some deleted user
replying on Fatherâs Day by Dovina
19 Jun 2005, 7:20 PM
Manilow already wrote the mother/daughter poem to end all mother/daughter poems; Sandra.
As written, it's more story than poem.
Then jar it will...
I have a lot of reasons not to become my father. I'm doing different all right, nevertheless I'm like him more and more each day. I hate it, and can't do anything about it.
It's not just a father/son thing, for women it goes as well. But their aversion is less strong.
I disagree with your premise. I am sorry you aren't aware of many old men that don't fit this stereotype.
I'll try not to write about a woman's relationship with her mother to avoid the same trap.
Not a limerick.
Storks are elegant birds, and lore's attached significance makes them seem more elegant; but your point gets lost in the form and even reduces them to "simple" bird.
It doesnt matter if your IP# is the same as someone elses, check out 24.69.255.205 or 195.157.153.249 or 213.146.148.199. I doubt all the users with those IP# are the same poeple. And by the way, coincidences happen you know. What if my message is posted with the same IP# as untamed_fierce, and within fifteen minutes of each other. That doesnt prove anything AT ALL. So shut up unless you have some sort of persuasive "speech" and "reliable" evidences. If not, I wouldnt be accusing someone of plagiarizing that fast.
I want it to jar - not just that line, but all of it.
The son does not have to become like his father. I believe the core of a man can improve.
Most men don't have to consider, they simply see what's happening with dad...
On the other hand; the son is always convinced he will NOT become his father, he'll do better. So the idea that his own core also will be revealed in the end, escapes him.
Interesting musings, but also disappointing, as a poem. Don't know why precisely.
The 'complained/content' antithesis jars somewhat.
zodiac: I thought your new and more constructive criticism, which you introduced in the last month or so, would preclude giving a 10 with no comment,and especially giving a 10 when you probably don't mean it. I think a poet receiving a 10 or a 0 always deserves some comment.
As for the poem, it expresses personal feelings in a not-very-poetic way. Needs to be shortened and the line spacing does noit help.
In addition to spelling, please reconsider "firey eyes." Otherwise a pretty good expression of teen awe.
Not meant as a slam, really. These are mistakes I have made, and that I see many poets making. After we die, what matters?
But what if he can activate spell check only by manual command and can't spell spell check right? I mean, what does he have to check to see if spell check was spelled correct?
>>A boy would do anything for a girl.<<
Sure. For a whole nine months.
spell check.
I should have left it at one stanz, it has a funny ending. Between 'Crackers' and 'Inarticulate' there are too many 'of's.
Hey, but >>the cactus wants a hug<< is quite hilarious! Why don't you just throw out the bleak nonsense, and think up a few more funny lines alike? And do something about the penguins tuxedo; it's so 1880's.
just leave out the word subtler, or quieter, in line seven. it shortens the line a bit, but gives it a good rhythm.
Alright; you are dyslexic. Nothing to be ashamed of and it's definitely curable. But I'd like my enamel to last a little longer so I better steer clear from your poetry from now on...
This is pretty shitty.
Just to rebalance a dangerously tilting PoemRanker site.
This is pretty shitty