| Re: real fright of going home by veggiegurl |
26-Dec-05/1:42 PM |
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The moon may well enjoy it. I think the use of 2, w/, 4, youv'e, and all the smily faces detract. As a tongue-in-cheek this is good, so I'm assuming good.
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| Re: why? by nentwined |
26-Dec-05/9:21 PM |
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-- = one never-ending moment of ecstasy.
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| Re: Hoi Polloi by INTRANSIT |
26-Dec-05/9:29 PM |
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I stood in line once thinking about something I'd huffed about, and loved it, but I wouldn't do it in line. Time bore down on nine months and nothing happened.
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| Re: Ennui by Sisterwolf |
26-Dec-05/9:41 PM |
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The wording is complecated in the first few lines, and the lack of periods makes it difficult to follow. On second reading, it went smoother. It's the opposite of cliche, and quite interesting.
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| Re: Faceless agonies by Prince of Void |
27-Dec-05/12:01 PM |
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May I suggest that you have inadvertently written a happy, optimistic poem? A pathless heart is the easiest kind to love, the most adaptable, the most able to join another heart.
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| Re: Ennui by Sisterwolf |
28-Dec-05/8:10 AM |
I wish that you would not delete the comments when you make a revision. We can see which ones came after the revision by looking at the time stamps. You will find, if you stay here long, that poeple who delete comments get few.
Thank you for the periods and the clarifications. It's better now.
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| Re: As we lay by rahson_s |
28-Dec-05/2:13 PM |
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It's like you wrote this quickly and sloppily - inconsistent capitals, unclear references, missing periods.
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| Re: Crowded by INTRANSIT |
29-Dec-05/6:39 PM |
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Maybe a twentieth gage would show semicolon twitches. I hear one sounding wrong, even without turning the panel down.
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| Re: Memoirs of a miners son by Caducus |
29-Dec-05/8:13 PM |
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Do you mean, '"Dress me well for Karen," he said.'?
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| Re: when i met sky alone by Prince of Void |
30-Dec-05/1:10 PM |
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| Re: ghost host by elderking |
30-Dec-05/1:15 PM |
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Punctuation: drop the semicolon, period after "ever do." Otherwise good.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Dec-05/1:22 PM |
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A fairly coherant rant. Most rants go off half cocked.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Dec-05/2:16 PM |
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An indecent descent should start higher than it ends. No, if it's indecent, the opposite? A dismal workplace you have. Condolences!
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| Re: Desperate Season by Sisterwolf |
30-Dec-05/5:02 PM |
I felt good about this, felt their dismay, until the last verse. Then summer's suddenness seemed as if it should remain in their minds as a hope, not a reality quite yet.
I also think "Dark, withdrawn and without joy" is too strong for an ordinary winter. And "terror" also seems demeaning of people who know the seasons.
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| Re: Nightfall by Niphredil |
1-Jan-06/7:33 AM |
"Darkling" means "in the dark." So how can the day grow dimmer when it's already dark? Also, if the cedar tree is snowy, and it's branches sway in the breeze, why is there no mention of snow falling in the face of someone lying under it?
It flows well, but I can't get past illogic.
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| Re: Unspoken by Heather2119 |
1-Jan-06/7:34 AM |
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Good material for a poem here. You just need to write a poem about it, and get the grammar straight.
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| Re: Half of All My Lies are True by Enkidu |
1-Jan-06/7:40 AM |
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I know a passionate man who speaks in apparent lies and nonsense to let me know his feelings, because feelings mean more to him than making sense. If this is something like what you want to say, I think you could refine it into something more compelling.
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| Re: loved once by celticskatermatt1 |
1-Jan-06/7:42 AM |
"again"
leave out "once"
Very sketchy, but good.
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| Re: A Shortcut to Summer by Enkidu |
1-Jan-06/9:03 AM |
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| Re: We'll be right back after these messages by INTRANSIT |
2-Jan-06/12:12 PM |
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Depressing. Take a long walk.
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