zodiac
on I hate you too U2 by D. $ Fontera
14 Aug 2005, 1:17 AM
Hey, no one's done that wordplay before!
Do you really think that what wasps are doing in their hives is, um, stinging things? Other than that, nice.
"The itchiest itch is only a shadow of some greater almighty itch" is the most illogical thing I've ever said, and I feel it to the core of my being. How ya like dem apples?
You're not answering my point. CS Lewis' proof of God is the transience of earthly pleasure and his feeling that there's got to be some better pleasure out there. If you felt that earthly misery was pretty tepid overall, and you just KNEW there was some greater, higher misery out there, what would that be proof of? Um, God. My examples are exactly the same as CS, except mine make God sound kind of like a jackass, in my opinion.
And this is all bum thinking (or feeling?) to begin with. For all the reasons above. To wit, there's no reason to believe a word like, say, satisfaction means 'some perfect state of well-being pretty much unattainable in earthly existence'. Your problem, if I may say so Dovina, is that you keep forgetting words are just things we made up once.
Consider who is using it in common language. Recent immigrants, my friend, recent immigrants. Is that really the face you want to show the world?
"We all got our problems" is grammatically correct, if not exactly right for the present situation. Most half-educated people I know also habitually say "Everyone has his own problems" or "We all have problems". Which are easier and just as clear, if anything.
I agree with your point that "Everyone has their own problems" would be a perfectly fine thing to include in a poem written, say, in the voice of a hillbilly.
Describe "almost omnipotent".
The first 4 lines are good, given the tight restraint you've chosen. The last 4 lines drift from the theme.
Good thoughts, but need better poetic expression.
Do you mean "off my face"?
"a past that's not yet happened" the cycle, the simple thing.
It does seem that simple sometimes.
I very much like the ending - I think maybe too many small words pull the punch a bit.
Line 6 just affects the whole thing. Otherwise its a peach.
Better.
This is a concrete poem. Pretty neat on too.
What a nice thing to say. Thanks so much! I needed that today, and I may even be motivated to finally get all my shit together & make a little book. Thank you!
placid may not be the right word, k. it diminishes the impact of the rest of the otherwise strong poem.
T. Jonathron Remp
replying on Come back to me Nancy (or if not, then Faye) by T. Jonathron Remp
10 Aug 2005, 11:23 AM
Well thank you. It came to me in a blinding flash. Actually, it was more like a series of blurry bursts. Well, come to think of it, it was in fact closer to a long, dim hum of myopia.
Keep going...keep going...this is really great...Bethy:)
Jon this is magnificent...its a fav for me...Bethy:)