| Re: The Last Suburb by unknown |
23-Sep-05/4:06 PM |
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Too prosy. Maybe it's that there's not great feeling of rhythm. Something could be done with it, though.
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| Re: untitled Rubiyat 1 by starkfister |
23-Sep-05/4:11 PM |
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Of course, in English at least, the form works better if the three rhyming lines are of the same length...
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| Re: nicholson by ay deee |
23-Sep-05/4:13 PM |
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| Re: My Name Is by hottemper26 |
23-Sep-05/4:17 PM |
I'd break it up into line/indented line. Like this:
Today my name is dreamer,
Lost and clueless
It would probably make it a bit better. Not much, but a bit.
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| Re: Horus8 & The Werewolves Live... by horus8 |
23-Sep-05/4:18 PM |
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Oh, come on, horus, you can do better than this...
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Sep-05/8:07 PM |
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A bit too preachy. Change 'The rich getting richer', it'S been heard far too often. For some reason 'bones showing through fragile flesh' sounds like something I'd expect in a love poem, but maybe I'm just odd. The big question line 'Would our world's Gods...' is definitely out of rhjythm, and not in a good way. Also, I'd use a lower-case 'g' on 'gods' -- when encompassing all of them, it's not a proper noun.
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| Re: Are you my love? by Prince of Void |
25-Sep-05/8:10 PM |
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It seems to be missing the occasional 'that' and 'the'.
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| Re: The Birds by flightoffancy |
25-Sep-05/8:42 PM |
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Please -- you have to get at least one reference to Hitchcock in.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Sep-05/8:45 PM |
Some people, like wine, get better as they age.
Not this, though. Your writing's as terrible as when you first got here. My word, there's not even a single unobvious or inventive rhyme.
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| Re: Awakening by Quarton |
25-Sep-05/8:49 PM |
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Nice. Very nice, even. It's 'whirling' rather than 'wirling', by the way -- though I'd tend to change that line. 'Whirling dervishes' have been heard of too often.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Sep-05/8:53 PM |
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That third stanza... oh dear. The first two lines are good, the third falters, and the fourth ruins it utterly by falling into a banality so complete words fail to describe it. Oh well.
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| Re: The Death of an Octopus by tianyi |
25-Sep-05/8:54 PM |
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The Villanelle's much better.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Sep-05/8:56 PM |
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On the one hand, it's a pantoum, and anyone who manages to write one deserves praise for managing to do so. On the other hand, except for formally, it's not very good.
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| Re: Servant Girl or Princess? by TLRufener |
26-Sep-05/7:11 PM |
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Was he in shining armour at the ball? Must be a pretty tough guy to dance the Volta with sixty kilos of metal on him...
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| Re: Electric Light by cyan9 |
26-Sep-05/7:14 PM |
I'm presuming 'chorde' is 'cord'? And 'that whispers of me to enter' -- should that me 'whispers to me' or was the gate whispering about it, in which case 'to enter' makes no sense.
Very well written, though.
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| Re: False Reality by jlynnwall |
2-Oct-05/10:50 AM |
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Unfinished indeed. Ask me again when it's done. And have a five, as it doesn't matter either way, which is the proper thing to do to drafts.
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| Re: Downside by Miggy |
16-Oct-05/10:29 PM |
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'You had your runs with...' I'll take o'er -=Dark_Angel=-'s comment. Change to 'You had the runs because of' and it might be all right.
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| Re: Sleep It All Away by somemorepoetry |
16-Oct-05/10:31 PM |
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Whien whine whine sentimentality.
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| Re: Was Everyone Put On This Earth For A Reason by cabot |
16-Oct-05/10:32 PM |
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We were put on this earth to fertilise it with our bodies once we are dead.
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| Re: monday v2 by ay deee |
16-Oct-05/10:42 PM |
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