on Loving An Angel by Brego
19 Oct 2005, 10:20 PM
I was going to rant about the angel, except you kept it as a leitmotiv. That's something.
on a skinny man on the dock by ay deee
19 Oct 2005, 10:26 PM
'Shaolin ninja on pole'... You've gone and impaled yourself, haven't you?
on River Valley Rose by TLRufener
19 Oct 2005, 10:43 PM
Hmm. I actually rather like this. The bit about hte grandfather seems almost irrelevant, it would be fine without (arguably). Not all of the punctuation is necessary.
on Forgiveness by flightoffancy
19 Oct 2005, 10:45 PM
The first line is good. The rest... bwuh.
on Air Guitar by Miggy
19 Oct 2005, 10:49 PM
Tee hee.
on some deleted poem
19 Oct 2005, 10:52 PM
I must dsagree with Dovina. The 'I' in Stanza 3 makes perfect sense. SAay it aloud. It might benefit from a hyphen, though. Like this:
And I -- all I smell is foil and heather.
And I -- all I smell is foil and heather.
on some deleted poem
19 Oct 2005, 10:55 PM
'siraling'... Could you perhaps mean 'spiralling'? Qorked on a couple of times, it could be quite decent. Bear in mind that in hearing the word 'spiralling', every English Major worth his or her salt will think of Yeats.
on A Dark Account of History by D. $ Fontera
19 Oct 2005, 10:58 PM
ShamAn. Please. Hmm. Aside from that, 'tis all right.
on Farm animals by INTRANSIT
19 Oct 2005, 11:03 PM
There's something about 'the sun the other as/rooster crowing' that doesn't quite work. I couldn't pinpoint the proble, but it's there. A comma after 'sun' would simplify it, but perhaps too much.
on The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>
19 Oct 2005, 11:12 PM
'Despite November in my heart/and December at my breast'-- nice. I admit I was going to simply congratulate ou on using November as opposed to another month, but the addition of December actually works.
on Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac
19 Oct 2005, 11:15 PM
Hmm. Not my style, but that doesn't mean I can't notice its quality -- a fact a lot of people forget.
on some deleted poem
22 Oct 2005, 7:09 PM
I agree with Tilde (what a surprise) about the comma after pretty. However, the first stanza has a problem: the rhyme of the last two lines somehow sounds like there should be other rhymes. I didn't like that here, for some reason.
Also, 'plume': doesn't seem to quite work. 'Plumes' perhaps, or even 'plumage', but plume in the singular I don't quite like. It must be the sound of it, because I agree that sense-wise, it'S perfect.
Also, 'plume': doesn't seem to quite work. 'Plumes' perhaps, or even 'plumage', but plume in the singular I don't quite like. It must be the sound of it, because I agree that sense-wise, it'S perfect.
on some deleted poem
22 Oct 2005, 7:10 PM
Fine. Don't listen to me.
on Leg by jessicazee
22 Oct 2005, 7:14 PM
Not that I necessarily disagree with the poem (especially since I've never seen your legs), but whether or not a hairy female leg is nice or not depends on the shape of the leg. As a rule, hairy ones will be just as nice when shaved, though the reverse is not necessarily true.
on The Marble Me by PsydewaysTears
22 Oct 2005, 7:16 PM
The first two lines aren't bad. The rest...
on How often? by little_big_nose
22 Oct 2005, 7:20 PM
'And how often do we separate our masters from the leash' -- what?
on Slim and Pretty, Or Not by Dovina
22 Oct 2005, 7:22 PM
But fuller, un-sucked-in stomachs make better drums!
on some deleted poem
14 Nov 2005, 10:22 PM
I rarely write about real things, and this is proof of it, though it started as a fair description of a trip I was recently on. I freely admit that while being driven northwards, I was reading Pound's Cantos. (And believe it or not, Zodiac, I much preferred the lyrical ones to the others.)