Re: George Bush, Jesus Christ, and the good ole US of A! by dougsoderstrom	Joi 207.119.185.14	4-Sep-07/4:41 PM
You've got that right! My son is also 25 and has been to Iraq twice and they want him to go a third? What is up with all that? I liked your poem.
Re: the stranger by Prince of Void	richa 82.2.211.159	4-Sep-07/3:26 PM
Sounds like a stalker to me. I read an article in the Grauniad today, a woman boasting about how a chap tried to talk to her in the supermarket and how she caused a scene by shouting loudly that his attention was unwanted and that he was sexually harrassing her. I think she went a bit over the top but still having involved intrapsychic conversations about a stranger is a bit James Blunt.
Re: Little Talons by richa	Ranger 86.140.66.215	3-Sep-07/6:56 AM
Nice idea, but it really needs to either be fully punctuated, or not punctuated at all (and let the word and line arrangement do the work). As it is, we have: Little talons that I feel perch on my shoulder when I look on the apple and the hair and I listen to the cough and the chatter. Little talons that I feel even in the absence of such things I could not imagine you not perched on my shoulder you could be mere apparition and still I could not get rid of you, I could only lose you. Little talons.
Re: In the Night by Joi	richa 82.2.211.159	2-Sep-07/3:10 PM
This needs paring down. You need to make every phrase count. If you do it skillfully repetition can work as a kind of motif but there seems no point to repeating 'as the darkness surrounds me' which is a pretty bland line the first time round. Quietness of the night, silence of the night, calmness of the storm, in the stillness of the night. This is too long winded you are pretty much repeating the same thing over and over. And be creative with the language tell us something we don't know. Use metaphor or interesting image. Be more descriptive and precise, phrases such as the sound of pain the sound of joy are too vague. Again last verse, if the sounds of love (again too vague) are holding you hostage there is no need to say they are enclosing you. Just take a hatchet to all the lines that do not add to our understanding.
Re: from Me to you by Alex Green	MacFrantic 129.82.30.193	1-Sep-07/5:47 PM
This is my favorite of your songs. Very good madam, very good.
Re: Confetti by Caducus	INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204	1-Sep-07/5:41 AM
Thanks for your patience, C. I'm glad I waited because originally i thought you'd overshot your target. After coming back I see " a little bit of history repeating". I like this and I think it's all there. My nits would be: unfurled- bugs me, but I see the rhyme. Could you merge lines 7 and 9? And -loom. again I see the rhyme but it just sounds awkward to me. Three generations?
Re: a comment on Confetti by Caducus	INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204	30-Aug-07/3:47 PM
Gimme a minute, we can work this.
Re: Confetti by Caducus	Caducus 80.229.129.138	30-Aug-07/8:23 AM
rough draft about a father changing once he marries someone new, could do with a handhere guys any help appreciated.
Re: Feeling Like A Mask by wilco	Joi 207.119.185.14	29-Aug-07/8:35 PM
Interesting wording
Re: a comment on The Dark Poet by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.34.61	28-Aug-07/3:22 PM
I thought at first to hang the old adage on you: Think negatively, then anything positive that comes along seems like a miracle. But maybe you and the poet of whom I speak are realists instead and give realism to the rest of us optimists as a gift we can really use. Maybe there is more beauty in buried roots than we thought.
Re: a comment on The Dark Poet by Dovina	drnick 24.247.158.152	28-Aug-07/2:59 PM
I'm in the dark because I choose to be. I revel the dark side of human nature, it is far more fascinating to me than the opposite; more complex, mysterious. The light is brighter because you can appreciate it more, it's a contrast to everything around you(i.e. a winning lotto ticket to a homeless man is far more significant/meaningful than it would be to a millionare).
Re: a comment on The Dark Poet by Dovina	drnick 24.247.158.152	28-Aug-07/2:51 PM
Of course, I hate myself. Alright, my last name is Kott...I'm sure you can figure out my first name. I'm in the western michigan university network.
Re: Of Pride and Climate by MacFrantic	Alex Green 164.47.80.122	28-Aug-07/2:36 PM
ah, imagery... beautiful
Re: daddy's little girl by imfine_really7	Ranger 86.153.11.180	28-Aug-07/2:36 PM
In poetic terms it could be improved. In real life terms I do hope it's not from personal experience.
Re: Story of the Flamer by capachijim	Alex Green 164.47.80.122	28-Aug-07/2:35 PM
some people just don't get it, do they?
Re: Do You Rue Barbed Pi? by MacFrantic	Alex Green 164.47.80.122	28-Aug-07/2:35 PM
...aren't we all...
Re: a comment on The Dark Poet by Dovina	Ranger 86.153.11.180	28-Aug-07/2:34 PM
I always chat. If you know the rules of cricket, so much the better.
Re: a comment on The Dark Poet by Dovina	Ranger 86.153.11.180	28-Aug-07/2:33 PM
Your email's set to 'private/not displayed'!
Re: daddy's little girl by imfine_really7	Dovina 12.72.42.250	28-Aug-07/1:41 PM
The second half is better than the first. Tone down the self-pity in the first half.
Re: Show me the way by Joi	Dovina 12.72.42.250	28-Aug-07/1:35 PM
Do you read Gerald Manley Hopkins? He's pretty Christian for a Jesuit. But he elaborates in such detail it becomes finally obstacle, rather than assistance. I think you do the opposite, handing us generalities without much specific life-gouging. I'd rather see you "tossed" than hear you say you are tossed, and see these "free" things the Lord gives you.