Dovina
replying on Returning by Dovina
29 Apr 2005, 6:16 AM
It's easy really, when all the other doors are closed.
I wonder if you read much of the poetry that's written these days. Of course a lot of it is crap, just like most poetry from any time, but I think you'd be really surprised and pleased by some. Check it out.
Robert Pinsky posts a new poem on his Slate.com page every week. They're always pretty good, and you can see them here: http://www.slate.com/?id=3944&;cp=333
"Begin with an individual, and before you know it you find that you have created a type; begin with a type, and you find that you have created - nothing."
-'The Rich Boy'
This is great. One thing: "born" should be "borne".
Say "his", not "their".
The last stanza has got to go.
The line "that paint deserts golden pink" doesn't seem connected to any of the rest of the poem. And I don't even know if it's true.
"Settling" should probably be "settle".
Samson and Delilah doesn't really fit, since you're getting your hair cut (i.e., you're Samson) but it's not making you weak (i.e., like it did Samson).
The last two lines are great and well-broken. Make the two lines leading into them stronger. You don't need to say "I've shorn myself for the summer" for so long, since you've already said it and better. Think of something else. -10-.
I considered that. Now I think the key's just some vaguely-defined passion, the kind of thing middleagers mail-order "instructional" videos to recapture.
She lives in Maine. There is only one man.
Not bad, but it should be "thirst like she HAS never known before" and broken into several shorter sentences - after "reside", I'd say, and maybe after "brine".
But don't feel bad. I'd rather be clever any day than typically poetic. And when I was your age I thought I was one of the Algonquin Circle.
Are you under the impression that mature people talk like this?
Look, just so you know I'm not some Neanderthal, I got a perfect score on the English section of the SAT and a near-perfect on GRE English, and if I were anywhere near you now I'd beat you up for your lunch money. I responded, um, incendiarily because of your smug response to the commenter above and because you're just a little thesaurophilic for your own good. I have to admit, I thought the brook feeding the champaign was rather clever - but it's clever only; it's not particularly artistic, well-put or, more importantly, evocative. That is, when you read this poem aloud to people, it's not going to give them an image of brooks feeding champaigns or nearly anything else. Don't lose all the clever words, but make this able to impress and evoke in people without them.
And scientific phrasing in poetry is overdone at least since Dovina started doing it.
What do you know? I gave him a higher vote than you did.
Hello Mulberry. I hope all is well with you. Why the orientation change? Why not just find another man?
I hate to admit I like this, but I do.
Luckily, in Maine, we have domestic partner benefits, regardless.