Re: Shadows In Your Eyes by PoeticJustice	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.243.148	23-Sep-06/7:13 PM
dreary doggerel.
Re: a fresh start by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.243.148	23-Sep-06/7:12 PM
boring and illiterate
Re: Attention, This Just In by thepinkbunnyofdoom	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.243.148	23-Sep-06/7:12 PM
with out NO without YES illiterate.
Re: Normality by colbaby	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.243.148	23-Sep-06/7:10 PM
Weird spelling and not much talent.
Re: The Dovina Memorial Bike Lane by Dovina	Edna Sweetlove 85.210.243.148	23-Sep-06/7:09 PM
Drivel. Total drivel. Dedicated April 1, 20xx by the repentant Carpinteria City Council What in Christ's name does that mean?
Re: Weather poem part 6: idols by nypoet22	Dovina 70.38.78.229	23-Sep-06/1:30 PM
I like this, but I think the three verses beginning with "poor artist" are overwrought. They say that an artist cannot one-up on nature, an often-said idea that's good, but can be shortened.
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	23-Sep-06/1:19 PM
You know, Ranger, I always enjoy reading your poems for the language and clever phrases, but I'll be damned if I can pull many of them together and come up with some unifying picture of the poem as a whole. The meter is good here, and these are a unique ways of saying things, and maybe it's my own inadequacy as a reader, but can you come through with more clarity on the overall theme, if there is one?
Re: a comment on Soup Can by oneglove	Dovina 70.38.78.229	23-Sep-06/1:15 PM
Okay, if that's what you want to say, why not say it in the first person, and give up on the universal "you." And the last line is weak; it needs to drive home, not talk about it.
Re: Shadows In Your Eyes by PoeticJustice	Dovina 70.38.78.229	23-Sep-06/1:09 PM
Well, I can see from this how you feel, and that's a good thing. A lot of poets these days put a lid on their feelings, and all we get from them is language. What we want from you, however, is language. The other comments have said it; we want to read your clever turn of phrase and all that stuff. Just don't give up the other.
Re: a fresh start by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.	Dovina 70.38.78.229	23-Sep-06/1:02 PM
Even if it has all been said many times, the impact of it must be like that great change of address we've read so much about, but none of us can describe from experience.
Re: a comment on Shadows In Your Eyes by PoeticJustice	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	23-Sep-06/9:29 AM
agreed. this also needs something solid. too much telling about the feelings, not enough showing through actual acts and images.
Re: a fresh start by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.	nypoet22 65.10.92.48	23-Sep-06/9:26 AM
instead of just telling people about the feelings, it might be helpful to try to show through concrete images how those feelings manifest themselves. right now the words are so completely vague i can't find anything to latch onto.
Re: a comment on Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	Ranger 86.131.48.11	23-Sep-06/4:16 AM
My Christ-beard caught AIDS! (from the cough Of a Russian called Pietrokov) So he got a disease By the name 'Leprosy' And the AIDS-ridden bits all fell off
Re: a comment on Mid-July by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.48.199	23-Sep-06/2:34 AM
You know, it's taken me a long time but I think you're right about the longer lines - thank you :-D
Re: Shadows In Your Eyes by PoeticJustice	Ranger 86.131.48.199	23-Sep-06/2:31 AM
It needs, well, structure. The rhythm's all over the place, which makes it difficult to read. A bit more invention with the rhymes wouldn't go amiss either - remember that rhyme is a rhythmic device and shouldn't be the primary concern. If you can't find a direct rhyme to fit the metre, rhyme loosely, no-one will be too concerned by it.
Re: a comment on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.48.199	23-Sep-06/2:22 AM
Fair enough - perhaps if I changed it to '...total disregard; those screaming slaves...'?
Re: Attention, This Just In by thepinkbunnyofdoom	Ranger 86.131.48.199	23-Sep-06/2:20 AM
You rap student, you.
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	half.italian 70.36.242.152	22-Sep-06/8:32 PM
I like some of the imagery..."solar flowers" "a million beating fists" "screaming slaves in chain gang rows", but they just don't string together that well for me.
Re: Soup Can by oneglove	half.italian 70.36.242.152	22-Sep-06/8:25 PM
I like a bit more complexity.
Re: we by joey	some deleted user 203.91.86.6	22-Sep-06/7:09 PM
//we always lie// //we never cheat// ?