| Re: Toy Story by whispern_smoke_wisp |
23-Aug-05/2:50 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
23-Aug-05/2:55 AM |
Thank god someone knows what a prose poem is.
Needs more emotion, less rambling.
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| Re: Letter from Palermo by Caducus |
23-Aug-05/12:19 PM |
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Powerful stuff but "rubbing herself till I cried." was kinda creepy.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
23-Aug-05/1:10 PM |
what are Sea flowers?
Maybe you mean Sea flewers.
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| Re: The Big Stupid Dink :) :) by Bethy |
23-Aug-05/1:53 PM |
Kind of an Erma Bombeck rant. Dink will get a laugh no matter where you use it.
Most men will turn Big Dink into a complement. It's just the way our egos work.
He didn't deserve a poem anyway.
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| Re: Wrapping a Gift by Dovina |
25-Aug-05/10:00 AM |
My dear it's merely a matter of T's and Dâs.
You can choose to be chaste
or choose to be chased
but rarely is a woman both of these
for most men are lead from their waist.
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| Re: Dear Lord, by INTRANSIT |
25-Aug-05/10:25 AM |
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The last line might need an extra syllable I'm not sure but try sounding it out with "mankind's tide".
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
27-Aug-05/7:02 AM |
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| Re: Apollinaire: Mirabeau Bridge by Sasha |
27-Aug-05/7:22 AM |
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I've never been the best at punctuation but shouldn't there be commas or something between "over/joy" and "come/bells". Was this a lyrical style poem? Sounds lyrical. It's probably the refrains that do it.
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| Re: Lessons(revised) by bellafuego |
27-Aug-05/7:30 AM |
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| Re: The Moment of Over by Bethy |
29-Aug-05/1:38 AM |
"on the new sheets on my bed."- try "under the sheets of my bed."
"my heart pounded, my chest heaved."- try "heart pounded, chest heaved."
"You can't stay, there's no reason."- "Don't stay, there's no reason."
"Hey, I said,
you forgot your milk."- try "Hey wait" I said,
"you forgot your milk."
That should fix up the rythm some.
No end rhyme in stanza 1?
Great little story. I hope you dumped the milk on his sorry ass, or at least threw it at him.
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| Re: The Trees in Spring (edit) by Sasha |
29-Aug-05/2:21 AM |
"Thus Adam who had bitten into God,"
By bitten do you mean "pained".
A suggestion: "Thus Adam who bit the hand of God,"
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| Re: Emily Gray by Enkidu |
29-Aug-05/2:41 AM |
Don't use "hath" in this poem.
The rest sounds good.
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| Re: Quevedo: Psalm by Sasha |
29-Aug-05/2:53 AM |
A Psalm and a Sonnet. Unique. Although I can't see how this supposed psalm praises god.
Nice trans. though.
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| Re: Jack by Dovina |
29-Aug-05/4:56 AM |
I think a period after "snowflake" and losing the comma after "warm" and "returned" might clarify things.
Is the last line missing a word or maybe "ed" at the end of "dwell".
It's a good little love poem.
Jack is either a rebound lover or Jack Frost?
Hell Jack could even be the dog. But if you were to tell me that Jack was the name of your vibrator I'd piss my pants laughing and proclaim you super-genius.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Aug-05/6:13 AM |
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Isn't it ironic, don't ya think?
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| Re: The Right Thing To Do by Bethy |
31-Aug-05/9:18 AM |
Really sweet of you guys.
Really.
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| Re: Dying breed by INTRANSIT |
31-Aug-05/9:32 AM |
I was going to say this is one of the best things I've read in a while but then I noticed you misspelled "bridges" and now it's all just rubbish.
So now I have no choice but to reduce your score to a measly -10-
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| Re: matrimonal enemy by hendrimike |
31-Aug-05/9:43 AM |
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I don't like the word "Mini-van" in any poem.
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| Re: Song of the cannonball ( a drinking song) by INTRANSIT |
31-Aug-05/9:53 AM |
Somewhere between Monty Python and Sponge Bob Square Pants.
In some of the lines the cannon ball seems to reveal his gay side don't ya think.
The "Aye!" made me laugh out loud and for that a -10-
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