Re: a comment on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	Ranger 86.142.241.140	22-Sep-06/3:37 PM
You're right, there are too many 'its' in here - I hadn't thought of that when writing. 'Diamante lens-drear' = sky, 'clicking' of the first drops of rain, maybe clicking like a door makes it seem like there's only one - again, I didn't see that before. Solar flowers/slaves/chain-gang = sunflowers. There's billions of the buggers down where this is set - so ordered, sullen even. The heavy orb is the face of a dying sunflower (they are enormous) - I wasn't sure of that passage though; again, I think it's the number (one sunflower, many insects). Will try to rectify that when I edit. Never heard 'leapin' lizards' - is it just an exclamation? Americanisms can be super-funky although a few are confusing (like 'douchebag' - what's with that one?). Glad you like the metre, as always, thanks for the suggestions :-)
Re: a comment on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	Ranger 86.142.241.140	22-Sep-06/3:24 PM
Heh, you know I appreciate your lengthy comments - they show you've spent time reading my poems, which in turn inflates my already-oversized ego ;-) My geography sucks big time (I barely even know where I am half the time) and I've never been to America, so I'm clueless. The only body of water I know anything about is Lake Superior, and that's only from hearing about it on an old Gordon Lightfoot song. You know the one - 'The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald'. The father of a friend of mine has a canoe/kayak-making business, actually - we have a nicely scenic canal a few minutes from where I am which is pretty popular with the waterbabies, and also cyclists. I went along there the other day, actually, aiming to make 20 miles in a couple of hours but was thwarted by the Dark Lord of Burstyre about 6 miles from home. So, stranded in the middle of nowhere, I decided to act in the spirit of all great and epic quests, and struck out for the nearest pub. And, of course, good luck! Do let me know how you get on (is this a major competition?) I expect to hear the clink of a fresh gold medallion ringing in your next poem ;-)
Re: a comment on You by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 86.142.241.140	22-Sep-06/3:11 PM
I love comments. But only intelligent comments. Which that was not. -bow'ls-
Re: a comment on Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	Ranger 86.142.241.140	22-Sep-06/3:10 PM
What on earth makes you think anyone gives a shit?
Re: a comment on I Have, Because I Am by flock	Ranger 86.142.241.140	22-Sep-06/3:08 PM
Well you've got to draw a line between actual criticism and sheer rudeness. For sure "this poem is shit" really isn't any good to man nor beast, but I always get confused when I leave a critique and get accused of rudeness (it doesn't happen often, but once in a blue moon someone does). I've never, as far as I can remember, ever said anything outright offensive. But even so, coming up against a really rude and arrogant critic can give a more effective motivational push than anything else. It worked for me - I joined this site years ago and had many an argument with a chap called poetandknowit (whose 'critiques' revolved around laughing at me and anything I said, with a certain degree of justification; I wrote some real crap back then - as opposed to mild crap now) which ultimately resulted in me leaving until I could come up with something good enough to shut him up. Maybe I'm just excessively competitive, but that sort of barracking gave a real humility blow; something many 16 year-olds need (I certainly did). There isn't a set way to write 'a poem'. If you choose a particular form, it's usually best to stick to it otherwise you'll get smartarses like myself going 'ooh, that's not a sonnet!' ;-) The key is to figure out what you want to say, and then how to say it in a way which is interesting. A good poem, in my view, will be so easy to read aloud that it almost seems as though the words were meant to be said with each other. That's where structure and metre comes into play - and yes, it does take a bit of practise and understanding to get underway, but hey, we're on a public forum; we're all amateurs otherwise we'd be getting published in '101 Of The Nation's Favourite Poems'. If you consider what you write to be poetry, it's poetry. If I don't think it's poetry, I'll call it something else. I have plenty of respect for people who write devotional poetry (like you seem to do) if they can get it write - religious 'praise' poems are difficult to do without making the nonbeliever or the sort-of-believer (like myself) wince. Keep writing :-)
Re: weather poem part 10: reprise by nypoet22	dvincent 71.109.114.41	22-Sep-06/2:35 PM
Very nice. Your poetry has a wonderful "feel" and flow. Lyrical and fresh.
Re: a comment on Singing by ThereseWaneck	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	22-Sep-06/1:39 PM
on second look, "a sweet sad song" does sound a bit out of place.
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	22-Sep-06/1:18 PM
Okay--back again. I do like this one a lot! Your meter works great, and the imagery is strong enough that the meter is almost an afterthought for the reader (which I always think is a sign that a poem is working--the "strings" are invisible and you forget the puppets aren't really people, so to speak. Yeats and Seamus Heaney are great examples of that kind of mastery--I've been so blown away by their language, at times, that only later did I realize that the form is a rhyming sonnet or whatever). I only stumbled a few places reading this: Are climes steep? I'd lose the parens here: "(and sloping glades of grain)" Maybe recast it so your sloping glades are steep or something. "which turned from diamanté lens to drear in clicking like an oaken farmhouse door." [not sure I get this--what turned? and what's "clicking" modifying?] "-It was no stream of sun – but skewing cloud" [replace weak phrases like "it was" with stronger constructs like "we lost the stream of sun, found skewing [?] cloud]--my replacement word choices are just illustrative; I'm not crazy about them either, but the point is that if you take passive, flaccid phrases like "it was" and make them more active and dynamic, it usually adds to the strength & vibrancy of the poem overall. And no-one seemed to know quite how it came to be so dark, or why it stayed so long [again, two "its" seems a lot and it's such an imprecise, nonreflective word here--I'd either recast this somehow or shorten the line and not worry too much about the syllable count] "The landscape threatened violence that day- as solar flowers threw their manes around [stronger, more threatening word than "threw" maybe? or maybe it's "flowers" that, er, throws me--I think the threat needs to be more implicitly reflected in this line; flowers just aren't threatening (unless they're creepy plant-things like bladderwort or Venus Flytrap.) ] with total disregard; the screaming slaves [what are these? workers?] in chain-gang rows. I told you it had left a ribbon track- [nice--sort of made me think of cut to ribbons, because of the earlier mention of glass in heaps] the scent of water in an earthen pitch, and lizards leaping like a joyful king. [I like the lizard/king analogy (and, no, nothing to do with Mr. Morrison)--I've had the Roethke poem, To a Young Wife, in which he begins "My lizard, my lively writher" in my head for days, so I loved that you had a lizard here. I think "leaping" might be something else though--it's too remniscent of "leapin' lizards!" (maybe that's an American expression) But still you watched the crackling, heavy orb, like insects passed too soon for storm or grace [what's like insects?] an eye cast downwards – fractured morning ice of hurricane and tempest’s broken tide. Very cool. So many good lines and strong images in this! Good poem.
Re: a comment on Fun At The Gynaecologists by Edna Sweetlove	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.251.213	22-Sep-06/8:31 AM
Be careful he doesn't put his sharp prick into your mouth.
Re: You by amanda_dcosta	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.251.213	22-Sep-06/8:29 AM
I meant "only", not "onky". But still 0/10.
Re: You by amanda_dcosta	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.251.213	22-Sep-06/8:29 AM
I love doggerel. But onky talented doggerel. Which this is not.
Re: Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.251.213	22-Sep-06/8:27 AM
I think I read this before and said it was bollocks. It still is.
Re: a comment on I Have, Because I Am by flock	nightowl 198.54.202.226	22-Sep-06/7:59 AM
*I might be wrong about this whole thing then. ')
Re: a comment on I Have, Because I Am by flock	nightowl 198.54.202.210	22-Sep-06/7:53 AM
True that. What authority then do we have to criticise the poet's work? Who am I to destroy his writings and his dreams? That kinda is what that other quote I put at the end means to me. Criticism is usely harsh and alot of the times very rude and injurious. It all comes down to the way you say something. If you feel you have to criticise someone then do it in a good way, a positive way. Why make somene else feel bad? "It's about the poet's perspective? That's debatable." Yup it seems to be. hehe. Is it not the poet who wrote the story? Who else's perspective would it be then? The only time it might be different is if the poet is out to make poeple like his work through following a set formula that works and then you just fill in the words. And Im not say that's easy to do, if that's how it's done. "But this is a poem - and therefore it needs to be presented in an effective way." Continuing on the previous statement, maybe I'm not knowledgable enough in the art of poetry but when I write something, its something that's on my mind and I write it. Alot of the time it comes out in rhythmical form but that's just the way I write. Is there a set way to write a poem? Maybe then I shouldn't call my writings poetry. I might be wrong about this whole then. Hey, ur no sod, just someone with a different opinion to me and I also dig hearing other people's views. Isn't that an awesome facet of life? I believe (this might also cause another branch of discussion) that when we are no longer in this world, dead that is, things are alot different and there is much more congruity. ') Have a awesome weekend and thanks to Flock for allowing us to use his space to entertain ourselves. We are therefore we can. ') x
Re: a comment on Soup Can by oneglove	oneglove 24.216.70.145	22-Sep-06/6:35 AM
bruce almighty what a garbage movie. the title is in reference to the play between beauty and plain. when warhol painted a soup can and it became art it changed the perspectives of something beautiful. just as in his personal life he strove to find acceptance about his physical attributes until he finally realized he was different and embraced it.
Re: a comment on Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	Ranger 86.142.240.156	22-Sep-06/3:25 AM
Best rhyme - "used it/Tuesday"
Re: Field Of Surnames by Caducus	Ranger 86.142.240.156	22-Sep-06/3:18 AM
A lot of this has a strong rhythm of ONE-two-three-FOUR, very musical and very easy to read. Where it deviates, it gets more difficult.
Re: Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	Ranger 86.142.240.156	22-Sep-06/3:12 AM
I bearded the Lord with a cross Like a goatee, but wooden; it cost Very little to build And the Jews were all thrilled With our saviour's most stylish new moss
Re: a comment on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	Ranger 86.142.240.156	22-Sep-06/3:05 AM
Iambic pentameter, just for you ;-) Kayak race? You mean there's water in New York (that's where you are, right)? I thought it was made up entirely of banks, jewellers, shipyards, abandoned warehouses and small police stations. Damn Hollywood and its misleading ways!
Re: a comment on if really its me by Landon2	pete 195.92.168.168	21-Sep-06/5:31 PM
sorry, that score should read a 6