| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Stardust (Free verse) by TLRufener The stars are out early
Shining brightly in the sky
Sprinkling their stardust
Down upon you and I
Golden glitter pours
As the stars twinkle above
Casting an enchanted glow
On our endless love
The sun still casts its light
Down upon the world
At your gentle touch
The wings of love are unfurled
As the sun sets slowly
Painting a rainbow in the sky
Stars sprinkle stardust
Down upon you and I
Up the ladder:
Denied
Down the ladder:
Angels
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.0
Posted: September 5, 2005 4:53 PM PDT; Last modified: September 7, 2005 8:01 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.7615943 Overall Rank: 11658 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[8]
Bethy @ 24.222.32.176
|
5-Sep-05/6:13 PM
|
Reply
very beautiful...it paints a nice picture...*8* :) Bethy
This poem is absolutley beautiful. I love it!
You know what I think is genius? How you've given a poem exactly the same name as one of the most famous songs of all time, yet your poem and the song are so dissimilar. I mean, check out these lyrics from the original:
And now the purple dusk of twilight time Steals across the meadows of my heart High up in the sky the little moon starts to climb Always reminding me that we're apart You wandered down the lane and far away Leaving me a song that will not die Love is now the stardust of yesterday The music of the years gone by Sometimes I wonder why I spend a lonely night dreaming of a song The melody haunts my reverie, and I am once again with you When our love was new and each kiss an inspiration But that was long ago, now my consolation is in the stardust of a song. Beside a garden wall, when stars are bright, you are in my arms The nightingale tells his fairy tale Of paradise where roses grew Though I dream in vain, in my heart it will remain My stardust melody, The memory of love's refrain Is there any point on which your poem didn't take a new and astonishing direction? No! Not a one! Beautiful. -10-
I have never heard that song before in my life. Wow.
Really? Amazon.com returns 213 results, including versions by Rod Stewart, Dave Brubeck, Willie Nelson, and a man named Hoagy Carmichael.
Though it still needs some work, I think you should look at this. jsp id=102847.
And 18345 which doesn't need work. these are good examples of relatively simple rhyme that can easily ratchet up a poem.
Heavens. Love/above. How original. Yawn.
Line 12: Put wings in the plural and get rid of 'were'. That helps the rhythm. However, for the sake of rhyme you have put that one line in past tense while the rest of the poem is in the present. It can work, but it seems odd. I'd also suggest changing it to 'down on you and I' throughout, thus adding to the five syllable rhythm threading through this whole thing (5, 8, 10, 11, 15).
Let me see... I read and voted on this twenty minutes ago. What exactly have you changed?
I changed what I felt should be changed.
wing ---> wings were ---> are
Ah. Right. Makes rather more sense thus.
And for a second I thought it was Willie..but alas, no.
There's just nothing original here...please see my comment on...umm, one of the poems by Heather Dee as it applies here as well.
It would be a lot more helpful if you just repost the comment. Thanks.
158 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
