Re: a comment on First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before	Been Here Before 67.40.152.90	23-Feb-06/11:17 AM
Yes. Melmichelle@hotmail.com is the only e-mail address that I really use. I just could not figure out how to log in without another one, and I did not even remember what I had logged in on as years ago. I just recently found my way back to computers, so those things allude me. I've spent so much time in cafes with pens and paper since Merlin took the computer, but people say I need to up-grade, so here I am ... again. I like Myspace only because all my true friends seem to have a home there and it is easy for me to talk to all of them at once. It is a great out-let and a new environment for me. -Mel P.S. Can you still get a hold of NFG - Writing With Attitude? I want to subscribe if it still exists. Thanks for the warm welcome!
Re: a comment on On Looking Back by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.6	23-Feb-06/10:58 AM
The meter may be sweeter to the ear, but the meaning is lost. He was not "all" in black, just mostly. And to say that was "his" blood on my knife either tells the reader way more than I want to, or it is worng. Yes, meter is good, but meaning is better.
Re: Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/10:13 AM
Huh. So . . . what's the bountiful meal? We know what you [in the poem] think is a waste of time--hankering after "just desserts"--things we feel are merited for our efforts?--but what is it that we should be craving instead? I don't get that answer from this--maybe I'm missing it. Here's where I get confused: in the second stanza, you say "Who hasn't learned/that what is earned/might not be rewarded/but if forwarded [?]/may not come on schedule"; then you say: For nature is far grander in scale/than one man's peace of mind [dunno that this is so--how do you measure peace of mind?]. . . he will not findthe golden chalice/or holy palace/that he believes/is his to recieve [receive]/but that the bread he's won has gone stale. So--what he's earned (i.e., worked to deserve?) might not be rewarded, but then he's so focused on the chalice/palace (through religion, I take it?) he might miss what he's won through his own efforts? 'splain? Maybe I should read the comments--you may have. The rhymes seems to lead you astray here and there. "to lament a life that lemons left/a sour taste to memories bereft/of smiles" is very awkward and hard to parse. Anyway, I think with some clarification, the ideas will come through better. 'scuse me for blah blah blahing all over your poeme.
Re: The chestnut by richa	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/10:00 AM
Gorgeous as ever, Rich. Three reps of "under the chestnut" seems too many though--we get it. Did you deliberately leave the first couple of lines unpunctuated so that it reads as dates have become altered/dates have become places (as well as dates and places have become altered)? Cool in a drunken/confused way. :)
Re: Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:52 AM
I really like your stuff, Zodiac, including this <gush gush, but what the hell>. The first line is killer. Like the falling-through-air using sex words; could do without the borrowed slapstick waiter (I don't think you need it). The metaphor works, for art, for writing. (But what do you mean in your comment by "free from context"? Shouldn't it carry its own context to be effective, to some degree anyway?) Dessert, not desert.
Re: a comment on Matters of the Heart by Fayt	Fayt 141.157.35.222	23-Feb-06/9:50 AM
i thought this poem was WAYYYY too repetitive... i dont like it all that much.. but i figured id post it anyway.
Re: First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:43 AM
Villanelles are tough because the repeating lines have to be strong for it to be effective. "I cannot watch because I won't pray" seems little awkward to me (mainly because if you're not going to use the contraction for cannot, doing so for will not seems, I dunno, forced--why not "I cannot watch because I will not pray"--that line sounds better in iambic pentameter, I think). Some of the lines are a little iffy: "hands . . . whisper"? Some others. Good effort.
Re: Iron Sky by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:35 AM
You nailed the form but lost some sense, I think: "burden of her foil"? Do you mean PollOck (Jackson Pollock)? I don't get what this is about, really.
Re: The Mirror by TLRufener	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:27 AM
I like the idea of smashing reflections--maybe focus it more there, other things to smash/avoid, don't tell us so obviously about the self-loathing, let the images carry it. Easy way to tell if you're telling too much is to count the "I"s and "my"s. You've got a lot of 'em. :) Good start.
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	ecargo 167.219.88.140	23-Feb-06/9:25 AM
A little too end-rhyme driven for my taste--admirable that you found so many rhyming words that worked in your narrative, but it too often leads to awkward phrasing or cliches. Also, too long for the eventual payoff, and the points are made a little too obviously and literally. Every read Ozymandias by Shelley? Another "met a traveller" poem with a big point to make, but he makes it without saying it explicitly: Ozymandias I met a traveler from an antique land Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, Tell that its sculptor well those passions read, Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed, And on the pedestal these words appear: "My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings: Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!" Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level sands stretch far away. (Or there's always the Monty Python version: I met a traveller from an antique land, Who said, "Six vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert And on the pedestal these words appear, My name is Ozymandias, King of Ants Look on my feelers, termites, and despair! I am the biggest ant you'll ever see The ants of old weren't half as big and bold And fierce as me!") ;-)
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	Ranger 88.106.139.102	23-Feb-06/5:12 AM
Wow, that was a long read. I think I should get a prize for finishing it. Seriously though, that's too long for a lot of people; I was switching off towards the end. The message is noble enough but it could have been said in a much more concise manner. The owl man is good, and the dialogue is done fairly well. I do think that you constrain yourself too much with the rhyming scheme - I reckon you could reduce the stanzas to four lines apiece, keeping the choice rhymes, and still achieve the same effect. In all honesty, I am going to have to come back to this later; there's far too much content to comment on in one sitting.
Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	Ranger 88.106.139.102	23-Feb-06/4:53 AM
This has some fucking awesome phrases in; the first stanza in particular got me going straight away. It's already been said, but I also think that this is at heart a prose poem - you put in a lot of description which makes it a long read when split into verses. Put together in prose form would make it easier, I think, for the reader to get through the description. Anyway, I have more to say about this but I'm on a friend's laptop at the moment and I find laptops in general bleedin' awkward to use, so when I get home I shall return to this poem.
Re: The Mirror by TLRufener	Ranger 88.106.139.102	23-Feb-06/4:44 AM
There's nothing wrong with wanting to put your own feelings/emotions into a poem, but for me particularly a poem is far more appealing without repeated use of 'I/me/my' etc. See if you can find a way of writing this that isn't in the first person - maybe try writing it from the mirror's point of view. Alternatively, my favourite trick is to invent a new point of view - something else in the room watching you, for instance. It just makes it more intriguing for the reader - and also allows for a bit more innovation.
Re: a comment on On Looking Back by Dovina	Ranger 88.106.139.102	23-Feb-06/4:39 AM
Yes, I'd agree with Blue Magpie. This is exactly what a limerick should be like though!
Re: Eternal Sleep by Artificial_Sweetner	aamir_trichy 203.129.195.149	23-Feb-06/3:57 AM
its nice....are u still hanging in????
Re: a comment on Iron Sky by MacFrantic	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.77	23-Feb-06/12:38 AM
but on second thoughts at least one of them should be a fullstop.
Re: Iron Sky by MacFrantic	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.77	23-Feb-06/12:36 AM
There are several commas missing in my view, but otherwise not bad.
Re: Matters of the Heart by Fayt	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.77	23-Feb-06/12:34 AM
As already mentioned there is very little in this for the reader, after the first gust of, oh not again it just gets boring.
Re: On Looking Back by Dovina	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.77	23-Feb-06/12:27 AM
It would work better, in my not-so-humble opinion if you had the metre right, as in--------- I once had a friend all in black, Who felt a sharp twinge in his back. With his blood on my knife, He fled for his life, So we never quite got in the sack.
Re: The Mirror by TLRufener	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.77	23-Feb-06/12:24 AM
Without being unkind, and in the realisation that your personnal suffering is quite real, can I suggest that as poetry this is pretty boring, I have read pretty much the same thing thousands of times. The feelings are not uncommon, and while that doesn't make them less painful for you it should make you realise that if you wish to put them into a poem that others are going to read, and if the poem is going to be a success then you have to offer something that the 100,000 or so people who have already written this same poem, in different but uninspiring ways had to offer. There is more to good poetry than putting your feelings on paper with a set of line-breaks. Some other conventional punctuation would help also.