on Beggar by MacFrantic
4 Aug 2007, 10:03 AM
Please stop writing about this woman on a bicycle, crossing America coast to coast, now three-fourths of the way from Virginia to California. I can relate to much of the sentiment in this. What are you riding?
replying on Sunset Beach by amanda_dcosta
4 Aug 2007, 9:43 AM
Do you mean "shades of white"?
on The End of The Deathly Hallows by John Rambo
22 Jul 2007, 7:34 PM
Potter is overblown! A good way to get kids to read though.
on Dying Candle by cheese.doodles
22 Jul 2007, 7:33 PM
A good metaphor for something, but what? I can think of several twists. As it stands, you only describe the dying candle.
But indeed you are a freak if you come unglued at a lovely interaction of bird and baby. If you were thinking something else and writing this, I cannot read you unwritten thoughts. I am not anti-Darwinist unless you mean the religion of Darwinism, not the theory.
replying on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina
21 Jul 2007, 5:05 PM
Well that explains it.
replying on Summer Festival by Christof
17 Jul 2007, 3:34 PM
That's the most constructive thing you have ever said. Not the funniest though.
on The Time-Winder's Lullaby by PsydewaysTears
17 Jul 2007, 3:29 PM
How can a sin know anything? Otherwise nice.
replying on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina
17 Jul 2007, 3:20 PM
Why would anyone add "s" to "men" and "women," words that are already plural? Bowls!
replying on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina
15 Jul 2007, 5:15 PM
Yes, and thank you for asking. You may also suggest that both men and women should be required to grow facial hair.
on Coffee House Adjacent by Enkidu
13 Jul 2007, 8:49 AM
I think it would be stronger with fewer words. "then to" "to each other" "there is" - What do these add?
replying on Cotopaxi Store, Colorado by Dovina
13 Jul 2007, 8:35 AM
Sheâs not like this girl.
replying on Cotopaxi Store, Colorado by Dovina
13 Jul 2007, 8:34 AM
How about âfor coffee, donut, sweet and blackâ for Line 7, and let the double meanings ride? Thanks.
on On and On and On by MacFrantic
11 Jul 2007, 10:08 AM
Yes, it's an undisciplined rant. But I like:
So I'm a disaster
A miserable hackneyed bore
And my mind's a whore
Describes a "poet" writing to please masses.
So I'm a disaster
A miserable hackneyed bore
And my mind's a whore
Describes a "poet" writing to please masses.
on Blanket Weed by Christof
11 Jul 2007, 9:57 AM
I think you can lose "First."
Comma after water.
The green fleece image for a fish stuffed and mounted on the wall works well, but the complex way you develop it will leave some readers wondering what you mean.
Comma after water.
The green fleece image for a fish stuffed and mounted on the wall works well, but the complex way you develop it will leave some readers wondering what you mean.
on bacardi, tall glass, lots of ice, diet coke by Skamper
11 Jul 2007, 9:50 AM
"mighty" is just there to get a lucky 7, it seems. In what way is water frosty?
replying on Dark void by Prince of Void
8 Jul 2007, 10:06 AM
Must you gush forth with passionate sentiment like "He can feel his heart again"? Don't you know that all is vanity and hopeless, and all we can do is muddle through until we die?
on In the maybe by INTRANSIT
7 Jul 2007, 7:58 PM
"sandpaper days" comes from some song I don't know. If not, it should. 1200 grit is extremely fine, I think, like polishing rouge, which is what the top of some heads look like. How it makes Friday fall short I can't see. Would be nice to carry the metaphor further. comma after hammer. Last 2 verses good.
on The Child in The Painting by PsydewaysTears
7 Jul 2007, 7:45 PM
"There is" seldom works, especially at the start, adds nothing that I can see. "beyond the veil" - what does that mean? I can see this child though, so in spite of too many words, I get it.