| Re: a comment on Do 20 always make this poem sense? by Prince of Void |
Prince of Void 213.207.224.156 |
15-Jan-06/11:15 PM |
|
can u tell me what's the right grammar ,?
|
|
|
 |
| Re: Racism 3 by Dovina |
ecargo 172.156.147.17 |
15-Jan-06/9:56 PM |
|
I like this better than the others--a little more oblique but more effective for it. "Two became one flesh" is a cliche; might want to recast in more original words. Maybe start off with a stronger word than "It"--what hit like an asteroid? Stands in for the real word, which is always less direct and, thus, effective.
|
|
|
|
| Re: They Knew Me From Adam by D. $ Fontera |
Dovina 209.247.222.86 |
15-Jan-06/8:18 PM |
|
When you use a twist on a cliche in your title, I expect to find some allusion to the cliche in the poem. I like the third verse.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Whenever Forever Is by Enkidu |
Dovina 209.247.222.86 |
15-Jan-06/8:13 PM |
|
This is good,but I think present tense would be better than dodging, drinking, ratioining, etc.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on My Reason by PoeticXTC |
PoeticXTC 205.188.116.138 |
15-Jan-06/7:21 PM |
|
The capital letters are me yelling. Yelling at myself, convincing myself that leaving was the right thing to do. I'm not talking to the reader. I'm conflicting within myself.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Do 20 always make this poem sense? by Prince of Void |
Dovina 209.247.222.93 |
15-Jan-06/5:03 PM |
|
To answer your title question, no. It would help to get the grammar right; but even then, I don't see that it makes sense.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Racism 3 by Dovina |
zodiac 216.67.6.38 |
15-Jan-06/4:10 PM |
|
They did, didn't they? Add a stanza: How is what she thought TRUE?
|
|
|
|
| Re: Racism 3 by Dovina |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
15-Jan-06/2:43 PM |
|
Is this the one where you fight Mr.T?
Gettin' better.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Racism 3 by Dovina |
Dovina 209.247.222.92 |
15-Jan-06/2:30 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: Racism 3 by Dovina |
pollywolly 62.30.170.78 |
15-Jan-06/2:22 PM |
|
this is really good, i read this first then pt2&1 and prefer this. the opening is powerful and makes you want to read on while this powerful message is drawn to the end in same way. very blunt language used to good effect. well done
|
|
|
|
| Re: awakening by pollywolly |
Dovina 209.247.222.92 |
15-Jan-06/2:11 PM |
|
If it says what I think it might, it's a nice picture. Could you make it more clear, and say stand instead of stands?
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Uncontrolled scribblings one luch break by Nicholas Jones |
Nicholas Jones 86.135.254.59 |
15-Jan-06/12:38 PM |
|
Have to disappoint but I actually 'borrowed' the iron January image.....
|
|
|
|
| Re: Desperate Season by Sisterwolf |
pollywolly 62.30.170.78 |
15-Jan-06/11:48 AM |
|
i like this piece alot. very accurate descriptions and quite animated. i would love to see you write a piece from a different angle e.g how wonderful winter can be. well done
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on My Reason by PoeticXTC |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
15-Jan-06/11:36 AM |
|
THAT'S BECAUSE WHEN YOU USE ALL THESE CAPITAL LETTERS IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE YELLING!!!!
|
|
|
|
| Re: My Reason by PoeticXTC |
pollywolly 62.30.170.78 |
15-Jan-06/11:29 AM |
|
this seems to be a very angry piece atlest that is the way i read it but i cant seem to find reasons within the anger that justify it?
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Schoolyard Walls by Joe-joe |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
15-Jan-06/11:26 AM |
|
How did you know that he wouldn't know who Roger Daltrey was? Which, by the way he corrected your spelling on.
"Though I know that the hypnotized never lie" -Roger Daltrey from the song "We won't get fooled again".
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Racism 2 by Dovina |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
15-Jan-06/11:05 AM |
|
|
|
| Re: Schoolyard Walls by Joe-joe |
pollywolly 62.30.170.78 |
15-Jan-06/11:01 AM |
|
i thought this was super, great use of descriptive language where you can almost here the children playing and chattering. well done
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Racism 2 by Dovina |
ecargo 172.140.127.220 |
15-Jan-06/9:19 AM |
|
Superfacial may be my new favorite (non)word.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Racism 2 by Dovina |
ecargo 172.140.127.220 |
15-Jan-06/9:18 AM |
|
The main problem with this is too much telling, not enough showing. Dave Chappelle does a bit about being driven into the projects and knowing that's where they were headed because: "gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store." That raises an immediate image, just those few words. That's what's missing here. More "liquor store,
the greasy hot-dog stand" and less narrative and blatant point-making.
|
|
|
|
