poemranker ::Her Mitts by Nepanthe

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Free verse № 150827

Her Mitts

by Nepanthe

Member since 2007 · Posted 13 Mar 2007 · Edited 13 Mar 2007 · 26 comments

My mitts are hermits, their land is each hand, knitted, well fitted, bold in the cold. A hand's haven between action, brings warmth and satisfaction. Comfortable within my skin, I'll remove my mittens for my kin. My hands may brave the Winter's groan, for the friend without mitts of her own.

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mean 6.25 weighted 5.15 rank 5319 views 193 View voting details →

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26 comments

[8] Ranger 13-Mar-07/1:22 PM Reply
'My mitts are hermits' is great, if only it wasn't for the final line...this would be ace. Word inversion works sometimes but when the rest of the poeme is in a straightforward structure it's like a punch in the colon.
[n/a] Nepanthe › Ranger 13-Mar-07/1:35 PM Reply
Heh, yeah I see it.
I felt the second paragraph was weak.
I should work on it, a punch to the colon's far too violent for a pair of soft fluffy mitts.
Thanks : )
[8] Ranger › Nepanthe 13-Mar-07/1:46 PM Reply
Actually, I don't quite know what I was talking about. You can solve it just by saying 'mitts of her own'.
[n/a] Nepanthe › Ranger 13-Mar-07/1:57 PM Reply
Do you think this revision is alright, or should I change it back?
and say 'mitts of her own'.
[8] Ranger › Nepanthe 13-Mar-07/2:01 PM Reply
I preferred the first version, to tell the truth. It was simple and quite sweet whereas now it ends in a rather gloomy fashion.
[n/a] Nepanthe › Ranger 13-Mar-07/2:14 PM Reply
Hm, I'm still not sure of the 'of'.
[8] Ranger › Nepanthe 13-Mar-07/2:14 PM Reply
Why?
[n/a] Nepanthe › Ranger 13-Mar-07/2:16 PM Reply
Sounds like too many syllables.
take out the of and the last two lines match up, 8 and 8.
[8] Ranger › Nepanthe 13-Mar-07/2:20 PM Reply
Syllables don't matter, it's the meter which counts. You can add an unstressed syllable without interrupting the rhythm. They both line up fine, trust me.
[7] Dovina › Ranger 13-Mar-07/2:29 PM Reply
I trusted him once in regard to a low-sounding syllable at the end of my line, which he said offended with its highness. I layed it down inverted, which he found quite agreeable.
[8] Ranger › Dovina 13-Mar-07/2:35 PM Reply
You know I go funny when syllables aren't stressed right...
[7] Dovina 13-Mar-07/1:26 PM Reply
Ranger is right - the last line inversion sucks.

The internal rhymes of Verse 1 are nice.
[8] Ranger 13-Mar-07/1:59 PM Reply
May I make another suggestion? Keep the internal rhymes going throughout, they work well in the first stanza.

And be prepared for people to read 'My hands brave the Winter's groin'.
[7] Dovina › Ranger 13-Mar-07/2:01 PM Reply
No, you may not.
[8] Ranger › Dovina 13-Mar-07/2:02 PM Reply
Darn, I'll just go back to doing nothing then.
[7] Dovina › Ranger 13-Mar-07/2:04 PM Reply
Oh, please stay. It's been so lonely here with only the newby smut-slingers, and their oldby look-alikes.
[8] Ranger › Dovina 13-Mar-07/2:10 PM Reply
They all seem to be from London. That should explain it really. I have to go to London this weekend, I think, to watch a friend's opera group. It's surprisingly entertaining, considering you can never work out what's actually being said by any of the characters.
[n/a] Nepanthe › Ranger 13-Mar-07/2:23 PM Reply
Is that better?
[8] Ranger › Nepanthe 13-Mar-07/2:33 PM Reply
What I had in mind was a rhythm similar to the one you use in the first stanza (it's okay, you can despair at me if you like. I'm terrible at workshopping). The first two lines go like this:

da-DA da-DA-da, da-DA da-da-DA
DA-da, da-DA-da, DA-da-da DA

Does that make it any clearer?
[n/a] Nepanthe › Ranger 13-Mar-07/2:56 PM Reply
Yes, I'll work on it later tonight, and repost.
[n/a] Nepanthe › Nepanthe 13-Mar-07/10:29 PM Reply
..this may take me longer than I thought...
[6] richa 13-Mar-07/2:57 PM Reply
I think the second verse changes the metre a bit but that is not necessarily a problem.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 13-Mar-07/7:02 PM Reply
How dare you extol the virtues of a lesser glove without paying homage to its superior:

http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=91816

Incidentally, a boy in my class at primary school enjoyed scratching the other boys and making them cry. As both punishment and preventative measure, he was forced to wear mittens.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. › -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 13-Mar-07/7:03 PM Reply
P.S. That boy wasn't me
[8] Ranger 21-Mar-07/5:53 AM Reply
By the way, I couldn't get the link to your music to work.
[n/a] Nepanthe › Ranger 21-Mar-07/6:30 AM Reply
It works now.