Dovina17 Aug 2004

You’ve got some complicated wording here. Maybe it’s a first draft, a verbose spilling. Some stuff could be cut/simplified to a better result, unless you have some underhanded urge to confuse. Sometimes I like to get a draft done, post it, keep my mind off it for a day then go back to it and revise. I’m more critical and less attached that way. Ever feel like you haven't quite hit the mark you were shootin for? And the more you mess with a poem the more you see it cripple-like and dwarfed? Sometimes my poems get better in form as I tweak them, but worse in spirit, the law of sacrifice, or the law of political trading. Your poem has good lines and good images, but I have trouble following it.