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Inquietude (Free verse) by klosterfobik
The pitch blue still of night, dreary sameness of subtle subtraction, the pale residue of removal narrows me to less than alone, pulls me beneath the ruin of was, and drops me upon the broken promise of forever, in a restless drunken dream of us together in winter - when we were younger, walking slowly against an unthawed wind, hardly a shiver, two clinging hands - guiltless and whole. And I awaken to the dim hum of my room's quiet seclusion, and wonder where she sleeps tonight, wonder why our eager joining went so wrong - wonder if her delicate redolence was ever given for free? And if you've looked into the aching eyes of spent beauty, You've seen the sorrow I love, And if you've touched the bright side of demise, you've touched my troubled lover's bareness.

Up the ladder: With All My Heart
Down the ladder: Mississippi Burnin.

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.230769
Weighted score: 4.4376473
Overall Rank: 12915
Posted: August 15, 2004 2:49 PM PDT; Last modified: August 24, 2004 3:11 PM PDT
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 | 15-Aug-04/3:49 PM | Reply
The last 4 lines are especially nice.
[9] Dan garcia-Black @ 66.159.205.32 | 16-Aug-04/9:41 AM | Reply
"How about the little blue pill of the protracted night?" JK
To me the center of the poem is:
"And I awaken to the dim hum
of my room's quiet seclusion,
And wonder where she sleeps tonight,
Wonder why our eager joining went so wrong,
Wonder if her delicate sweetness was ever given for free?"
It's never free, but it can sometimes be reasonable. -9-
[9] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 | 22-Aug-04/11:23 AM | Reply
I would only shorten some of the phrases, otherwise great. For example:

narrowed to less than alone,
pulled beneath the ruin of was,
dropped upon the broken promise of forever -
a restless drunken dream
[8] SupremeDreamer @ 65.45.152.4 | 25-Aug-04/6:58 AM | Reply
walking slowly against an unthawed wind,
hardly a shiver,
two clinging hands - guiltless and whole.

That's what stuck with me.. the rest was good too, but everyone is particular in some retarded aspect.. ah well, enough rambling: Blessed with eight.
[n/a] klosterfobik @ 64.12.117.6 > SupremeDreamer | 7-Sep-04/5:49 PM | Reply
Thanks.
[n/a] ==Doylum @ 80.176.136.171 > SupremeDreamer | 11-Sep-04/6:22 PM | Reply
eh
erm
oh fuck
what's the point
[0] Bachus @ 24.130.62.102 | 11-Sep-04/5:37 PM | Reply
pickle
[n/a] klosterfobik @ 205.188.117.6 > Bachus | 11-Sep-04/6:12 PM | Reply
I'd love to meet you bachus.
[0] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 | 14-Sep-04/11:48 PM | Reply
And there you go.
[0] Shardik @ 24.130.62.63 | 15-Sep-04/11:35 AM | Reply
Smoking
[0] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.130.62.63 | 15-Sep-04/2:36 PM | Reply
Another lukewarm pint of goat urine.
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