some deleted user
on Front Range Toll Road by sliver
18 Apr 2005, 6:32 PM
Very creative...So, I can look for the headline: Local man saves tiny town through poetry. -10
not that it answers it, but that reflect all you want it's the best answer you're getting.
how do you get the didacticicism when the line before is "ACQUIESCing to a TOKEN cadence?" Since you know what didactic means, I have to assume you know what "acquiesce" & "token" mean -- does the suggestion that the birds' whole existence is helpless surrender to a rote living out of patterns for which there isn't a rational, external logical answer but which is a priori & pervasive not rule out for you the idea that the narrator is didactically urging us to "be cause"??????? <scratches head and looks disgruntled>
Perhaps I'm really stretching, but is the end a homage to that famous hemingway short about the guy going fishing where he adroitly captures the shellshocked emotions of a returning war vet by carefully never mentioning them -- or any other emotion, and giving every detail exactly the same note right up to the end? this pome has a bit of that feel for me.
Well, even though your grammar's terrible, you do certainly know how to rhyme. Many of the lines not only rhyme on the ends but have rhymes inside them! With all the breathtaking double rhymes I was getting my hopes up for a triple rhyme before the end...but perhaps you'll pull that off in your next opus.
I actually really like the more more more -- it makes the whole pome for me. Because with the "they too must make their honest living" you wander dangerously close to hallmark/maudlin and the more more more yanks the reader back violently from that precipice.
I'm just going to be worthless and say I enjoyed this.
<3 Jason
If you were hindu, you could have gotten off with the easy answer of Karma/Dharma.
The car alarm screaming more, more, more, is a bit of a what the fuck, but I was enjoying it for the most part. Random Fact: Swans are vicious fighters(Bloody and to the death).
Excellent control, and the title fits the body well. -8-.
<3 Jason
You are welcome.
I'm not one of the sticklers for "grammar", but it is an important aspect of writing.
If by attacking you mean, giving an honest and somewhat tactful opinion, I'm known for that. Everyone is egotistic(especially me). The difference between a street preformer and a concert musician is practice, and audience. With practice and editing, I think you might be a decent read.
<3 Jason
Yeah, silly little high school poems.
What do you mean jesus is watching, isn't he?????!!!!!!!
How come you say "fuck" all the time, but never actually write it out as "fuck"? Is it in case Jesus is watching? Just curious.
No real movement for me but it does represent what you can do with words.
Very nice mouthfull, love the style, great talent and wonderfullllll subject.
Sorry for the GASTLY grammar mistakes
Thanks. But all this "attacking" is what your doing, I admit the poems I posted on this site are all "egotistic" but that is what I am aiming for. Keep reading lines that mean something like I do. I have never rehearsed them okay, they are what you want them to be. They are also only for me to see peoples response to a very egotistic person.