| Re: grampa told us stories by elderking |
5-Jul-05/8:12 AM |
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The word "feigning" sets a stage for sattire or belittlement. But I don't think that's what you intend.
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| Re: Promise Me by Taco |
5-Jul-05/8:15 AM |
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You're right, it's not smart to love in this way. Unless this is poking fun at people who do, and I don't see hints of that, it is shallow.
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| Re: The taste of something new. by darby pyn |
5-Jul-05/8:18 AM |
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"as transparent as vanity" is a good line because it can mean at least two things. I wish you had gone the other way with it.
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| Re: pop by Dental Panic |
5-Jul-05/8:20 AM |
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I really don't care what is pop and what is not, but I like the way you've made an issue of it.
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| Re: Mother Earth by TLRufener |
5-Jul-05/8:23 AM |
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I don't see any point to this beyond a description.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-Jul-05/8:25 AM |
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Too much repetition, not enough said.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-Jul-05/8:32 AM |
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Death always wins, and so may be thought of as joyful in a sadistic way. But to give "it" personality or being seems unrealistic and without impact.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-Jul-05/8:35 AM |
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Beyond the rhymes, I see little here.
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| Re: The And women by INTRANSIT |
5-Jul-05/1:34 PM |
I'm not getting what the last 4 lines have to do with it.
We always bless the annuals that send the gardeners transplanting.
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| Re: The Bastardization of Hypocrisy by Bluemonkey |
5-Jul-05/1:36 PM |
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Wasn't hypocracy always a bastard kind of thing?
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| Re: I Need Not be Told by Chelsio |
5-Jul-05/2:08 PM |
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Such a common theme in young writers, so common that to do it well in a poem may me impossible. At the least it would take a fresh approach, which this is not.
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| Re: Damned by darby pyn |
7-Jul-05/2:33 PM |
paralax stutters
a beautiful disguise
interaction is a pendulum
These are the good lines in my opinion.
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| Re: Precious Smile by TLRufener |
7-Jul-05/2:36 PM |
Should end with "Lock up everything that is real" A lot of repeated ideas, but the theme is good.
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| Re: London Calling by Bluemonkey |
7-Jul-05/2:40 PM |
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Good except for "twisted game of evolution."
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| Re: Autumn by keatsImnot |
7-Jul-05/2:42 PM |
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I'd like to see more than just a description of autumn.
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| Re: Pandemicâs Here Again by Lenore |
8-Jul-05/10:17 AM |
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If you refer to the London attacks, there's no need to tell the world; they know. If you mean that the world reacts too slowly, then I say we react fast enough, just with impotence.
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| Re: sprung by <~> |
8-Jul-05/10:22 AM |
"the sorrow of an uncaged regret" good line.
But to spring aloft on the wings of others with uncaged regrets seems counter to your theme, though quite poetic.
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| Re: Lover by Dental Panic |
8-Jul-05/10:26 AM |
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Why continue in verse 3 with the bus? It seems to cloud a good start. And the break between verses 1 and 2 seems wrong.
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| Re: A World At War by Damien |
8-Jul-05/10:30 AM |
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Too many words, and not carefully chosen. "safely wallowing in safety" for example.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
8-Jul-05/10:37 AM |
At least I know that all these recent poems about the London attacks are recent poems. I think it's best to post our most recent stuff, rather than dragging up old poems as some do. It keeps the comments current and alive.
This good up through "courageous fellows." Then "covet thy Moslem" doesn't make much sense, nor does "is this the Kuran?" And the last verse seems like an angry rant without much real content.
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