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Stopping at the oak (draft) (Free verse) by Caducus
I wept with our Oak.
Laid broken on a tear shaped tomb
as a shell which tore at the yolk,
in our nest of no song
barren as Mother Natures womb.
Once here I was felled.
Our bodies burned like fire.
But forces of nature are eventually quelled,
her coldness became loves pyre.
For one last time I read to you Frost
at the last page is the Elm leaf you pressed,
from the first time we kissed that fell on your chest,
now marking the end of stories lost.
Poems unwritten inscribed on leaves.
Raining from my soul that grieves.
Under veined skies of reaching branches.
You haunt me in the omen of banshees.
True love that lives, dies a terrible rage.
The Elm was pressed on the very last page.
Your love only lives each night behind lashes
In dreams we are one until sleep passes,
and when I awake
you are forced to sleep
In the crib of my heartbreak
you weep.
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Weighted score: 5.1490035
Overall Rank: 5287
Posted: January 13, 2005 4:33 AM PST; Last modified: January 13, 2005 4:33 AM PST
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Comments:
266 view(s)
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2) Don't put a period after it either.
3) Then don't capitalise "Laid".
4) Correctly punctuate "Nature's".
5) On second thought, don't say that at all; and don't rhyme "tomb" and "womb".
6) That reminds me: Don't rhyme "fire" and "pyre".
7) Punctuate after Frost.
8) Don't punctuate after pressed.
9) What's up with all the periods in that stanza anyway? And couldn't you have made at least one of those a full clause?
10) "You haunt me in the omen of banshees" doesn't make any sense. You'll try to explain it now. Don't. It still doesn't.
That's your limit. Do you want more?
You're like "Don't try and explain the
haunting omen of banshees..." for some
reason, that made me giggle.
He's right Big A
this needs a shrink wrap, and a facial
It has a lot of decent lines...
Which is like saying "well, let's see
how drunk I get for the fat chick, she's cutening up
by the break neck sip"
lol.
I've done better and a lot worse but I'll let this John Merrick piece breathe itself into its own death.
By "haunts", I imagine you mean simply "exists in a kind of scary way" which is how you used it in your comment above, so you can use "in" after (ie, "haunts in the wind") rather than the more common and understandable "haunts the wind" or "haunts the omens of banshees").
Anyway I essentially got to the person "you" haunting in the haunting song of a haunt before I got totally flummoxed. It could have been so much easier.