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Contemplation (Free verse) by raiyna
Darkness... a vessel for self-loathing and hatred that surrounds the soul, and consumed the very being that is I. So many years serving it, that precious memories that once provided warmth grew cold and refused to remind me of who I was. The aching inside me, briefly, almost felt secure... I trusted it to always be there. I yearned for it to finish me off... but it never let up: bit by bit, piece by piece, it buries me alive, reliving the horror over and, over, and over again. I was its muse and accepted it, unwillingly, but justly so. Thump. Thump. Thump. The heart beats on, but it no longer lies in my chest... I forsaked it for my protector, instead. It too, grows cold in its wake. Stubborness and rage remain my only friends... And they eat away at my flesh the more I submit to my abuser. I fought to remember, remember who I was.... who I wanted to be... and why... I accepted this, ever. Oh right, a trade... A pact that promised everything for nothing, and nothing for everything. A memory... what was that warmth I once felt? Affinity for my own well being, not judged by that which I cannot see, the darkness I chose to see... An overwhelming sense of elation, my new realization. It breaks through all barriers and sets me free. I am yours no longer.... I am myself, I am what I choose... to be.

Up the ladder: survivor
Down the ladder: Ocean's Passing

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 3.5
Weighted score: 4.5965877
Overall Rank: 12530
Posted: June 19, 2005 1:10 AM PDT; Last modified: June 19, 2005 1:10 AM PDT
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Comments:
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 19-Jun-05/7:04 AM | Reply
...contemplation...by...a...tortoise...
In other words; you ruined your own poem.
[n/a] raiyna @ 65.32.172.65 > deleted user | 19-Jun-05/1:19 PM | Reply
It's fine to criticize, but at least give me some feedback. What suggestions do you have so I may improve?
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > raiyna | 19-Jun-05/2:31 PM | Reply
I gave you feedback. About the blizzard of puncts. But I have a feeling you're attached to them.
[4] Dovina @ 12.72.12.187 | 19-Jun-05/6:57 PM | Reply
zodiac: I thought your new and more constructive criticism, which you introduced in the last month or so, would preclude giving a 10 with no comment,and especially giving a 10 when you probably don't mean it. I think a poet receiving a 10 or a 0 always deserves some comment.

As for the poem, it expresses personal feelings in a not-very-poetic way. Needs to be shortened and the line spacing does noit help.
[10] zodiac @ 213.186.191.33 > Dovina | 20-Jun-05/5:22 AM | Reply
I posted criticism and then deleted it so it would only show up in raiyna's email. She's the only one who needs to read it and, contrary to popular belief, I'm not posting comments just to see myself talk.
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > zodiac | 20-Jun-05/6:04 AM | Reply
How about letting other people in to the ways and unways of writing techniques? Isn't that what the board is for?
[10] zodiac @ 213.186.191.33 > deleted user | 20-Jun-05/6:06 AM | Reply
Not this time. I'm sure you guys get enough of me anyway.
[1] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > zodiac | 20-Jun-05/6:19 AM | Reply
Oké, but don't insinuate that other people are here mainly to see themselves.
[10] zodiac @ 213.186.191.33 > deleted user | 20-Jun-05/6:21 AM | Reply
I didn't mean to. I only meant myself. Seriously.
[10] zodiac @ 213.186.191.33 > deleted user | 20-Jun-05/6:26 AM | Reply
By the by, your English is better than most native speakers' most of the time. For whatever it's worth. Having finally gotten to my third fluent language, I appreciate what you've done with it.
[n/a] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.82 | 19-Jun-05/10:58 PM | Reply
The past simple of forsake is forsook not forsaked.
[n/a] raiyna @ 65.32.172.65 > Blue Magpie | 20-Jun-05/7:58 AM | Reply
Thank you for all your comments, I will work more on my poetry and try not to repeat the same errors I've made in this one.
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