Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.77	23-Feb-06/12:15 AM
I would agree you need to tidy it up, or cut out the line breaks and call it a prose poem, as a small tightly written story it could be great. But consider. "It had felt like god had reached down to manually pump the blood through his body." This is an excellent image, one of the strongest in the poem, but it would be better if you dropped the 'had' and left it in the present tense, also god should be God, if you mean the middle eastern deity who is the one and only of his kind, however if you are referring to simply one member of a pantheon then it should 'a god' or 'some god' I will refrain from commenting on any other stanzas
Re: a comment on lost souls by aamir_trichy	zodiac 209.193.14.52	22-Feb-06/11:17 PM
It's like this: http://www.poems.com/archdate.htm
Re: a comment on Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	22-Feb-06/10:15 PM
Ya, it started as a story I wrote but then made the sentences into verses. I don't think it's that simple =]. I need to go through it and clean it up. I'll keep in mind what you've said.
Re: a comment on lost souls by aamir_trichy	aamir_trichy 203.129.195.149	22-Feb-06/8:38 PM
whats it like then? i mean this is first time i have written something..........
Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	Dovina 69.175.32.104	22-Feb-06/7:13 PM
I was disappointed that you didn't build on, "which was thicker: the smoke or the smooth rhythms." I like this part: "She was gone,and much like his heart, her cigarette was left smoking in the ashtray" But too much of it tells us what is going on, which is ok in some poems, but not in a story. Lines like, "He immediately fell into his routine of extreme sarcasm and politically incorrect dialect" could better be replaced with story. Some parts give so many comparisons, it's dizzying: "The hazy lights of the club,like spotlights in the fog, made her eyes glow like the deep ocean under moonlight." Fewer words, please.
Re: On Looking Back by Dovina	drnick 24.176.22.254	22-Feb-06/6:26 PM
So, uh... what are you doing later? ;]
Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	22-Feb-06/6:23 PM
Hopefully someone will take the time to read this...I know I wouldn't.
Re: a comment on Pancakes by raven_the_poet	raven_the_poet 216.45.130.159	22-Feb-06/5:32 PM
^_^
Re: a comment on Home is Where the Hate Is by raven_the_poet	raven_the_poet 216.45.130.159	22-Feb-06/5:29 PM
Chorus: At home, it’s a constant rage, No time to make room for your own flesh and blood. But once again, You cry in the darkness, Try not to let him hear you screaming.
Re: a comment on Home is Where the Hate Is by raven_the_poet	raven_the_poet 216.45.130.159	22-Feb-06/5:28 PM
Yeah, I'm not going to change anything because it's a song, but thanks lol. I think it sounds fine, and if I plan on using it as a poem anytime soon, I'll take your suggestions into consideration.
Re: a comment on On Looking Back by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	22-Feb-06/4:29 PM
Come to think of it, yes. But they're always running off, and I don't know why. Just because of a little blood on a knife I happen to be holding, or because they don't like the breakfast I've prepared. Men are so circumstancial and suspicious. I am so misunderstood. :(
Re: a comment on On Looking Back by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	22-Feb-06/3:56 PM
The men in your life are surely light sleepers.
Re: a comment on On Looking Back by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	22-Feb-06/11:55 AM
I've said it before, but it's so good, I must repeat: she sliced off his penis fried it in grease served it for breakfast said, have a piece
Re: On Looking Back by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	22-Feb-06/11:34 AM
When Lorena Bobbit cut off her husband's willy the women in my family just laughed and laughed. I think it was something like the O. J. verdict for women. It's getting to the point that it's not safe to be a cocky white guy anymore.
Re: Iron Sky by MacFrantic	Dovina 69.175.32.104	22-Feb-06/11:25 AM
"Pollack praise her colorful retort" uses the telling word "colorful" and needs a comma after "praise." Would be better to show a colorful retort.
Re: Matters of the Heart by Fayt	Dovina 69.175.32.104	22-Feb-06/11:21 AM
It's a common theme, but honestly said. I think you could say is half the words though.
Re: a comment on First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before	Been Here Before 67.40.152.90	22-Feb-06/11:14 AM
Thanks. That help. I was trying to stick to the true Vilanelle in that I assumed I needed 10 syllables, rather to match "my mind idles in creeping death of gray." I'm trying to teach myself other forms of writing aside from my spoken word rants. Poetry should flow on paper as well as out of the mouth. The theatre in me assumes that everyone can hear things the way I write them. I do much prefer it without "it" and will change this. Keep commenting on my work plese.
Re: Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac	drnick 141.218.35.109	22-Feb-06/10:52 AM
To be honest, I didn't really get this until I read your responce to ALChemy. Though, to be fair, this is a very "artsy" poem and thus should be difficult to get right away. Anyways, I love it now...especially the last line. Well done.
Re: a comment on Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	22-Feb-06/7:19 AM
Most art movements have their literary counterpart. I got the part where the reader doesn't know the context and to truly put them in your state of mind is futile which is exactly why you should write for yourself first and foremost. Poems and paintings are just elaborate calling cards. Davinci seems to have known that. Yet I still think there is a mystic quality to art that can't be defined except maybe through art.
Re: Winter Wonderland by raven_the_poet	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.15	22-Feb-06/5:51 AM
Light verse, such as this, is traditionally strong on rhyme and rhythm, which is what makes them stay in your head, while this has some rhyme it appears to have no rhythm at all which makes it less than it could be.