Dovina
on Rambling by terbenaw
8 Sep 2005, 12:40 PM
To answer your opening question, I can. Even the Apostle Paul could (Romans 7)
Could omit "My personality is" in verse 2.
I think it did affect us all...and I'm hesitant to say, but I think its true....on a much larger scale than even 9/11.
This is a better edit, although I did notice that in the last line, you got simgs instead of sings. Also, I'd love a little punctuation (a little pet peeve of mine).
Incidentally, The Scout seemed to strike people funny...I don't think most people really put any thought into it, as most thought that the Scout in the poem was a person...it wasn't. It can probably be interpreted in several ways, but the basic premise is that we fucked up. Be it in the fact that New Orleans was built below sea level, the fact that the levees weren't made like they should've been, that people just went completely apeshit minutes after the hurricane was over or any other number of things....the whole thing is..we fucked up as people.
BTW, none of us know anything of poems...if we did, we would be published and doing this for a living instead of posting on the Ranker.
"sings" in the last line. "gray" unless you're British. A terrible poem, which doesn't mean it's not good. It's just terrible.
The last four lines ring of something beyond the screen, I like that, links, ties, bonds, slavery!
Not in a kinked out way, but deeper.
Cudos lady.
I asked you if you really do not see the point of the poem. You answered “yes” you do not see the point, but added that you realize it’s a metaphor. You rambled about the reality of sunrises. I said your point was trite. That’s all it’s about as far as I can see.
Whats with the boats, and water stuff? Television is taking over your minds. Mankinds number one poison, TV.
I'm affected, goddamn I'm affected.
It's interesting to see natures reactions to our debauchery. The image of the wolves retaking the land strikes very poignantly, check out my edit of modern death. It's been changed quite a bit.
T. Jonathron Remp
replying on Stop stalking me, eventually by T. Jonathron Remp
8 Sep 2005, 10:47 AM
he took my panda
Thanks. It's interesting to see , at least in my perception, a parralell to your last submission, "Scout", in this piece o mine. Perhaps New Orleans really has effected us all, no doubt in me. Your comments are always appreciated, I respect your work. I'm not certain what this needs, outside of the obvious hack lines, which scream out in pain. I know nothing of poems, many will agree.
Did the undertow tow him to somewhere beneath the undertow? How odd. How?
i think it's lovely the way it is, though...
If I had nothing to judge a person's personality by except this poem, and were forced at gunpoint to say whether I thought this person were insane or not, I'd say insane. Definitely insane.
Oh. Remind me again, what's this conversation about?