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Surveyor and Farmer (Free verse) by Dovina He hikes all day in hardwoods,
transit on his shoulder,
steel tape dragging long.
I trudge alone in corn,
sack upon my hip,
plucking ears like days before.
His weariness from thinking, packing, sweat,
mine from picking, shooking, heat.
Eyes closed, half asleep.
Small squeeze, a swell.
Four eyelids open,
four lip corners rise.
Til next time, sleep well.
Up the ladder:
Those British Boys
Down the ladder:
Wrath
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.3333335
Posted: August 18, 2005 10:54 AM PDT; Last modified: August 18, 2005 10:54 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.62753 Overall Rank: 2198 Comments:
[8]
Bethy @ 24.222.32.246
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18-Aug-05/3:53 PM
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Reply
I like this one Dovina...secret encounters are fun...lol...:) Bethy
[n/a]
Dovina @ 17.255.240.138
> Bethy
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20-Aug-05/11:24 AM
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Reply
Yes they are, and a secret encounter after an exhausting day at work is especially nice. Thanks for the comment.
I'm not sure what "Small squeeze, a swell." is. I won't tell you what my guess is because it's kinda dirty but if I'm right I'll give you a 10 for the devilish grin you caused. Your on a roll now. Good flow again. Keep that factory in your head goin'.
What I mean by it is not dirty, in my opinion, but rather a very affectionate response.
There are some seriously lucky people on your friends list.
I think my idea was very affectionate too and (teeheehee) a little dirty ;) Great poem either way. 10+
Change the adjective phrases in stanzas one and two to something else. Otherwise, ace. -10-
An adjective phrase is any phrase which modifies a noun or pronoun. So you must mean lines 2,3,5,and 6. You have objected to my using lines like these in the past, and I've never understood why. It's become a part of my style and hard to change one's sex, but not impossible. I will change if convinced it's bad in some way besides preference. Really, thanks for the comment and vote.
Boring in the extreme,
Wishing you'd get to the point, Seeming a bit lazy, actually, creative or striking phrasings shunned, Pants sagging shamefully, Overused in bad poetry, Easy to fit in nice bad-poetic lines, All your sentences basically simple-present main clauses, Then long strings of adjective phrases, Meaning ALL of your sentences. Not agreeing subjects and verbs, Seeming in stanza two like the sack is plucking corn, Idly wondering if you see it yet.
Thanks for explaining. I think you mean to say something here, and Iâm trying to sort it out. I will consider using some of your points in future poems. I do wish youâd be more direct, though. Adjective phrases like âPants sagging shamefullyâ and âSeeming a bit lazy,â however, leave me wondering.
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