| Re: the birds are still here by ay deee |
7-Sep-05/8:10 PM |
|
|
 |
| Re: Baudelaire: The Albatross by Sasha |
7-Sep-05/8:13 PM |
|
For a translation insisting to rhyme, this is very good. One small wince is that in your version it sounds like it's only the crew of one ship that would do this, while in the original it's any old bunch of sailors.
|
|
|
|
| Re: knowledge building on knowledge by nentwined |
12-Sep-05/7:09 PM |
|
Nice. I'm not sure about the title being one of the three lines, but hey...
|
|
|
|
| Re: on the edge of creation by nentwined |
12-Sep-05/7:11 PM |
|
I really rather like this. Though the "(how did they get to my mountain)" I'm not sure about. Maybe break it into another line or something -- the rhythm seems off because that one line's so long.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Tall Windows by tianyi |
12-Sep-05/7:13 PM |
|
Why the comma after "where"? I'm presuming that the last line is the direct continuation of the first, in which case it might be a thought to add a stanza break between the first and second lines.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Lament by Caducus |
12-Sep-05/7:16 PM |
|
As has come to be expected from you, very good. Line six, 'there' not 'their'. 'Soon Spring will die in October': great line, but, umm... what happened to summer?
|
|
|
|
| Re: Ãire by TLRufener |
14-Sep-05/12:08 PM |
|
One point for the courage of writing a patriotic poem. Like almost every single other patriotic poem in the history of literature in all languages, it's crap.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Please Stay by pletcgm |
20-Sep-05/8:53 PM |
|
Okay. You're not rhyming. That's good. 'Bleeding a river of love' -- if it's flowing out and you're not going to love again, sure. 'Will you make my heart flutter' -- medically speaking, that's not a very good request.
|
|
|
|
| Re: If I Were a Bird by TLRufener |
20-Sep-05/8:54 PM |
If you were a bird, you'd have a brain the size of a peanut! Oh, wait, how would that chanmge you?
Yawn yawn yawn. If you make it rhyme, you can send it to Hallmark.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Nowhere Land by Caducus |
20-Sep-05/8:59 PM |
Hmm. That's quite fine. You still need to learn about apostrophes, but I gave up on that years ago.
Seriously, howe'er... The second stanza is a bit confused. The first two lines are fine. Then the third: what's was laid on the grave? The buds. Do the buds make the graves fragrant, or were they already? Was the love born on/in the graves? Not that I mind, I've nothing against necrophilia myself... 'to die in her today' ... Does that mean 'Love was born/to die in love's today' or 'Love was born/to die in [graves, autumn] on this day'? Or what?
I really like the penultimate line, but the last one seems to let it down a little.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
20-Sep-05/9:00 PM |
|
Personally, I don't like it, but I couldn't tell you why. there's nothing wrong with it; just not my style. Have a five so I don't harm its score either way.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Sep-05/8:13 AM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Sep-05/8:18 AM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
23-Sep-05/3:55 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: untitled rhyme royal 2 by starkfister |
23-Sep-05/3:58 PM |
Ow. That's terrible. If you're going to use old-fashioned language, do it well.
Aside from that, an excellent first-person narrative of a dwarf performing cunnilingus on a grown woman. 8070F000
|
|
|
|
| Re: Rescue My Heart by pletcgm |
23-Sep-05/3:58 PM |
|
'Amassed with many feelings'?
|
|
|
|
| Re: Rescue My Heart by pletcgm |
23-Sep-05/3:59 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: Climate Control by MacFrantic |
23-Sep-05/4:01 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: The Box by Eydn |
23-Sep-05/4:02 PM |
|
Needs a rewrite. Here's a hint: if you're gasping for air, and in the next moment screaming, you're not serene.
|
|
|
|
| Re: From Dust To Flesh To Texas by Caducus |
23-Sep-05/4:04 PM |
|
Nice, nice. Why the question mark at 'cross he carved'? The second last stanza doesn't seem to fit that well, though.
|
|
|
|
