Re: Goa by amanda_dcosta	17-May-06/6:57 AM
Don't use stanzas in this poem. Lose the line spaces and just stick the whole thing together so it brings out the story quality of the poem better. "atop" not "a top", plus you've got alot of capital letters in the wrong place. Otherwise it's one of the best things you've written. Ps. I have no idea what the hell Dovina is talking about. She always wants to downsize poems.
Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	17-May-06/6:38 AM
Technically not a Glosa but close enough: "99 Problems" If your havin girl problems i feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one [Verse One] I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes" I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those If you grew up with holes in your zapitos You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe I'm like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole If you don't like my lyrics you can press fast forward Got beef with radio if i don't play they show They don't play my hits well i don't give a shit SO Rap mags try and use my black ass So advertisers can give em more cash for ads...fuckers I don't know what you take me as or understand the intellegence that Jay-Z has I'm from rags to ritches nigga i ain't dumb I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one Hit me [Chorus] 99 Problems but a bitch ain't one If you havin girl problems i feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one Hit me -Jay Z
Re: a comment on The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	16-May-06/7:20 AM
No one can emulate him in my mind. No one else would spend months limited to using only a 3rd grade vocabulary to write such perfectly unforgetable poetry.
Re: a comment on The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	16-May-06/6:44 AM
or "she" in quotations.
Re: a comment on The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	16-May-06/6:41 AM
Admit it, you're just mad 'cause she only let her father get to first base.
Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	16-May-06/6:38 AM
There's a slight Dr. Suess quality in your rhythm that intentional or not is freekin' ingenious.
Re: a comment on Twilight on the Roadside by ALChemy	16-May-06/6:21 AM
Thanks. The hardest one's to write are the true stories.
Re: a comment on George and Samson by Edna Sweetlove	16-May-06/6:17 AM
Or how about "Yun't" as in "Hey Jim Bob, yun't to go fishin'? -"I don't know Bubba, yun't to go huntin' instead?-
Re: a comment on A Snap Shot by amanda_dcosta	16-May-06/6:07 AM
You write beautifully, which is why I push you so much.
Re: a comment on George and Samson by Edna Sweetlove	15-May-06/6:25 AM
I've only been in the south a year and a half and my grammar skills are dropping faster than George W. Bush's approval ratings. Looking forward to your next dirty ditty.
Re: a comment on A Prayer For God's Soldiers As They Kill For Him by Edna Sweetlove	14-May-06/3:00 PM
Do you always delete comments before you reply to them?
Re: A Sexy Crucifixion Poem by Edna Sweetlove	14-May-06/8:18 AM
What, no rimjob? Ps. There is no loincloth. He's not Tarzan.
Re: George and Samson by Edna Sweetlove	14-May-06/7:59 AM
It looses it's humor because you take the surprise out of the punchline. Try an approach that is more like this: Imagine my surprise, imagine my dread. A little voice whispers at the foot of my bed. "While ol' Edna's asleep-" the little voice said "-I'll give you some beak, hurry up, go ahead put it in my tail feather, oh lord it's so large" Only now did I realize that the voice was George. George my pet parrakeet and Samson his cagemate like to jailbirds in heat buttfucking in their cage Imagine my shock Imagine my rage two gaybirds are in my bedroom engaged in such an unholy screw. Well, I was irated. So I did what any good Christain would do, I watched them and masturbated.
Re: Drowning by Enkidu	13-May-06/1:48 PM
I too find love can be like drowning. On a side note, here's the most famous drowning poem I know: Not Waving But Drowning Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning. Poor chap, he always loved larking And now he's dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, They said. Oh, no no no, it was too cold always (Still the dead one lay moaning) I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning. -Stevie Smith
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	13-May-06/1:35 PM
Hi Amanda. Tell us a story about this little girl with Down's Syndrome making a difference. Show us what the weakest of the weak can do.
Re: A Snap Shot by amanda_dcosta	13-May-06/6:30 AM
Not your best. It's like a post card for the blind, like beauty that's just skin deep. It seems to give me nothing more than a pretty picture which I guess based on your title is what you were intending. I just know you are usually much deeper than that and those are the ones I prefer. But that's really just a matter of my own taste in poetry so take it with a grain of salt.
Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	13-May-06/6:17 AM
Sounds like you're trying to show the love affair that addicts have with drugs. My problem is that you can't really tell who's doing the talking and who they are talking to. I guess maybe some solid points of reference to anchor the poem would help the reader to follow you. Right now it seems to be almost entirely metaphor.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	9-May-06/7:15 AM
Thanks. Now if we only can get Zodiac frustrated enough with us to drop some wisdom on our ass we'll be back where we all belong. In a John Ford movie starring John Wayne called The Quiet Man, John Wayne and Victor McLaglen have one of the greates epic brawls ever shot on film. The fight moves all the way through town and is ingeniously paused at it's climax in front of a pub so that the two men can take a minute to down a mug of ale and then back to fighting they go while the whole town stands around them rooting them on. It's all presented in a very light hearted way and I think it's a perfect example of most of the debates I've had on this site. I'd debate with God'swife any day of the week but I'd also be more than happy to sit down and have a beer with her.
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	7-May-06/5:56 PM
Very beautiful. Better than mine, me thinks. Good news: Her parents seem to have patched things up, at least for the time being. I keep my fingers crossed for her. I surely must post something soon in the hopes of winning the much coveted plaque of disgust from our ever insistent Mrs. Jehovah.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	7-May-06/5:32 PM
The problem I have with the Gospel of Judas is that it borders on assisted suicide. He might as well have said to Judas "Take this spear and kill me and don't worry about damnation because I must die. Although he might have foreseen and even allowed his own death to happen, I find it hypocritical for Jesus to actually be an instigator of his own death.