poemranker ::Homecoming by Dovina

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Free verse № 123288

Homecoming

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 11 Apr 2005 · Edited 12 May 2005 · 17 comments

I lie beside him in the bed and feel his breathing slow his years and gray still bright mine fading as the night Until his morning hand reaches and I’m gone nothing will have changed his mind at rest my body too Just a short walk an errand really yes, an errand Out the door down the stairs Why was it I left the bed? If I think only this well now and worse with time how can any other walk be love? It’s kinder now before the worst with sense to act his courage strong Del Mar Street still too close a few more blocks then stand and wait Can’t quite remember why I came or exactly where I am only that it’s time Those headlights yes, it’s time two quick steps the lights of home

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mean 4.80 weighted 4.98 rank 8358 views 321 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

17 comments

[9] zodiac 12-Apr-05/6:01 AM Reply
The third and last stanzas are well-written. The rest could use some poetry.
[10] Stephen Robins 13-Apr-05/5:13 AM Reply
Congratulations.
[8] wilco 12-May-05/6:03 PM Reply
Always a super feeling when you escape without waking them up.
[n/a] Dovina › wilco 12-May-05/8:17 PM Reply
I'm afraid she was not feeling super.
[7] deleted user 12-May-05/7:25 PM Reply
The third stanza is a bit out of place and actually redundant. Unless the significance of 'errant' escaped me?

I read the last stanza two ways. Morbid me.
[n/a] Dovina › deleted user 12-May-05/8:16 PM Reply
I was hoping for it to be read only one way. There is no effort to conceal the truth of what happened here.
[5] Alizarin_Crimson 12-May-05/8:07 PM Reply
What I don't like about this poem is that it intentionally has me guessing as to what happens. If you don't want to tell us what happens, don't write a poem about it. REVEAL the truth, don't mask it.
[n/a] Dovina › Alizarin_Crimson 12-May-05/8:16 PM Reply
Sorry to give you that impression. As you can see this is a revision of a poem I posted a month ago. Most of the people I showed it to did not understand it then. That upset me because I was making no effort for double meanings or cloudy intent. This revision is an attempt to make the situation clear. It seems I may have failed in my second attempt.
[7] deleted user › Dovina 12-May-05/8:36 PM Reply
Failed? A two-way ending is always nice. Here we have one version to keep readers from committing suicide and one for readers to prompt them
[7] deleted user › deleted user 12-May-05/8:42 PM Reply
I realise this may be rude as it could be autobio-based. But I have outspoken ideas about suicidal people.
[n/a] Dovina › deleted user 12-May-05/9:18 PM Reply
I want neither to encourage suicide nor discourage it with this poem. And I want no double ending here. I have strong personal feelings against suicide, but this is not a poem about my feelings. Nor is it autobiographical. What I failed to communicate is that it is a story, a true story. I often think that if a subject is not close to me I can write rather succinctly about it, and that if the subject or the people in the story are close to me, then it muddles within my feelings and comes out wrong. So I think it has come out here. This is a powerful story about love and respect of an old woman who cannot tell it. I am not going to give up very soon in my effort to tell it for her. I appreciate your comments.
[7] deleted user › Dovina 13-May-05/5:52 AM Reply
Dovina; in stanza 9 the lady makes a choice. In stanza 10 she comes to action. The power of this poem (and my voting was rather impulsive) is that her choice can be two quick steps in the wrong direction, or it can also be a choice of hope: two quick steps up and into the bus home. This does not square with YOUR intentions, but you didn't write the poem exclusively for yourself and the people you based the poem on. Otherwise you wouldn't have published it... You wanted to tell the true story, unfortunately some interpretations where 'false', but it doesn't mean that the poem is a failure. It reads like a novel, it has the feel of a film noir. Nothing wrong with that.

Messing up autobio's because of muddled feelings intervening? That's an odd thing to say. Don't you realise that the last stanza may not only paint the picture as it is, but at the same time reflects your feelings, your wish that the person dear to you had made a different choice, or choices?
[n/a] Dovina › deleted user 13-May-05/10:36 AM Reply
Yes, I see what you mean now about the other possible ending. The option, which she had all along, of taking two quick steps in a direction away from the oncoming car, never occurred to me. Of course, I see it now, she could have done that, and how I wish she had. No, it is a better thing she did considering her degenerative mental disease. It is part of the muddling that went on in my head. Thanks again.
[7] deleted user › Dovina 13-May-05/12:55 PM Reply
'Why was it
I left the bed?'

This one is another example. For this I read Blandness. She keeps looking for the man who isn't nameless, whose face does not blend into all the other faces, she can't find him and that depresses her. Now how was I to know you meant d.m.d.?... Stanza 5 gives the answer. And I overlooked it. Which means that you wrote a strong poem that requires more than just a superficial reading. That's true poetry, I think. It acutally deserves more than the 7 I gave it.
[n/a] Dovina › deleted user 13-May-05/1:13 PM Reply
It is possible to vote again, overwriting your first vote. However, if I have to explain a poem then the poem does not adequately explain itself.
[9] zodiac › Dovina 14-May-05/12:17 AM Reply
Am I crazy thinking this poem was originally simply about a woman sneaking home after a one-night stand? If it was, it was better that way.
[9] zodiac › deleted user 14-May-05/12:15 AM Reply
re "Messing up autobio's because of muddled feelings intervening? That's an odd thing to say."

No it's not. To take one instance (of many), I'm currently reading T.E. Lawrence's memoir Seven Pillars of Wisdom, where he strains himself trying to make Bedouin bumming sound healthy. Talk about feelings getting in the way!