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Blanket Weed

Member since 2002 · Posted 11 Jul 2007 · 5 comments

First, like my daughter's hair, waving with Ophelia's madness As my hand twists, a fish in the cold bite of water Fearing the net and the shrouded enigma Of the wild banshee weed that chokes the pond; Then, like a green fleece, oozing and dripping And slip-slapping as I haul it from water to sun, Ready to be spun once the bright sighted droplets, The memories of home, have been dried and undone; Then hung on the wall like a dead shrivelled newt, Ready for the compost, a coiled desire For the water, for the silver scrape of the fish Pushing through, for the whispered thoughts of the current.

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5 comments

[8] Dovina 11-Jul-07/9:57 AM Reply

I think you can lose "First."
Comma after water.

The green fleece image for a fish stuffed and mounted on the wall works well, but the complex way you develop it will leave some readers wondering what you mean.

[n/a] Christof › Dovina 11-Jul-07/11:50 AM Reply

It obviously is confusing, as the green fleece is the weed - the hand is the fish. You may be right about 'First'. No comma after water, though - the line break is enough pause. That would be too much and would add nothing to the sense. No punctuation lessons are necessary, thanks.

OK. So is it not clear? I thought that the hair image was plainly referring to the weed - a fish doesn't move like that, and usually isn't green, or fleece-like. Is the hand not clearly enough the fish? I also thought the title made it clear what the subject is. If it isn't plain, the whole thing is, so to speak, blown out of the water. Oh damn it.

[9] Ranger 11-Jul-07/2:53 PM Reply

You've had the Robert Frost touch in your last few posts; this is the only one in my opinion which creates more than a sense of triviality. Very enjoyable, dear chap.

[n/a] Christof › Ranger 13-Jul-07/2:40 AM Reply

Glad you enjoyed and also, in view of Dovina's comments, understood it. I thought this was one of my best until her comments came back which then made me fear it was horribly obscure, so your comment has encouraged me. I think you're right about it, and about my last things, which have all been loosening up exercises really. Though if they're Frostian loosening up exercises, I can't be too upset.

[9] Ranger › Christof 18-Jul-07/4:32 PM Reply

I think Dovina over-complicated her reading. Sometimes a poeme works better with a light read than a really in-depth analysis of the logic. The critic tends to end up confusing his/herself.

Frost's sonnet "A Soldier" should be required reading by law.