Re: Engine Braking by INTRANSIT	sliver 209.248.115.33	14-Dec-07/10:16 PM
Then the air brakes Staining to hold the load As the curve looms Incidius asphalt Dying to kill Hot brakes Nothing but a jake Standing between me and death Untill salvation arises A sign Runaway ramp ahead Fuck it The altenative is death
Re: Suicide Note(I Blame You) by alvinb	x0lovelylarnx0 68.57.36.157	14-Dec-07/12:06 PM
I'm just curious, but when you say your flying to the sky do you mean Heaven, cause last time I checked people who commit suicide don't go to heaven??? Otherwise the poem is decent, but I think the last 2 lines need to be changed.
Re: Suicide Note(I Blame You) by alvinb	LynnJR 207.200.112.131	14-Dec-07/11:18 AM
wonderful poem, very deep, very wounded and dark, displayed the resolution of giving up giving in, the final breath. I t flowed very well however the third stanza iwould swith the third and last line to keep with your rhyme scheme. - lovely work
Re: Suicide Note(I Blame You) by alvinb	Caducus 80.229.129.138	14-Dec-07/5:36 AM
you write with the same flaws i did years ago and need a well intentioned critique. First off your opening is attention grabbing and you have a skill for meter and not verbose. It also looks like you keep focus throughout the poem yet the subject is so overdone and done better that you're setting yourself up for a fall. Try and be cryptic, creative, show dont tell. Someone on here once tore me to shreds and rightfully so, I got all defensive until i realized i was defending a poor standard of work. Dont get me wrong the critic was a bit of a knob (poetandknowit) but they knew good from bad and if you learn where your work is weak you could be credible. Go to the bottom of my profile, read an old poem and compare it to one now. 3-4 years makes a big difference IF you take suggestions on board. This site was my first and writers then like tintagiles, intransit, gods wife horus and christof are a good starting school for style, substance and a love for this old dog poetry.
Re: The bakers wife by Caducus	Caducus 80.229.129.138	14-Dec-07/1:29 AM
A draft at the mo, any ideas? Kind of inspired by gods wifes poem bread and oranges plus a brutal scene from the tudors.
Re: Whore of Babylon by oneglove	LynnJR 70.166.7.178	13-Dec-07/5:07 PM
GREAT JOB!really like what you had to say, great flow,great message, great delivery.
Re: 7 Deadly Sins by forsaken	LynnJR 70.166.7.178	13-Dec-07/4:57 PM
great expression of how you feel about this person,I would tighten up the meter to improve the flow, a few typo's, and a few places the rhyme seemed forced, but cleverly written to portray the feelings and incorporate the 7 deadly sins, it was an enjoyable read.
Re: Engine Braking by INTRANSIT	Caducus 80.229.129.138	11-Dec-07/4:52 AM
Artic freeze so to speak. Dealing with Class I drivers I usually imagine what they get up to when they aint trunking. Cool poem, unlike your journeys - short.
Re: Crotchety Old Geezer by Dovina	Caducus 80.229.129.138	11-Dec-07/4:48 AM
geezer - Englands best export
Re: a comment on Easter Egg Hunt by Dovina	Caducus 80.229.129.138	11-Dec-07/4:47 AM
likewise but plaudits to Dovina for making us feel like twats lol
Re: The Book of Images by Dovina	Caducus 80.229.129.138	11-Dec-07/4:45 AM
back savouring this again, it gets better each time i read it. Merry X.
Re: Children of adults by Caducus	SupremeDreamer 130.65.109.104	10-Dec-07/8:26 AM
Good... but it isn't a haiku.
Re: My circlet of reveries by liya	Jessina 61.1.236.77	9-Dec-07/9:26 PM
Dear Lees, A wonderful piece of sublime feelings with good rhyming. A good attempt .Keep romancing with your pen.
Re: Return from Dubious Mission by Dovina	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 79.65.246.152	9-Dec-07/5:49 AM
Garbled nonsense. Throw it in the bin.
Re: Whore of Babylon by oneglove	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 79.65.246.152	9-Dec-07/5:43 AM
Is this communist talk!? Get it off this site or I'll call the police.
Re: Home coming of her love by Jessina	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 79.65.246.152	9-Dec-07/5:39 AM
"Sighing profoundly she saunter" is a very haunting line to open with. Is that what you were aiming for?
Re: Day Dream by Jessina	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 79.65.246.152	9-Dec-07/5:35 AM
This is an excellent poeme. Unfortunately it makes me think that you don't really appreciate the true meaning of Christmas. You think it's all about getting presents, but it's not.
Re: a comment on Day Dream by Jessina	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 79.65.246.152	9-Dec-07/5:35 AM
Excellent use of "mat" to rhyme with "sat" by the way.
Re: Whore of Babylon by oneglove	Dovina 208.127.120.32	8-Dec-07/7:11 PM
Lines 3 and 4 are good. The rest, well, a work in progress.
Re: 7 Deadly Sins by forsaken	Dovina 208.127.120.32	8-Dec-07/7:08 PM
Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Pride - Yep, you've sinned them all and deserver hellfire without possibility of parole. That's what you deserve, but because of one who already paid, you get better than you deserve if you want it. However, the sins of "your still save with me", "that bad that", and "I haven't crave in such awhile" are simply unforgivable.