Re: Inquietude by klosterfobik	15-Aug-04/3:49 PM
The last 4 lines are especially nice.
Re: My Swarthy Bane by MacFrantic	15-Aug-04/3:55 PM
The last 2 verses could stand better alone. Try leaving out "it is"
Re: Falling Alone by FadedHappiness	15-Aug-04/5:47 PM
To the one you hung up on, This is not bad at all. Surprised? Not being noticed by someone who should care is a very sad feeling. Sometimes the only one who takes notice is one who should not rightly care. Therein lies the gold in an otherwise sandy desert that it's best to get used to. "existed" "No one"
regarding some deleted poem...	16-Aug-04/10:41 AM
An interesting comparison, poetically good, and perhaps statistically accurate. 600 light bulbs per person in LA? Do I commit murder with every downward flip of a switch?
Re: The Finger of my Mind by sliver	17-Aug-04/11:16 AM
Verse 2 is great. The last verse seems trite in comparison.
Re: Surfer by INTRANSIT	17-Aug-04/12:03 PM
I see you pulled into a truc-um-up-stop for a little web-time with the home folks. Well, glad you did, we’re still here, but little’s goin’ on. Mostly, everyone’s ignoring the poems and arguin’ about racism and sex on somebody’s posting. Hit chat if you want. I’ll say your poem is good, and if your’re nice, give a 9 or sompn’. Welcome back.
Re: The 80's by wilco	17-Aug-04/6:09 PM
"We’ve become the people we swore we'd never be." How many of the young smartoffs on this site will ever say that. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll ever say it. “But we’re here despite ourselves” and your song says it well. The last time I saw you on chat, some jerk calling himself “wiIco” was trying his clumsy hand at impersonation (Notice the capital “I”) Kinda takes the fun out of it ya let it. Oh well, if I had something worthwhile to do, I wouldn’t be on chat. You can always use email.
Re: Your Beautiful Silence by Enchantres	17-Aug-04/6:15 PM
I counted four spelling and grammar mistakes in the first verse. Yes, I'm a prude. But I also look at content and see a lot here, especially in the last two lines.
Re: The Downfall of a Pagan Man by somemorepoetry	17-Aug-04/6:49 PM
I really like the analogies to a river, "like rivers flow downstream and fatten out at the mouth," for example. A long poem, flows well, interseting, but many will not take the time.
Re: If time can not persuade, then one must goad. by SupremeDreamer	17-Aug-04/7:13 PM
You’ve got some complicated wording here. Maybe it’s a first draft, a verbose spilling. Some stuff could be cut/simplified to a better result, unless you have some underhanded urge to confuse. Sometimes I like to get a draft done, post it, keep my mind off it for a day then go back to it and revise. I’m more critical and less attached that way. Ever feel like you haven't quite hit the mark you were shootin for? And the more you mess with a poem the more you see it cripple-like and dwarfed? Sometimes my poems get better in form as I tweak them, but worse in spirit, the law of sacrifice, or the law of political trading. Your poem has good lines and good images, but I have trouble following it.
Re: My Pain For You by Enchantres	18-Aug-04/4:35 PM
Not a single English error that I can see. Wish I could do as well in another language. A good message for poetry and probably comes through as such in your native tongue. English is a clumbsy thing.
Re: R.I.P (Epitaphs) by MacFrantic	20-Aug-04/10:35 AM
The first verse is great, says it all.
regarding some deleted poem...	20-Aug-04/12:26 PM
The magic in love, may it last and last!
Re: Tonight At The Dead Man's Ball by dougsoderstrom	20-Aug-04/1:34 PM
Not bad, like a lyric, could be sung at the opening of the Republican convention.
Re: Dads are suppose to stay by Brandy_n_Cali	21-Aug-04/7:23 AM
The thought is good, but the poem could use more of the devices that attract someone unfamiliar with you and your subject. I often say that the spirit of a poem is more important than it's form, but here form is lacking. You've got the hard part, the rest is easy.
Re: Inquietude by klosterfobik	22-Aug-04/11:23 AM
I would only shorten some of the phrases, otherwise great. For example: narrowed to less than alone, pulled beneath the ruin of was, dropped upon the broken promise of forever - a restless drunken dream
Re: Symphony of Despairs by Prince of Void	22-Aug-04/3:01 PM
Yes, such despair, deprivation, disilusionment and misconception. All is void of hope and any glimmer of happiness. Hey, might as well eat, drink and be merry.
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Aug-04/3:23 PM
What fun in the dandilions, I remember it well.
Re: Absolution by andrewjthomas	23-Aug-04/1:55 PM
A nicely told story. Might want to call it a Prose Poem.
Re: Eagledale Drive by klosterfobik	24-Aug-04/5:34 PM
A nostalgic neighborhood tour with lots of questions for one not acquainted with yours. Mine is very clear too.