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If time can not persuade, then one must goad. (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
Not all risks are fatal, son remember, know that the past is gone a faded image of yesterday. Charge on blind, let chance hold sway gamble your soul-- the odds are but hyperbole; if nothing you run the risk of winning and by now theres ain't a thing left for you to lose. Let it ride, misplace your pride, a silly thing to cling to when you choose to hide. Understand this: It's time to choose between waiting for the faded horizon to explode in twilight as the last embers of your wintry fire begin to flare, smoke evanescing, your death rattle all but fleeting, or blazing across the plains, outshining the dawn as it breaches the skies western lip. Remember, know that the days of waiting are done, you've watched the dice fall long enough-- it's time to play. Leave the call for surrender behind, let chance hold sway; gamble your soul, the odds are but hyperbole-- know that not all risks are fatal son, now that the past is gone: the faded image of yesterday, a product of mental decay.

Down the ladder: Shocks

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.6
Weighted score: 5.190725
Overall Rank: 4708
Posted: August 17, 2004 1:27 PM PDT; Last modified: August 17, 2004 1:27 PM PDT
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[8] Dovina @ | 17-Aug-04/7:13 PM | Reply
You’ve got some complicated wording here. Maybe it’s a first draft, a verbose spilling. Some stuff could be cut/simplified to a better result, unless you have some underhanded urge to confuse. Sometimes I like to get a draft done, post it, keep my mind off it for a day then go back to it and revise. I’m more critical and less attached that way. Ever feel like you haven't quite hit the mark you were shootin for? And the more you mess with a poem the more you see it cripple-like and dwarfed? Sometimes my poems get better in form as I tweak them, but worse in spirit, the law of sacrifice, or the law of political trading. Your poem has good lines and good images, but I have trouble following it.
[n/a] frdup717 @ > Dovina | 20-Aug-04/2:59 PM | Reply
i had a hard time following it too
maybe you should re-word some of it
[n/a] Christof @ | 27-Aug-04/6:01 AM | Reply
Why follow a rhyme scheme, then desert it, then take up another half-arsed one in the last stanza? I can't see that it contributes anything to this poem; there seems to be no formal point to doing it. It jars.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > Christof | 28-Aug-04/8:36 PM | Reply
You ask as if I had a reason or purpose in mind for skewing the rhyme scheme. It just sort of came out that way in my head really, plus I was not aware that some sort of "formal" point had been expected or assumed by default...

It jars, yes, thats pretty clear- any suggestions on where to begin straightening its spine?
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