Re: Farm animals by INTRANSIT	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/5:57 AM
Huh?
Re: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by oneglove	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/5:54 AM
I bet you know this one... "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden along with the sunshine you're gonna need a little rain sometime." (Song--Rose Garden by Linda Anderson, or so)
Re: FM.PM by oneglove	amanda_dcosta 202.164.142.153	2-Jun-06/5:48 AM
Not too bad. It's pretty simple and I think goes along common time. I tried putting a tune to it and must say that it passes for a song though, if following precise rhythms, it doesn't fit in. I think I could give you a -7- safetly.
Re: a comment on plugs by 7!3	7!3 218.208.215.90	2-Jun-06/3:53 AM
argh, right... that is a song.. should've shown it. sorry :) ...but glad you like it, anyway.
Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger	some deleted user 64.140.228.26	2-Jun-06/3:52 AM
Great work as usual.
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	some deleted user 64.140.228.26	2-Jun-06/3:48 AM
I am in full agreement with Imp. Anything that takes a shot at Dubya works for me. good job.
Re: a comment on FM.PM by oneglove	oneglove 67.96.13.105	1-Jun-06/11:29 PM
so i changed the first two stanzas, which meant i took out the first stanza you seemed to like and removed the you're beautifuls you didnt. the main reason for changing it was my extreme dislike for the feel of the first two verses. see what you think.
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/4:16 PM
Dude You have just made me the happiest poet in all Christendom! That is so close to being the perfect reading of this; it was written about my guitar (stomach of the guitar rising as I breathe, and it was the guitar singing just as much as the girl) but quite honestly I couldn't have asked for a closer interpretation. I'm afraid the Hemingway reference wasn't something I was aware of: I generally play in the evening (as should most music!) as the sun's setting and my lamp has a red shade, which just seems appropriate somehow. You're spot on with flamenco (although I suck at it, I'm learning though), and white scars are indeed frets and the nylon strings. "Latin heritage" = "Herencia Latina", I do believe; 'tis also the name of a flamenco piece. There's one more thing hidden in there as well, I wonder if anyone will pick up on it... You got the important stuff though, and for that I thank you!
Re: Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/3:39 PM
oops.... saw a mistake in the last line: i left out the word "little". i guess i will edit and lose the vote. feel free to re-vote, Ranger! heh
Re: a comment on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/3:38 PM
as you may or may not know, this is a song, and i guess it kinda bluesy, but it really is faster paced. on an album entitled "Murder Ballads". yeah, that "flow" line was tough, because the following line starts with "Like" and ends with "yellow". as you said, tough to rhyme with yellow, but i found the real challeng was to make something out of th phrase from the original quatrain. i guess the way i saw it was that you could replace "Like" with "As if" to get a sarcastic meaning and the two lines sort of work together. so: just take it all in stride as if you aren't pretty and getting all sorts of unwanted attention. i will have to check out "Sniper". thanks for the comment, glad you liked.
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/3:29 PM
"for you voted for my second term." did we now? he lost the popular vote, i thought. so really, the electoral college got him his second term. like the satire. and the repeated line in () reminds me of a song on a german tecno album: http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/pid/1389536/a/Das+Boot.htm if you can get hold of it, the song is track 6 "I Wanna Be A Kennedy". take a listen... love anything that takes a shot at Dubya. just work a bit on the rhythm; it reads a little choppy to me.
Re: Whispers to Isabelle by Caducus	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/3:21 PM
please pardon me, but isn't the ottoman an exceptional place for lovemaking? mm! seriously, this is one of those owrks that really hits home with its simplicity, or rather its spartan nature. by using a few choice workds, you convey the sorrow wonderfully. it is interesting that you remember her both happy at you and unhappy with you - and then in ecstasy with you (make up sex?) - in that order. my only suggestion for this is to use a different verb for the last line in S3; you already used "screaming" for the angry image, so maybe a different one for the ecstatic one... otherwise, top notch... and my condolences.
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/3:05 PM
aha! looked up "parole" to see any other meanings, and LO! : "[Linguistics]. The act of speaking; a particular utterance or word." so her stomach rises as she takes a breath to sing, and that makes sense. now looking back, were you playing the guitar for her maybe? that would be her heritage (latin music) beneath your fingertips, as they cajole soft murmurings from the instrument. yes that must be it.... your sliding touch on the "slender (guitar) neck so toned", the white scars are the fretmarks, the body of the guitar trembling on your hips (seated player, typical for flamenco). so you accompanied her song on guitar on the last day of a vacation.... and you didnt want it to end. who would? also, perhaps a Hemingway allusion with the setting sun in Spain? "The Sun Also Rises"? i know, i know, i am reaching with that one....
Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	1-Jun-06/2:54 PM
i think maybe this is about a girl you met once that may have been a bit too much your junior (hence the parole whispering). the red light i took to be the setting sun, and the lune (a cresent shape) is made from the curve of the horizon against the arc of the sun. what you cannot control is the passing of the day (marked by the setting sun) and maybe you had to say goodbye at that point... i am guessing that her heritage upon your fingertips may represent some heavy petting going on... or maybe you two were just dancing a sultry flamenco (or other latin dance): "strong lines beneath my sliding touch" we also know that there is some singing going on (latin again), not only by S6L1, but also from the reference to silence broken by staves and the curving cries - ululations - that i would relate specifically to flamenco. now, this is lovely. very colorful, and a hint of bittersweet current beneath the memory of a remarkable experience. the mystery to me is the mention of "white scars hewn"...
Re: a comment on Painkillers for Fun by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/2:38 PM
No worries, I love your poetry and it makes me think which gains it bonus points. And to be honest, if this is a sloppy first draft, well it puts my drafts to shame. As for the 'dog' bit, well I'm about to be in out of my depth, but I'll try to make some sense with my limited knowledge. My lit. theory lecturer is pretty much a disciple of William Empson, so the influence has filtered down, and now I have some free time I can actually give his works a proper read. He pretty much revolutionised the way in which Paradise Lost is interpreted, and did the same for quite a lot of other poems. As for 'dog', that is down to words being 'pregnant' with meanings. So in this instance, 'dog' would have been a term of abuse in Shakespearean times, but recently the attitudes towards it have shifted, and it's even become a term of endearment ('you sly dog' etc.). The same goes for our attitudes towards the actual creatures - they range from being the gutter strays to being man's best friend. I just found it interesting how in this you say that the dogs 'once harassed', but give the impression that it's not so bad any more...and then you say that you 'love everything' not long afterwards. In similar fashion, you seem to hate life in general at the start, but then the dislike fades as you love everything and marvel at the trees, not to mention the opulence. When I've actually properly read some of Empson's work I might be able to give a better account. As for using 'white' the way you do, I've been thinking about it and although I'd still like to see it edited, I wonder if it might lose its force a little. I don't know, we'll have to find out that one. And I'm sure people would tell you if you lost your bikini top, although I suppose it depends how you look without it, really :-p I'll return to this one to see what else I can find in it; I always enjoy the challenges your writing sets!
Re: a comment on Seizures by Sunny	Sunny 65.118.48.2	1-Jun-06/2:24 PM
Ranger, I do admire your mind & the interpretation that flow out of it as well...I am a laid back individual & write flexibly enough for the wondering mind, for readers that posess such. But, no, I was speaking of my actual own life & I'm not dead yet & am only 23, although you were very right in seeing into the way this makes me feel sometimes - old, tired; I want the reader to feel, at least see that I have not made peace as an elderly person might with the side affects of their age, but rather describe it with a grey soberness, a mood that an intune reader will pick up from this poem, leading them to believe I speak of the subject as unexpected, something that isn't welcome, but still apart of me. ~Sunny
Re: Still Air Sticks by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/2:15 PM
I see nothing grammatically wrong with this. Morrows are also merely 'mornings', with a little interpretation that line makes perfect sense to me, although it is admittedly a fairly archaic usage of the word. What I love about your poetry (among other things) is that I just keep getting drawn back...whenever I think I've cracked something, I see something else which could lead to another route of interpretation. I don't often find that balance in poetry. Not only that, but I always find myself learning new vocabulary and advanced lexicon without the poem feeling at all stilted. I like having to do a bit of research when I'm reading poems, and you leave enough clues within the lines to point me in the right direction. As for this particular poem, well I have a few ideas brewing about it to which I will return tomorrow. For now I'll just say that if my inclination is right, and I figure this one out without too much assistance, this is probably your best so far. I wouldn't normally vote this early in a reading, but to nullify the trolling damage here's a 9. I'll be back to this one though, rest assured.
Re: Painkillers for Fun by Sunny	Sunny 65.118.48.2	1-Jun-06/2:06 PM
Ranger, Honored at the score...once again, despite all the sloppy imperfections of original versions. Thanks for choosing to comment on a few of my poems out of the many out there that are actually good, some of the time-I never said that :0 In reference back to your persistantly knowledgable comments: -I'll move blinked (which is definitely a verb in this line's context), to the line above, for a 'smoother ride'-you're right Ranger -The whole dog usage...honestly...what? Please explain what you are referring to; I'm totally lost on that one -I did get carried away like a mad woman on my white kick, thanks for pointing that out...I mean, I would hope people would tell me if I my bikini top slid off in the water & I had no clue...ya know?? Thanks for everything :) ~Sunny
Re: razorblade kisses by wordpainter	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/1:57 PM
Okay, let's see what can be said about this one. I'd recommend not writing about suicide or self-harm in poetry for the most part; if you have a look through the archives here you will find thousands of poems all running along the same lines as this. That's not to say that you shouldn't write about it if it's something you want to write about, but you have to bear in mind that the audience (i.e. other poemranker users) will have seen more 'pain' poetry than we'd like to remember so if you want it to be read, it has to be seriously memorable. Be inventive, be unique, be as original as you can. Read, say, thirty suicide poems on here, note every recurring phrase or image, and never use them in anything you write. The best way to be creative is by devising new metaphors. Often a poem which is written with a gentle surface but creepier undertones is far more hard-hitting than a poem which just says 'I cut myself'. The ultimate achievement is to write a piece which seems all happy and joyful, but leaves the reader with a nagging doubt until they finally realise that it's about bestial necrophilia. Or something like that. Next point - the eternal rule is 'show, don't tell'. If you show me a scene with enough clues for me to interpret it, I will be far more interested than if you tell me there's a dead body in a river. Last point for now (I'll come back to this if you want) - don't write about abstract emotions and concepts too much. Use strong, powerful images (and other poetic devices) and these will automatically carry the force of whatever feelings you're trying to convey. Well that's it for now, good luck with your writing. I'd advise giving a few comments and votes to people, otherwise you may find yourself lacking - particularly at the moment; hardly anyone's saying anything at the moment. Peace
Re: Farm animals by INTRANSIT	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-Jun-06/1:40 PM
Just a hint of pride there? Good work, my friend - best of luck as well.