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Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) (Lyric) by zodiac
Haifa, 2005 - I'm having a hard time holding things straight. I keep loitering in bus stations, watching women flip backwards through magazines. Seems, late- ly, maybe I ought to move back home, learn some new vocabulary, Kylie, this tongue-dance, good metaphor. The lights click on. In the uplands it's flooding. And I'd like to tell you, oh, I wish sometimes you'd find me compelling, I think you would if I were ever around. I want to tell you I fear falling into religion just for a scaffold of proper names, greetings, expansive gestures. I'd be two toothless men arguing fares with knives for a caucus of bored travellers. I'd as-one with these waiting women pause, glance knowingly at this departure lounge ceiling loudspeaker, and hear.

Up the ladder: Mi Casa es Su Casa
Down the ladder: of Arabia

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Arithmetic Mean: 9.285714
Weighted score: 6.152606
Overall Rank: 1042
Posted: October 19, 2005 5:48 AM PDT; Last modified: October 24, 2005 10:40 AM PDT
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Comments:
[10] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 19-Oct-05/6:41 AM | Reply
I love this:

I want to tell you I fear
falling into religion

and

the scaffold
of proper nouns, greetings, and expansive gestures -

but the sentence seems convoluted to me, and i am not sure of your meaning. not that i need to be sure, it's jsut that i want a clearer reason for these bold statement to link in with that lasting, last image.
[8] Dovina @ 209.247.222.97 | 19-Oct-05/7:47 AM | Reply
Why the funky "late-" and "ly" on different lines? Maybe to stress your need for new vocabulary.

Tongue-dance would be a good metaphor, but since you didn't use it, that gives me the right to steal it.

Religion will give you a a scaffold of proper nouns, greetings, and expansive gestures, but then the sentence fumbles, as if the word-dance becomes a twisted twist.
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > Dovina | 19-Oct-05/9:21 AM | Reply
At that point it rhymed. Maybe.

You're right, I'm only talking about actual tongues dancing around inside of mouths. Feel free to use it, but there's the possibility I'm using it from someone else, I'm not sure. If I am, it's Don Delillo in The Names.

The last part is supposed to be another reason for falling into religion. It's not worded right and I don't know yet how to fix it. Suggestions?
[10] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 > zodiac | 20-Oct-05/1:50 PM | Reply
suggestion:


I want to tell you I fear
falling into religion--just for a scaffold
of proper nouns, greetings, expansive gestures;
to be as-one with these waiting women--pause,
glance knowingly at a departure lounge
ceiling loudspeaker, and hear.

does that mean what you're looking for?
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > zodiac | 21-Oct-05/9:54 AM | Reply
The last sentence is understandable after your edit. You fear religion because you fear conformity's crutch. You want it, but want also want the rogue; you're wild with a homebody bent. I'm surprised you're still married.
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > Dovina | 21-Oct-05/9:55 AM | Reply
Now if you'd just get rid of that irritating "late . . .ly" I'd give you a 9.
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > Dovina | 21-Oct-05/10:17 AM | Reply
I'll keep it if only to teach you to stop stopping at line-ends.
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > zodiac | 24-Oct-05/12:48 PM | Reply
I shall never become "fixed" or taught, save for taut tied tubes perhaps to save the planet.
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > Dovina | 25-Oct-05/2:23 AM | Reply
You never cease to amaze me. One, what about the goal of evolution? Don't tell me I convinced you. Two, for my part, I can't wait to get back home and start having babies, if only to balance out the morons so shamelessly overreproducing their dumb moron genes. I never thought I'd ever say that.
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > zodiac | 25-Oct-05/7:13 AM | Reply
Please retract that! The planet cannot handle such evolutionary goals.
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > Dovina | 25-Oct-05/12:37 PM | Reply
Premature retraction didn't work for the Catholics, what makes you think it'll help here?
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > zodiac | 25-Oct-05/4:21 PM | Reply
Oh, but it did - stains and empty nests prove it.
[n/a] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 > zodiac | 3-Jan-06/2:28 PM | Reply
hmmm. i feel the same way, but i cannot justify having more children than to replace my spouse and i. striking a balance between Dovina's Zero Population Growth, the primal reproductive urge, and making sure that the human race doesnt become overrun by those who "hain't able t' reed, no' rite, no' do rithmetick."
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > Dovina | 21-Oct-05/10:17 AM | Reply
Wild with a homebody bent is surprisingly true. How'd you do that?

I don't fear religion, I fear becoming religious only for a language/anchor. That's a big concern for me now; my first six months here I'd say 30-40% of my vocabulary was somehow religious. The hazards of living in a Muslim country, yes, but I thought it was applicable in America, too.

I'm constantly surprised - and grateful - I'm still married. The way it works is she's more of an adventurer/homebody than me. One-and-a-half months back in America and she's already moved out to Alaska.
[8] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > zodiac | 24-Oct-05/12:45 PM | Reply
Well that's perfectly clear. A pair of rogue homebodies snuggled up in Muslim Alaska. Or so my magic wand would have it. Happy Ramadan.
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > Dovina | 25-Oct-05/2:25 AM | Reply
I wish. I'm still in the hole at the bottom of the hole.
[8] Tintagiles @ 142.166.239.85 | 19-Oct-05/11:15 PM | Reply
Hmm. Not my style, but that doesn't mean I can't notice its quality -- a fact a lot of people forget.
[10] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 24-Oct-05/11:23 AM | Reply
you nailed it. bravo.
[9] wilco @ 24.92.74.122 | 24-Oct-05/6:57 PM | Reply
The falling into religion part is great and I rather like the -ly
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 25-Oct-05/5:45 AM | Reply
Ironic that this is the one people seem to get.
Also ironic that you recently scolded me for having strung together phrases.
Love the toothless men with knives line.

A little Freudian Psycho-babble for ya. Religion is in a warm vagina. You're not gonna find it in the chosen land. Atheism is in a masturbater's fist. Your religion's in alaska but your pride is in your hand.

ALChemy psycho-babble: Get your ass to Alaska pronto lest thou fall amongst ye dumb morons.

-10-
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > ALChemy | 25-Oct-05/12:38 PM | Reply
I more and more agree with you.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 25-Oct-05/5:54 AM | Reply
PS: Great critique and suggestions on my latest poem.
I was on vacation, as you were from my constant debating.
[n/a] FreeFormFixation @ 70.225.166.245 | 31-Oct-05/4:20 AM | Reply
backwards through magazines? if i were in japan, i wouldnt want to go back home either!
[n/a] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > FreeFormFixation | 1-Nov-05/3:15 AM | Reply
Unfortunately, I live in the Middle East. Even if there were girls in short plaid skirts and Hello! Kitty umbrellas here, I'd get my hands cut off for looking at them
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