dancin_n_da_moonlite
replying on Rain by dancin_n_da_moonlite
15 Jan 2005, 7:54 PM
btw.......i'm a fucking teenager too.........and im sorry if i sounded pissy......im in a bad mood.......i responded to your poem however.....before i even read any of your comments.................youve written alot of poetry............how old r u anyway (and just so you know.........i wrote this like 3 months ago.....i just am sending my stuff........in order......so that......it will all be here.......eventually......)
-mega
p.s.--------hope i didn't come of, as a total bitch -- ya know
I wonder if my last comment influenced you on this descision.
Whatever. Thanks. :)
btw, I'm not trying to say 'LISTEN TO ME OR YOU'LL BE CRAP FOREVER'
I was just... suggesting. :)
Look.
Don't get pissed at me or pity ME because your poem is predictable.
I was just sharing the thought so you might can work on it in the future?
It's rare that I actaully try to help here.
Think of it as a compliment that I share my thoughts.
Don't get pissed and say I can't look at anything deeply.
I'm a fucking teenager. I'm supposed to find everything deeply. And sad. And shit.
wow...okay then.............so the whole idea of looking deeper in to things is obviously lost to you
~pity~
-mega
then again. Now that I actually thought about it.
This style is sort of bad. I mean. Good for like. two stanza's ...and then use something different from then on, after the two stanza's...
Because you can basically PREDICT what Davey's going to say.
And that's just boring as hell.
very interesting......though perhaps.......a little too long................i give it ...........a 6
I would have really liked this more.
If it had more of a point. Maybe.
And if their is. I don't see it.
But I liked the way you wrote it. And what you used to make it so alternative.
So despite its lack in... reason. and. the why'ness.
Your creative bland Davey and Katie make up for it.
It's just so. Weird.
excellent
-mega
dancin_n_da_moonlite
on Some place west of here, or the big blah blah. both apply by horus8
15 Jan 2005, 4:26 PM
uhhhhhhh............its interesintg.........and for that........ill be generous.............6
The first verse is very tender and warm. The first two lines of the second verse give it all away.
I had a different ending to this but I wasn't sure if it dragged on where it could have ended where I have ended it. The original ending made it not so much of a romantic poem and i thought it gave to much away.
From the title, I take it as a pipedream. "in your birth canal grows the concept of my desire" a very sensuous line if spoken in the right time and place,
Like one of Shakespeareâs boring sonnets, too much gush, too little substance. I'd give most of his the same vote.
Why the ....?
The language here is very simple, too simple, tenses sometimes wrong, grammar poor.
I have experienced this many times. Capturing the dream or the last thought before sleep or the waking thought, is difficult. Translation from sleep thinking into wake thinking is hard, but so worthwhile.
recaptire -> capture
period after desires.
Never looked at it that way. I thought baseball was for the base who want to play balls.
ok ummm the back and forth conversating that goes on in peoples comment areas is histarically and idiotically funny, and secondly, awesome expression of how when men are playing a sport and unable 2 fondle unexpecting women, they resort to fondling themselves ***9***
A verbal Degas in his late period. Quite withering.
?