Re: Observer by Dovina	10-Dec-05/5:01 AM
Back in good form D.
Re: a comment on Better Off Dead by wilco	9-Dec-05/5:04 PM
A XXX version would definitely get my attention.
Re: a comment on The Third Fall Of Jesus by amanda_dcosta	9-Dec-05/4:50 PM
That was a good one. I think I was thinking more about rhyming story poems. There are a few great ones but I find it's no small task to write one that's any good.
Re: Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/10:34 AM
The last verse seems to abandon the blacksmith metaphor completely. I think you may have missed a great opportunity to carry the symbolism through. What if you'd said something along the lines of "For all his wrath in forging a sword to slay his demons he now saw he had beaten the blade and handle flat and was now facing the cross he bore". I know that's kinda cheesy but it was off the top of my head. You see what I'm trying to say though right?
Re: a comment on The Third Fall Of Jesus by amanda_dcosta	9-Dec-05/8:31 AM
Story poems seem more often than not to falter in one direction or the other. Either the story takes a back seat or the poetry does.
Re: The Third Fall Of Jesus by amanda_dcosta	9-Dec-05/8:28 AM
I've got an idea for the believers out there. Instead of living your life according to the bible, assume that the bible is a metaphor for your life begining with Genesis (your birth) and ending with Revelations (your death). I promise if you study it like this the knowledge of God will start to become your knowledge.
Re: a comment on The Third Fall Of Jesus by amanda_dcosta	9-Dec-05/8:21 AM
http://www.geocities.com/oldscotts3/kotter.mp3
Re: Hope by sliver	9-Dec-05/7:55 AM
The first stanzas real nice but the others dwindle a bit.
Re: Better Off Dead by wilco	9-Dec-05/7:48 AM
Just be glad you don't live were they make paper. It smells like rotten sauerkraut. Lose "that we’ve thrown." Change "leper" (throughs off the poem). Change "paper airplanes"(a little too obscure) to something like "waste-paper". First 3 couplets are the best part of the poem.
Re: almost missed work by calliope	9-Dec-05/7:04 AM
Here's what I can make of this: Your head's on the tracks listening for the train, You see it in the distance. The crossing gate lifts. The train goes by. You're almost late for work. If I'm even close to right I must be psychic because this is one of the vaguest things I've read in a while. Please use capitals when needed. I don't particularly find "i" cute or sweet, just lazy. And believe me if anyone knows about lazy it's me. Some good use of rhyme placement though. "Trainy"? Would have been cuter if it was "Tranny trails".
Re: a comment on Count All the Stars by TLRufener	7-Dec-05/5:20 PM
One's alot quicker though.
Re: a comment on Jesus, you I see by amanda_dcosta	7-Dec-05/5:19 PM
Don't get me wrong there's some good lyrics out there but the expectations of a lyric are set lower in many peoples minds. If it sounds like a good song you'll tend to get a higher vote because people are used to lyrics not translating to print well.
Re: a comment on Count All the Stars by TLRufener	7-Dec-05/4:20 PM
Most likely but did you know that you don't have to go into advance search to do that. Just put it in quotation marks (""). It works on most any search engine.
Re: a comment on Snake in the Grass by thepinkbunnyofdoom	6-Dec-05/4:29 PM
Actually I meant it as a rhetorical question. See this is a famous question/urban legion that a supposed prominent psychologist devised to separate those potential psychopaths from the normal folk. The psychopathic answer: She killed her sister in the hope that he'd show up at yet another family funeral. So congrats, you're not a psycho. Maybe a little schizoid with the multiple answers and all but most of us here are a little wacky like that.
Re: a comment on Irish Holliday by Dovina	6-Dec-05/1:09 PM
"I would that he would fit in the laundry." Yeah that sure cleared it up for me.
Re: a comment on Irish Holliday by Dovina	6-Dec-05/1:02 PM
Only if I'm implying Fred is Jesus and Wilma's Mary.
Re: a comment on Shoebox Thoughts by BrandonW	6-Dec-05/12:59 PM
Yeah right, the E is silent.
Re: a comment on FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISH by amanda_dcosta	6-Dec-05/12:36 PM
God awaits you Zodiac. http://www.scouting.nl/static/illualto/jungle04.gif "Trusssst in meeee, jusssst in meee."
Re: a comment on Jesus, you I see by amanda_dcosta	6-Dec-05/12:11 PM
It's fairly true to the form of a hymn. By calling it a lyric or a ballad or anything that implies that it might be sung it will increase your chances of getting a good vote for a mediocre poem. http://poetry.allinfo-about.com/ http://www.poetrypower.com/poetry.htm Best links I could find so far. Knowing what is what can only make your poetry better which is pretty good so far I might add.
Re: a comment on Night Shift by ALChemy	6-Dec-05/8:36 AM
Yeah, It's suppose to bounce off "formaldehyde" in meaning and in rhyme. A case of a little sacrifice of substance for sound. Thanks Cad. Let me know if you come up with any suggestions.