Re: A Sleepless Night by EJHW	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jun-06/3:26 PM
nice sentiment. not sure the world is all at peace if the wind is rustling and you are sleepless... but it is a minor point. a couple of (mostly rhythmic) refinements: S2L4 needs -> need. S4L2 "somewhere yet undiscovered". as written, the "still not" stumbled the rhythm. S2L1 one too many syllables, mucks up the rhythm. lose "vast" maybe. S2L4 reverse not & yet. somehow, my mouth wants to pronounce the "y" after "peace" moreso than the "n". the strongest two stanzas are the last two. i do like the rhyme of "discovered" and "beloved" nice; a bit of tweaking will help.
Re: a comment on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jun-06/3:05 PM
revised. good suggestion, irregardless of bad spirits.
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jun-06/2:58 PM
the it is the reference to "viole", then? i looked it up and it referenced Chaucer, with a definition of a "vial": n. A vial. [Obs.] --Chaucer. This puzzled me before, so I guess that is the last bit. perhaps you had been drinking as you played, the vial empty, and therefore the music was great in your buzzed state? at the end of Friday of a harrowing week, I am afraid my brain is now mush... besides, i don't even pretend to speak/read/understand French. did i get the part about the blazing lune correct in my first post?
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:36 AM
Wow, that was a lengthy read. I like the fundamental setup of the piece but you lose the rhythm in places and it needs to be solid throughout, because if it does, the swift flow of it will make the poem feel less epic to the reader. Stanza 1 was the best; you stuck close to the way in which an old man would tell his tales there. In stanzas 2 and 3 it gets quite abstract - talking about feelings, beliefs etc. - whereas someone talking about their life would be more likely to use events to convey emotions. There are some lines/passages in here which are very forced; these really ought to be worked out - if you're telling a tale, keep the sentence structure pretty much identical to how it would be if you were writing this as a chunk of prose. I'll let somebody else take over here...
Re: When You Wish by Enkidu	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:29 AM
Catchy, although the flow could be worked on in a few places - for example the first line's pretty abrupt. Maybe make it: 'I watched a star that/wasn't really shooting...' Nice rhymes though and the end has a decent ambiguity to it; the contrast between not believing something and still having that glimmer of hope that the mysteries you believed in as a child might just be true. Or something like that.
Re: Heil Pope by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:23 AM
I get the point of this, but I feel it would be stronger if it was less direct. 'Heil Father' would make for a catchier title, and 'heil' is an awkward word to use in a haiku because the way it's pronounced is borderline 1-2 syllables ('hai-yull').
Re: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by oneglove	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:17 AM
This is strong although the rhythm is interrupted in line 8 and the final two lines. Perhaps: 'He still loves them' 'From dark November/The light of spring'
Re: a comment on FM.PM by oneglove	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:14 AM
I remember reading the original draft of this, though I don't recall all the specifics of it. I like this edit.
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Jun-06/11:10 AM
Stanza 4 - a spot of francophony to give a subtle reminder how thin the line is between musical beauty and ugliness...does that give any clues?
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jun-06/9:25 AM
the last hidden part, it must be in S5, right? maybe you were playing at the eve of a stormy night? i cannot find anything else in there.... otherwise, it must be the girl remembered, smiling in spain in June... glad i got it somewhat right. this is a great work.
Re: a comment on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/9:24 AM
its like a gay beach - too many but-ts. Just needs a trim, my creative spirits aint good today.
Re: a comment on I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by oneglove	oneglove 67.96.13.105	2-Jun-06/9:22 AM
actually i didnt know linda anderson sang it, it's been covered by others though. this is about the slaying of 6 priests, their maid and her daughter by the government in el salvador in 1989. there is now a rose garden planted in the field where they were lined up and killed. the contrast between the red rose petals and blood stained lawn really struck me.
Re: Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jun-06/9:19 AM
still bothered by the sixteen smiles. perhaps sixteens sighs of relief, or sixteen easier souls, or something. the half closed eyes that you suiggested would convey either boredom or sleepiness... the title still does not work for me; i feel as Dovina mentioned. still, the rewrite helped a bit. <8>
Re: a comment on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jun-06/8:37 AM
thanks, Cadacus. could you elucidate further? i would like to polish this because it feels a little rough to me, but i cannot put my finger on exactly what it is...
Re: trained by calliope	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/6:26 AM
solid.
Re: Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/6:25 AM
Opening 2 lines of S3 are the thorn in this, other than that it holds together in a frayed kinda way.
Re: Non-Partisan by MacFrantic	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/6:23 AM
i feel like this sometimes, line 2 is good but it seems to be in fash every year.
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 86.141.200.125	2-Jun-06/6:18 AM
Few problems in this one are it's too self pitying which shrouds any chance of empathy. Death's face could be elaborated on, its the one bit that interested me. Needs to be shorter and more impacting.
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/6:03 AM
P.S. I think this could go as lyrics
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/6:02 AM
Which President do you want to be.... George Bush? Think again buddy, you might really be inviting a 'kick me kick me'. Other than that,... I like it.