on Toy Story by whispern_smoke_wisp
23 Aug 2005, 2:50 AM
Stay off the acid kid.
on some deleted poem
23 Aug 2005, 2:55 AM
Thank god someone knows what a prose poem is.
Needs more emotion, less rambling.
Needs more emotion, less rambling.
on Wrapping a Gift by Dovina
25 Aug 2005, 10:00 AM
My dear it's merely a matter of T's and Dâs.
You can choose to be chaste
or choose to be chased
but rarely is a woman both of these
for most men are lead from their waist.
You can choose to be chaste
or choose to be chased
but rarely is a woman both of these
for most men are lead from their waist.
on Letter from Palermo by Caducus
23 Aug 2005, 12:19 PM
Powerful stuff but "rubbing herself till I cried." was kinda creepy.
on some deleted poem
23 Aug 2005, 1:10 PM
what are Sea flowers?
Maybe you mean Sea flewers.
Maybe you mean Sea flewers.
on The Big Stupid Dink :) :) by Bethy
23 Aug 2005, 1:53 PM
Kind of an Erma Bombeck rant. Dink will get a laugh no matter where you use it.
Most men will turn Big Dink into a complement. It's just the way our egos work.
He didn't deserve a poem anyway.
Most men will turn Big Dink into a complement. It's just the way our egos work.
He didn't deserve a poem anyway.
on Lessons(revised) by bellafuego
27 Aug 2005, 7:30 AM
Truly an epiphany.
on Dear Lord, by INTRANSIT
25 Aug 2005, 10:25 AM
The last line might need an extra syllable I'm not sure but try sounding it out with "mankind's tide".
on some deleted poem
27 Aug 2005, 7:02 AM
Pretty
on Apollinaire: Mirabeau Bridge by Sasha
27 Aug 2005, 7:22 AM
I've never been the best at punctuation but shouldn't there be commas or something between "over/joy" and "come/bells". Was this a lyrical style poem? Sounds lyrical. It's probably the refrains that do it.
on The Moment of Over by Bethy
29 Aug 2005, 1:38 AM
"on the new sheets on my bed."- try "under the sheets of my bed."
"my heart pounded, my chest heaved."- try "heart pounded, chest heaved."
"You can't stay, there's no reason."- "Don't stay, there's no reason."
"Hey, I said,
you forgot your milk."- try "Hey wait" I said,
"you forgot your milk."
That should fix up the rythm some.
No end rhyme in stanza 1?
Great little story. I hope you dumped the milk on his sorry ass, or at least threw it at him.
"my heart pounded, my chest heaved."- try "heart pounded, chest heaved."
"You can't stay, there's no reason."- "Don't stay, there's no reason."
"Hey, I said,
you forgot your milk."- try "Hey wait" I said,
"you forgot your milk."
That should fix up the rythm some.
No end rhyme in stanza 1?
Great little story. I hope you dumped the milk on his sorry ass, or at least threw it at him.
on Emily Gray by Enkidu
29 Aug 2005, 2:41 AM
Don't use "hath" in this poem.
The rest sounds good.
The rest sounds good.
I think a period after "snowflake" and losing the comma after "warm" and "returned" might clarify things.
Is the last line missing a word or maybe "ed" at the end of "dwell".
It's a good little love poem.
Jack is either a rebound lover or Jack Frost?
Hell Jack could even be the dog. But if you were to tell me that Jack was the name of your vibrator I'd piss my pants laughing and proclaim you super-genius.
Is the last line missing a word or maybe "ed" at the end of "dwell".
It's a good little love poem.
Jack is either a rebound lover or Jack Frost?
Hell Jack could even be the dog. But if you were to tell me that Jack was the name of your vibrator I'd piss my pants laughing and proclaim you super-genius.
on The Trees in Spring (edit) by Sasha
29 Aug 2005, 2:21 AM
"Thus Adam who had bitten into God,"
By bitten do you mean "pained".
A suggestion: "Thus Adam who bit the hand of God,"
By bitten do you mean "pained".
A suggestion: "Thus Adam who bit the hand of God,"
on Quevedo: Psalm by Sasha
29 Aug 2005, 2:53 AM
A Psalm and a Sonnet. Unique. Although I can't see how this supposed psalm praises god.
Nice trans. though.
Nice trans. though.
on some deleted poem
30 Aug 2005, 6:13 AM
Isn't it ironic, don't ya think?
on The Right Thing To Do by Bethy
31 Aug 2005, 9:18 AM
Really sweet of you guys.
Really.
Really.
on Dying breed by INTRANSIT
31 Aug 2005, 9:32 AM
I was going to say this is one of the best things I've read in a while but then I noticed you misspelled "bridges" and now it's all just rubbish.
So now I have no choice but to reduce your score to a measly -10-
So now I have no choice but to reduce your score to a measly -10-
on matrimonal enemy by hendrimike
31 Aug 2005, 9:43 AM
I don't like the word "Mini-van" in any poem.
on Song of the cannonball ( a drinking song) by INTRANSIT
31 Aug 2005, 9:53 AM
Somewhere between Monty Python and Sponge Bob Square Pants.
In some of the lines the cannon ball seems to reveal his gay side don't ya think.
The "Aye!" made me laugh out loud and for that a -10-
In some of the lines the cannon ball seems to reveal his gay side don't ya think.
The "Aye!" made me laugh out loud and for that a -10-