Count Heralds Memoir of Flaccid Romance.

Its core is worthwhile, what you're trying to express, but the poem you have here lacks experience and skill--it's limping.. flailing. One: you can drastically cut down on the use of the word "I". "I" in poetry is decrepit and weak, and offers little more than rigidness along with insipidness. Consider sticking to a rule of using no-more than one "I", and strive to have none. For example, the two first lines can be edited like so: I live in a barrio, dreaming, bathing in the brooks with friends. Notice how it grates less on the ears? More fluid, atleast I'm inclined to think so. Two: Grammar.. particularly your use of past or present tense. FYI, past would be "lived", present "live", present tense usually carries more force or expression, past tense tends to make it seem as if your merely reminiscing-- most times appearing dull. "i lived in a barrio where i dream" This is using both in contradiction, and is poor use of the english language.. a no-no. Three: Your way of detailing your "friends" character has a good base, comparing them to vultures, snakes, etc, but has no force or impact. "i befriended crocodiles hungry for power..." "i met birds in vulture's feathers..." "i knew snakes with the stingiest scales..." You expressed this as past tense, so it suffers a loss of meaning, force, and ample definition. You give no example of how they are as vultures, snakes, crocodiles. Plus, you could cut out crocs and stick to slithering and hunger, scavenging. Simplicity and potency, consider this example: My friends linger, shoulders hunched, coveting, and wary they creep slowly, serpents tongue forked, hissing, pursuasive superiority offering deceit. Not the best example, but you get the idea, I hope. Four: Your poem is littered with ellipses, those "..." are a bad, horrid habit to have when writing, it mostly gives people the impression that your really muddled on heroin while your writing... and... constantly... jarring yourself... from the emptiness of... dope... space... arhhhhhhhh... Refrain from littering your writing with the cursed dots, you're better off with out them-- whatever anyone may have told you, its not poetic to pause and doze off between stanzas. That pretty much covers the essentials for now.. or more precisely, what I felt compelled to impart. No vote for now.

The last part saved it.

I'm afraid you've completely lost me with this one, to the point that just about the only bit of criticism I can make byond that is I'm fairly sure the first "to" on your last line is intended to be a "too". Line by line--l1 is a bit simplistic for the number of words you use, but could go somewhere. l2 as well. l3 is nice and succinct... I almost think you could drop the first two lines and work the rest into something more coherent, but I'm lost as to what you intend with 'translation', and ... no idea what you're hoping to convey.

"cheek" watch the duplicate rhymes

I liked this poem so much I made it one of my favorites.

Though anything can be endlessly argued to death, spelling things properly really helps in my world. Beyond that--the strange rhyme you have going on grates a bit on my ears, and the rhythm is very odd (perhaps Dovina would use the word 'chunky'). There's a lot that goes on in a poem, some of it intentional, some of it "just the way it is", and that all has to be weighed. You might try exploring the senses a bit more than you have them here--help us feel your cry, your fear, show us what is haunting you, whisper the love so we can feel its timbre. What colors, sights, sounds, smells are there? These are just my thoughts, of course.

I really think love is great even if I don't know the real reason for it. You make it sound a lot more better then it already is. I have had a lot of bad things happen when I was with somone and when I read this poem it helped me think about all the good things that happened. I looked on the bright side for once.

this is by far the best poem i have read in avery long time .........i love it ............is is so beautiful.............:)

I can't say it any better than: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=118322 If you're reading these words, you know you are appreciated by at least one, and I'll bet a year's longevity the Mrs. jroday would say the same.