you write with the same flaws i did years ago and need a well intentioned critique.

First off your opening is attention grabbing and you have a skill for meter and not verbose. It also looks like you keep focus throughout the poem yet the subject is so overdone and done better that you're setting yourself up for a fall.

Try and be cryptic, creative, show dont tell. Someone on here once tore me to shreds and rightfully so, I got all defensive until i realized i was defending a poor standard of work. Dont get me wrong the critic was a bit of a knob (poetandknowit) but they knew good from bad and if you learn where your work is weak you could be credible.

Go to the bottom of my profile, read an old poem and compare it to one now. 3-4 years makes a big difference IF you take suggestions on board.

This site was my first and writers then like tintagiles, intransit, gods wife horus and christof are a good starting school for style, substance and a love for this old dog poetry.

wonderful poem, very deep, very wounded and dark, displayed the resolution of giving up giving in, the final breath. I t flowed very well however the third stanza iwould swith the third and last line to keep with your rhyme scheme. - lovely work

I'm just curious, but when you say your flying to the sky do you mean Heaven, cause last time I checked people who commit suicide don't go to heaven??? Otherwise the poem is decent, but I think the last 2 lines need to be changed.