Re: Surveyor and Farmer by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.46	20-Aug-05/5:55 AM
Change the adjective phrases in stanzas one and two to something else. Otherwise, ace. -10-
Re: Take heart, you are closer than you know by Bobjim	zodiac 212.118.19.46	20-Aug-05/5:54 AM
I love the title. I wish the poem was about something else. -10-
Re: a comment on The burden of faith by Bobjim	zodiac 212.118.19.46	20-Aug-05/5:52 AM
First of all, most of the big mistranslation debates are over the Old testament; things like whether it was Adam's rib that was taken, or Adam's hip, or even - enigmatically - "Daddums' spliff". Considering that most of what Bobjim's talking about in the poem is Old Testament stuff, that's not such a crazy thing to worry about. Or maybe he means the Bible's mistranslated from the actual events that transpired, like Jesus saying "I'm tired" and John writing "Jesus says 'I'm God'." That's not impossible either, considering, one, John was like a hundred when he got around to writing gospel and, two, he had motive to revise Jesus upwards, being, by some accounts, "The one Jesus specially loved and called 'Snuggles'." Maybe YOU've been reading Dan Brown. (On a side note, isn't it the worst writing you've ever seen?) For one thing, the assertion that there are other contemporaneous 'gospels' (historically suppressed by the Vatican) that are slightly different from Matthew, Mark and company IS perfectly true. For another thing, have YOU read the Dead Sea scrolls? One of them (currently on display in my country) is entirely taken up with a fascinating account of gold hidden 100 paces from 'yon olde crooked tree' or something such. THAT, my friend, would have made good Sunday reading. Oh, yeah, and there's as yet no historical evidence for Jesus-the-Christ, so what are you on about?
Re: Written while Kayaking by Sasha	zodiac 212.118.19.46	20-Aug-05/5:33 AM
Great except for the internet words. Sorry. I'll never ever ever be cool with buddylist and IM in a poem. Call me a curmudgeonly Luddite.
Re: How Angels Sleep by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.46	20-Aug-05/5:30 AM
"confused to understand" is not real grammar. I like the rhythm of it, but'd really prefer "failing to understand" or something such (and it's nifty sprung-rhythm!) "About" in the third stanza stopped me a minute. I'd like to see "Nor" in its place. Would you consider dropping "About this feeling... can they bring" and the next stanza? Thanks. It was kind of superobvious. I'd change "platitudes" to a less-strong word, or example, or cool turn-of-phrase of your own. Okay, I made all the comments above without reading the last stanza. Wow. Oh. Okay. I don't think it works at all. For one, City of Angels???? For two, it's kind of just whimsical wish-fulfillment, isn't it? Not to mention utterly non-doctrinal, against everything you've written so far, and a rather trite Deus ex Machina. My suggestion (ie, if this were my poem, so you know what that's worth): The narrator-woman ends wishing for an angel to sleep beside her, knowing it doesn't really feel or understand anything she feels, but she settles for the compromise anyway. Yeah. Cool. I dig. Liked quite a few bits of the writing. You're good when you're poetic.
Re: a comment on Words by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.46	20-Aug-05/5:19 AM
I just assumed that the inventor of Shift+F7 was the inventor of the Word Thesaurus. Weird how you didn't... Since I've been silly, I'll go ahead and critique seriously. This could be a fine poem, honestly. I would, however: - drop "Tenuously" from the first stanza. - reword the second and third stanzas so they're not so overfull of adjective phrases. - drop "the" from before "past words" - Actually, make the second stanza something like: I perch on a tall ladder stacking words on past words high as play blocks ... and so on. - If you must include "teetering precariously", change it to something totally different or drop it entirely. Also, drop "One more record" and "Ignoring jeers and vain praise". The first line and the last three are really quite good. A lot of the focus of this poem seems wasted on the struggle-despite-hardship-and-persecution part. Once again, you've neglected to include a part about how you could be totally nuts and musguided. I think that part's a necessity for any poem, even if it's only lip service. Why not throw in a Babylon reference or something so people (including yourself) don't think you're just cocky? I know a great place for one (hint: instead of stanza three.) Anyway, give it some thought. Sorry for being facetious before. I really rather liked this one.
Re: a comment on More Than The World by XOXScottishgrlXOX	zodiac 212.118.19.46	20-Aug-05/4:57 AM
Yes, well I thought the immigrant comment was funny, that's all. I guess it wasn't. I don't think it's perfectly correct to say "his" all the time. But then it's not really correct to say "their" for everyone, everybody, anyone, and so on. On a continuum of correctness, "his" is more correct than "their". And a lot of feminist professors I know use "he" and "his" for everything, and they're not kicked out of the Feminists' Club. I should also say I know a few feminist professors who use "she" and "her" for everything and they're everybody's darlings. Of course, "We've all got our own problems" is more correct than either of the two, and has the advantage of being personal, which is a good thing to be when you're praying to God. I don't understand why you don't just say that. On a side note, don't you think it's funny how, impossible-to-grammaticize as it is, "everybody has their own problems" has been written by so many people that it's totally meaningless? I do. I really wish you'd write a poem about a person who had a real problem, by way of example and showing-not-telling. Let me know what you think.
Re: a comment on First by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.46	20-Aug-05/4:49 AM
I spent an hour last week trying to write a reply explaining why I didn't like it. Then I thought, well shit it's not like she spent an hour writing the poem in the first place. I also spent a long night reading Genesis last week and have decided Genesis is demeaning to women and you are demeaning to women. This shouldn't come as a surprise to you. The only way to make Genesis not-demeaning (which, I should add, I do as a matter of course) is by being flexible enough to squeeze through your own asshole. On top of that, I have very little idea what you mean by this poem.
Re: a comment on First by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.19.46	20-Aug-05/4:45 AM
I really really really didn't like it. As poetry or anything else. No hard feelings, I hope.
Re: a comment on Looking for someone by INTRANSIT	INTRANSIT 205.188.116.198	19-Aug-05/6:13 PM
See "Amputee" it's basically this poems predecessor.
Re: a comment on Looking for someone by INTRANSIT	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Aug-05/3:59 PM
No, please don't stop. I'm sure you can find her. I'm only worried about those tight turns in the ruts of West Virginia and that some of your eighteen wheels could get stuck.
Re: a comment on The burden of faith by Bobjim	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Aug-05/3:54 PM
I don’t think it’s been butchered very much at all. The old manuscripts that have been dug up recently show that not much has been changed through miscopying and bad translation. Maybe you’ve been reading “The Da Vinci Code” by Dan Brown, which promotes the notion of Bible butchering. The book opens by saying that he has written a work of speculation, not necessarily history. Then he asserts that the Nicene Council selected the New Testament books form literature in circulation at the time, and that other selections could have just as readily comprised a different Bible. In this way he writes a bible with almost no credibility, and proceeds with his bogus hypothesis. Actually, the books we call the New Testament are pretty well grounded in history. You may argue with what they say, but hardly with whether they come down to us essentially unchanged.
Re: a comment on Looking for someone by INTRANSIT	INTRANSIT 205.188.116.198	19-Aug-05/3:28 PM
For the first time in a long time here at p/r, I'm hurt. Serves me right for writing poetry. . . . .full stop
Re: a comment on Looking for someone by INTRANSIT	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Aug-05/12:17 PM
He needs better directions. Perhaps the name of the hollar.
Re: The Servant and The Messenger by ALChemy	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Aug-05/12:15 PM
At first I was impressed with a poet who says he's willing to forsake a belief if he receives truth that better supports a new belief. But toward the end it sounds like you are saying you already have truth and would not accept any other. The first 6 lines are great.
Re: Smells by the_poetess	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Aug-05/12:08 PM
The first verse is good, then it gets boring.
Re: Chocolate Bunny by not_a_philosopher	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Aug-05/12:06 PM
Funny!
Re: a comment on How Angels Sleep by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Aug-05/11:54 AM
I worry about what you mean by “beatifully was a pun” and will not go there. The last line has only three beats, while the previous three lines have four beats each. I see how you want another da-dum. The other verses are not so regular, however. How about, “She understood he knew her heart.”
Re: a comment on Surveyor and Farmer by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Aug-05/11:41 AM
What I mean by it is not dirty, in my opinion, but rather a very affectionate response.
Re: a killer world by AM I EVIL?	ALChemy 65.188.89.69	19-Aug-05/11:12 AM
The only thing more annoying than Billy Corgan is somebody quoting Billy Corgan. If you lose that line I'll move you up a notch. That'll put you at notch one. Sorry I've been waiting a long time to use that line on someone and I figured I couldn't make you any more depressed. I've been in that place before and the only advice I have is get tough and use capital letters when you start sentences.