Re: if really its me by Landon2	pete 195.92.168.168	21-Sep-06/5:30 PM
know the feeling :)! ... reads like it should be spoken over beats. If not, i'd introduce more rests and split some lines into 2 or 3 .....
Re: Soup Can by oneglove	pete 195.92.168.168	21-Sep-06/5:17 PM
my sense of perspective and viewpoint got scrambled between verses 3 and 4; chilling finale and knockout opening... not conviced by self-rhyme of along, though...v3 seems a little clumsy
Re: Weather poem part 6: idols by nypoet22	pete 195.92.168.168	21-Sep-06/4:58 PM
..... and the best part by far so far imho
Re: Normality by colbaby	colbaby 203.166.96.239	21-Sep-06/4:53 PM
Bullseye. That line two has bugged me for ages. I love it nonetheless even though the rhythem stinks. I'll see what I can do. Such perception. I do skim sometimes and miss the point entirely. Case in point the recent Spider one. I thought it was about boobs and babies!
Re: In the hollow (rough) by ecargo	elderking 172.194.201.130	21-Sep-06/3:30 PM
gramma's house for summer vacation...your words took me there. I was 10 again for just a moment. Very good.
Re: a comment on don't touch me 2 by elderking	elderking 172.194.201.130	21-Sep-06/3:17 PM
Thank you ecargo. and you too are correct: the syntax isn't clear. I need to slow down and remember the basics I think. Thanks again.
Re: a comment on don't touch me 2 by elderking	elderking 172.194.201.130	21-Sep-06/3:11 PM
you're right I think "deeper pockets" may have flowed better. Thank you.
Re: a comment on don't touch me 2 by elderking	elderking 172.194.201.130	21-Sep-06/3:10 PM
pete-she had enjoyed touching him and did so in an almost unconcious manner. he on the other hand thought each touch held a hidden agenda; he told her to stop touching him so much...so she did. one of my biggest problems writing is dropping the reader into the middle of the unknown assuming clarity when often there is none. Thanks for you thoughts, Pete
Re: a comment on don't touch me 2 by elderking	elderking 172.194.201.130	21-Sep-06/2:58 PM
You're right about all..I'm still in too much of a hurry to finish and not fleshing the piece out. Thanks for the input, Dovina.
Re: Butterfly Belly, Orchid Face by Sunny	dvincent 71.109.114.41	21-Sep-06/2:55 PM
Hello Sunny. You have real telent and strong sense of imagey and lyrical writing. Keep at it!
Re: a comment on The Secret by ecargo	Ranger 86.142.241.113	21-Sep-06/2:34 PM
Legendary - enjoy the kayaking! --Tell Zz that I have to use 'Zzinia' for the Tales; I'm struggling to find acceptable rhymes for '<~>'
Re: a comment on The Secret by ecargo	Ranger 86.142.241.113	21-Sep-06/2:24 PM
Heh, classic Carroll. You know, I've got an ancient calendar kicking around somewhere which has a bunch of illustrations from various fantasy stories/poems - The Walrus and the Carpenter among them. The Tales are going to be epic, if ever I have the willpower to keep writing them. There's going to have to be a list of all the characters so I don't forget them; Dark Angel, horus8, god'swife, zzinnia (do you ever see her anymore?), p&k etc. etc. etc., nentwined and rockmage obviously and, to cap it all....... ...SETTLE
Re: Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	21-Sep-06/2:22 PM
"solar flowers threw their manes around/with total disregard"--nice, especially the play on flowers/flares (in my mind anyway!). Didn't have time to do more than skim this (have a kayak race to train for and scant hours of sunlight left) but will def come back to it tomorrow.
Re: a comment on In the hollow (rough) by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	21-Sep-06/2:20 PM
Thanks--it does need some cutting in places I think. I usually let rhymes fall where they will, unless I'm writing to a strict form (and even then I usually prefer slant/near rhymes)--it's fresher, less, stilted, to do so, I think.
Re: a comment on In the hollow (rough) by ecargo	Ranger 86.142.241.113	21-Sep-06/2:13 PM
Rhymes would sit well with this; go zodiac-style and throw them throughout just to keep it flowing. I worry that if you just went for end-rhymes it would take attention away from the rest of the piece which would be a shame, as it's lovely.
Re: a comment on The Secret by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	21-Sep-06/2:12 PM
Hmmm . . . weep like the Walrus weeps, you mean? http://www.jabberwocky.com/carroll/walrus.html Ah, those dashing prawnes prawnatroopers of the last Great War, with their jellyfish parachutes and swordfish bayonets. Poemranker Tales (maybe it should be Follies?). ;-D I always did (mostly) like the self-referential stuff, when it was done well. Be interesting to see what you come up with!
Re: a comment on In the hollow (rough) by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	21-Sep-06/2:07 PM
Also good points (as usual)--I broke the lines pretty indiscriminately. I think it wants to rhyme (or maybe I want rhymes--I'm never sure if I'm driving or along for the ride). Thanks!
Re: a comment on In the hollow (rough) by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	21-Sep-06/1:57 PM
Good crits--thanks very much for the comment and the read. Hoping to polish this a little at some point.
Re: a comment on Soup Can by oneglove	Ranger 86.142.241.113	21-Sep-06/1:56 PM
You know, I misinterpreted the title at first. I thought it was going to lead on to something - like "Soup can...be used as a temporary alternative to paint", or "soup can...be consumed cold, but it's not usually advisable", or even "soup can...be cloven a'twain with Bruce Almighty-style powers". Nifty stuff, soup.
Re: Soup Can by oneglove	ecargo 167.219.88.140	21-Sep-06/1:51 PM
Was it earth all along? ;-D Sorry--just saw Planet of the Apes (the original, not the Marky Mark version) again. There's sort of an odd melancholy to this that works, though some of the lines fall a little flat. Why "Soup Can"?