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Home coming of her love (Other) by Jessina
Sighing profoundly she saunter Down the corridor of her chamber Slow was her movement Like a weary itinerant Lost in a world of sheer gloom Lounging restively on the stairs so plume Quivering in hoary morn Clinching her ruddy coverlet Soft and chilly breeze gently wafted Those braided curls festooned once With exquisite pearls from Venice Tumbled on her delicate collar Reminiscence of bygone memories Of those incessant ecstasies Strolling languidly in soothing moon lit night Clasping the hands of her prince so might Citadel bells began to chime Melody of splendid rhyme Proclaiming the blissful home coming Of her darling prince so charming Here he comes leaping the torrent Graceful, majestic and valiant Merrily riding his snow white mare Heads up with brawny spirit; ever so rare Swiftly she hears a gentle knock; on the carved ivory door Aching the fiber of her entire core Slowly she unlock the silvery latch Drifting herself in a tender catch There he stands; with shimmering smile Rocking her wheezing for a while Hastily met their parching eyes To unfold the desires of myriad days.

Down the ladder: The Bed I Made

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Weighted score: 5.0794687
Overall Rank: 6454
Posted: November 29, 2007 3:34 AM PST; Last modified: November 29, 2007 3:34 AM PST
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[5] amanda_dcosta @ | 2-Dec-07/10:02 AM | Reply
Hmmm... Jessina, Here are a few things I would take note of.... avoiding the 'ing' form of the words, like beginning with Sighing.

For eg. ... just a suggestion,

She sighs profoundly and saunters
Down the corridor of her chamber.
Her movement was slow
Like a weary itinerant.

Lost in a world of sheeer gloom,
She lounges restively on stairs so plume
Quivers in hoary morn
And clinches her ruddy coverlet.

There seems to be a slight conflict in tenses.... for which you have to be careful about. But, nice choice of words.
[4] Dark Angle @ | 2-Dec-07/1:29 PM | Reply
Lately, thanks to Superbad, anytime I see the word "coming" I'm brought to that conversation in the bar with those silly cops and McLovin. Just wanted to share, and doesn't Poemranker remind you a little bit of show in tell back in elementary school?
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ | 9-Dec-07/5:39 AM | Reply
"Sighing profoundly she saunter" is a very haunting line to open with. Is that what you were aiming for?
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