Stephen Robins
on Trying to get signed? by Damien
14 Apr 2005, 5:04 AM
Clever rhyme stategy. I don't want to be identified with zodiac's rude ranting all over you last poem but this poem may read better if there was a concession to grammar? anyway I think as it stands it's worth an eight of anybody's votes.
I never said the poem said anyone ignored you. I said it proposes that they ignore you. Then I said, guess what, they already are; they don't need your permission.
You always say you're describing a case. You're always describing a population. You're also a racist. Is your answer going to be, No, I'm not; I, Dovina, declare that I'm not?
Why don't you try listening for once?
Sashaclese
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*****user has not voted on anything!?*****
So shut the fuck up.
Nagging about grammar isn't petty. Well, it's not as petty as writing a mediocre poem because you can't be bothered to do the grammar right, anyway.
Anyway, grammar has everything to do with writing what you feel. For example, by leaving "there" (instead of "their") you make the poem mean something entirely different from what you feel. It's not politician's actions that control our minds, it's just some actions... there.
For another example, you don't even know what you think and communicate like a fucking cerebral-palsied, you fucking moron. You basically prove:
1) Politicians don't use life-changing words;
2) Politicians control our minds; therefore,
3) There are no life-changing words.
- which is fucking idiotic.
For yet another example, you can't even communicate or read well enough to know what someone commenting on your poem is saying, anyway. You think we're having some big argument about whether "the subjects interlink they are not one", whatever that means, and you're probably all pissed about it and punching walls and shit, and no one's said anything of the kind. I've said some of the lines are simply WRONG. If you wanna wrassle, try answering that, buddy.
Why don't you try to make sense and stop spazzing all over the place? Hey, good luck!
Are you stupid, I stated this so people would feel MORE open to critisize.
Well done my hoot and a hay a hay and a hoot without what did we play does this catch what catch yes cath no cat see c was the letter I used. Oh yeah you cant understand hoots your right, but you would be better as a bamboon you big headed egotistic being enjoy your life and stop trying to offend.
COWARDS! ALL OF YOU COWARDS NOT TO VOTE ON MY MASTERPIECE!!!!!!!!! FOOLS! OR PERHAPS YOU FEEL YOURSELVES TOO WEAK TO JUDGE THE WORK OF A -- MASTER --.
Ah, such a downer poem. I wish it were longer, but the form is good. I wish I could make acrostics that were clever...
Yet another true musing, expressed well.
(5 is average, btw; 8 is between average and super awesome)
I thought this poem was very nice. Since I'm starting to read your works, it will serve to get me in the poetic mood for the rest of them. Good job; true and rhythmic.
Would you consider "being forced to eat from a dog bowl on all fours" an instance of subjugation that exceeds the Official Subjugation Threshold beyond which whinging is acceptable? I daresay you would. But do you even stop for a second to think that it might be in the subject's best interest to scoff their food in such a way? When Negroes first decided to come over to the United States all those years ago, they just pitched up on our shores with no education, no transferrable skills, no appreciation of how one should behave at a dinner table, and worst of all no underpants. We then trained and clothed them, and taught them the value of shoehorning. We introduced them to the fundamental building blocks of civilisation: religion, community, faith, family, and trousers. And when at last they had mastered the dog bowl, and could masticate without making an unseemly mess, we said to them "Rise up, and dine with us. You are no longer aminals. You shall feast at the table as men." I'll never forget the twinkle that flashed in their eyes as they grasped cutlery for the first time. It was a twinkle of defiance, of independence, and ultimately, of betrayal. From dog bowls, to cutlery, to top hats. We gave them an inch, and they took their own shoehorn factory.
I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed this. It does need lots and lots of tightening up, particularly in the last half; given your posting history I'm sure you already realize that and intend to do so.
In the first third you've got lots of great syncopation in the language which you kind of ease up on later, which is disappointing. The repeated images are great, but the structure of the repetition is disappointing in it's randomness. Perhaps consider structuring the repetitions to a greater degree, as a scaffolding for the stream of consciousness. The astute reader will realize they're being set up for the final repetition; make that sense of set up even stronger.
jars:
"if theyâve got them but a beer otherwise," -- it's an aside, so it needs to be punctuated as an aside
"to that Mexican fisherman" -- somehow the specificity jars for me, coming as it does in the midst of a riot of images jumbled together in a way that is evocatively latin. Just say "a" fisherman. You're going to personify him later anyway. The next part of this sentence is difficult to parse, interrupting the flow. I dunno...perhaps "who upon seeing [or, who when he saw] the white parachute of the first parasailer he had ever seen mistook it,..." The final clause of this sentence rocks. It's just damn good, because of it's synergy with the image of urchins hanging from the church bell rope. Why don't you break after it? And then break again after "But his boat was heading south." Just a suggestion -- type it out that way and see how it looks to you.
"a complementary touch of silver to the plastic treasure chest," blech. "a flash of silver complementing the plastic treasure chest" or "a touch of silver for the plastic treasure chest" or "a complementary flash of silver FOR the plastic treasure chest"
"...its bed,
the fishing village..." jars because the second part seems like an independent clause at first glance. "it's bed in...", or "...to it's bed, to the..."
"to have its light scattered..." "to have" seems unnecessary. Then I felt the need for more repetition: "the moon on which he does not focus his eyes directly"
"parasailers rather than to fisherman" -- the "rather" is unnecessary & jarring
"And if you donât focus or notice the three-dimensional contours..." hard to parse. Either a comma after focus, or repeating "don't" would fix it.
"...left for a really cheap room..." really is REALLY jarring. try "dirt" or something or just no extra adjective at all, it's unnecessary.
The beginning image repeated at the end is necessary & perfect, but its raison d'etre is perhaps a little weak. "...as time itself issued..." blah. Why not bring back a boy hanging from a rope here, ringing the bells -- keep it concrete...underlying meaning is abundantly present throughout the poem, no need for overt abstractions.
"why don't you try constructive critisism without trying to make sense"
comedy gold, right there.
I hope you realize you're being a grammar nazi nazi. Or is that meta-grammar-nazi? grammar nazi squared?
Since you've clearly never asked yourself this question, let me ask you: what would you say distinguishes "language" from, for example, some series of grunts and hoots a group of baboons might make when another baboon flashes their bright red ass at them (as they are wont to do)? That's right...rules.
Maybe you would feel more comfortable hanging out on baboonpoetryranker.com. You can express your feelings there, with any old series of grunts and hoots, (or more to the point, any old strung together series of incomplete phrases and disjointed aphorisms) and without putting any effort into making your pomes intelligible.
(I apologize for my rampant primatism)
I personally would like to suggest that although white people should not let themselves be subjugated in the interests of fairness, they might want to consider having the decency to not whine and whinge about some instance of "subjugation" that happens to transpire when said "subjugation" is utterly laughably trivial in comparison to the sorts of historical and ongoing subjugation for which the word subjugation ought to be reserved.
Thankyou for your advice but nagging at grammar is petty, I uderstand it is vital in making sense to brainiacs (how about thta for bad grammar)but it has nothing to do with writing what you feel. The subjects interlink they are not one, hope you have a good life putting people down why dont you try constructive critisism without trying to make sense. Well done and good luck
The poem could be interpreted as a didactic statement to that effect. Iâm not up for it either. An incident like this shows me in a personal way what black people went through and in some cases are still going through. I am not willing to suffer retribution, however, for what I did not do.
Congratulations.
Well, you can never please everybody. But I think slackened is right -the arrow is not being drawn back to be fired, but is being allowed to rest, so that would mean a slackening of the bowstring. It makes the initial 'drawn back' rather paradoxical, suggesting the movement although it doesn't happen in the end. You're right about 'loosed' though - 'pitched' was better, like Hopkins' 'pitched beyond pitch of grief' (pang of grief? Can't remember). Anyhow, this will be the final revision. I can't stand it anymore. Pah!