zodiac
replying on Revaluations by Beyond_Dreams
1 Feb 2005, 9:21 PM
Truthfully, I want to write a poem about myself having (or having had) a tail. Verboten?
On a related note, I guess we should be glad Shakespeare was a fairy Negro Jew merchant emperor. Otherwise, what kinds of plays would he have written? About bumming the stage-boys, most like.
Doesn't make sense.
That's not nice!
I'll let the two of you discuss me in private. Please continue.
Youâve heard it said there are no atheists in foxholes. Thatâs because most people who are dying or think theyâre going to die soon pull all the comforting God-loving, God-saving reinforcements from their religions, all they can possibly muster. Thatâs why Iâm having trouble with your man who does the opposite. Not that itâs impossible. There might be a religious person somewhere, someone who has tried to follow God all his life and when he comes to the end, brings out all these counter arguments. Iâve just never seen it and think it usually goes the other way. I make the arguments in your poem sometimes, but would I make them on my deathbed â thatâs the question.
Being as this is the second poem I've read today called "Life", I can't, just can't. First, you need to learn to proofread, or at least you spellcheck. Then, try writing about something else. All this positivity is a bad thing to be posting here. If you're going to be positive, at least mask it. ;)
On the plus side, you have a great chance of making it onto -=D_A=-'s Love/Above Liste. Congrats.
Ambitious, but ultimately found lacking.
Take smaller bites, little dabs of mustard, and eventually the sandwhich becomes whole.
(If that makes any sense... *shrug*)
Blessed with three.
I'm not going to vote on this because it's just plain fuckin' mean. All that aside, though, it's pretty good. hehe
I'm not going to be picky about changing a couple of words and not repeating theline exactly. It's really one of your best. I wish you'd spend a little more time writing and a little less time drying to be -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I., Jr., but it's ok.
SupremeDreamer
replying on Satan's Pillar: The Wisdom of Heresy. by SupremeDreamer
1 Feb 2005, 3:44 PM
Oi, A twinkle in the black velvet void.
Ask noted and modified in my carbon copy mam.. I need to be more vigilant with the idea of reciting my shit outloud to myself so I can better pick up on them lil ticks.
Pious describes how he lived his life, which makes his sudden impudence more "from the left field". Or rather that was my intention, then again it's also a question of how one believes faith is expressed.
Now let me clarify something else, the guy isn't dead when these forces speak to him, which they bother to do because he's in the end-finale of dying, and he's unveiling the suspicions that have been kept in the far corner of his unconscious, in the ole closet of fear.
Essentially, these forces or spirits are in actuality born from him alone, the guy who he kept buried away in shame.
Also, no afterlife is presumed, but rather that he becomes void within the embrace of oblivion since he lived a life that left him spiritually, psychologically, and emotionaly unfulfilled.
It's not a reverent one whimpering before god, but his own unrealized dreams.
Maybe the religious speech or description detracts from all that, maybe I got too hopped up on the heretical "what lies behind the door which is forbidden by default" concept.
Does this crystallizes the picture? Any essential throw offs which you'd like to mention with how I executed the intended context, etc.?
Well, for starters, try âaskâ in the first line. Nothing like bad grammar to tick off satin.
The second verse (lines 2 & 3) doesnât hold ginger ale because when a pious person comes to death, he seldom says that, but rather glorifies God.
After that dismal beginning, it improves. The statements to the dead man are poignant, if futile, since heâs dead.
Wait a minute, heâs alive again in the âdispiritedâ verse. You must mean in the afterlife. Whatever, that aggravates your cause, donât you think? Presuming an afterlife?
So here is the pious man arguing, presumably with Peter or some such Golden Gate Keeper, justifying his righteous life. But then itâs Death that laughs, so the whole thing is getting ethereal and weird.
The argument continues, but it seems futile. The man is already dead and in no position to change anything.
Other than that, itâs a fine fight.
A hypocrite with his mouth destroyeth his neighbor.
A fool uttereth all his mind.
A fool's voice is known by multitude of words.
Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words.
There is more hope of a fool than him.
THE WORDS OF GOD
There's nothing to see here. Move along. This comes from a whole different realm than you do.
...but...tell me you at least did get the "daddy wasn't planning on buying no more stuff" reference. That one HAS to be obvious to virtually anyone who grew up speaking English. Or did you grow up speaking English? I can't tell.
Looks like you've watched "Point of No Return" a few too many times.
Thanks for so graciously clearing up the matter.
Yes, for all the good it does an ant to reject the boy who destroys its nest. No, rejection is futile. Understanding is futile too, but I feel a little better about it.
2 triolets, almost - why you mess with formula, boy? Do you feel that repeating the frame of the first line in the first line of the second stanza makes up for the change in the second to last line of the first? I might go for that. Sure, why not - you're entitled to your opinion of what a triolet is. Absolutely.
I like the second half of that first stanza, starting from slip. Has a nice flow and sound to it. Except I missss the logic of thisss sssound she makesss over the fields, or why, or how this adds to the "trouble" of the day.
These commas - are you purposely trying to kill the flow? Espec. L3 in S2
Nice solid concept though with the early snow on an uncut field of hay. Makes sense. Then, right away, you talk more about hay. Hey.
"hay-smelling" ... very evocative, btw. Does that mean it "smells like hay"? That you miss the smell of hay? Or maybe you are anthropomorphising autumn by giving it a nose. How you must miss that nose.
This is the best thing you've ever written.
a swing and a miss.
6. Eat sprouts. Trouser shouts. (http://eclectech.co.uk/parp.php)