poemranker ::Revaluations by Beyond_Dreams

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Free verse № 118562

Revaluations

by Beyond_Dreams

Member since 2004 · Posted 17 Jan 2005 · 14 comments

I sat alone in the hidden alley watching the city pass me full of laughing hyenas, unaware. I sat alone, no one noticed me they passed the darkness where I pretended to be glorified with the booze bottle wrapped in paper. The street lamps flickered; red, yellow, and green. One after another music satisfied my aching soul. Maybe I thought the world would be better if my eyes were only half closed. But I am more than a passing person alone, unaware of my surroundings. I was meant to live more here. Sitting on the out skirts of the forgotten lonely alley strumming the stings of life to which no one payed attention; or cared. But I played on. Eyes half open but still more aware than the laughing hyenas blinded by perpetual plastic and predominate lies.

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mean 5.33 weighted 5.09 rank 6234 views 218 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

14 comments

[6] MacFrantic 17-Jan-05/11:21 AM Reply
Okay, I respect the subtle anger at humanity poem, but it seems that this one is missing a good point *6*.
[n/a] Beyond_Dreams › MacFrantic 17-Jan-05/11:25 AM Reply
the only point i was trying to make was this person who feels alone , mind you he's a bum is watching the world pass him by. He is envious at first. Untill he realizes the people "laughing hyenas" are all fake, and that their life is fake. So he now has peace in his own skin--not plastic and with a life full of lies
[6] MacFrantic › Beyond_Dreams 17-Jan-05/11:29 AM Reply
Well, if that is the entire reason behind this poem, than I'll give you a *6.5*. This message is tired and the outlet of lonely bum is only too predictable.
[n/a] zodiac › Beyond_Dreams 17-Jan-05/10:01 PM Reply
"this person who feels alone , mind you he's a bum is watching the world pass him by" isn't a point. It's not even a real sentence. A point is something like "Now go live fully and carefreely" or "The man you've always thought was your uncle, isn't."
[n/a] Beyond_Dreams 17-Jan-05/11:42 AM Reply
Then would you give me a suggestion on how to better this poem?
[6] MacFrantic › Beyond_Dreams 17-Jan-05/11:59 AM Reply
O.K.
Smarter usage of semi-colons
The second one is awful
S3 L3-4 don't make enough sense.
The contradictory statements about the people around him and then applying these statements to your own character. When trying to convey realization, you are actually making this character one of the "hyenas". Mostly recognized in the two contrasting "unaware"s. This would be brilliant if it was on purpose, but the quality of the poem suggests that it was not.

Outskirts is one word
st[r]ings
Introducing the peoples' objectivity in the last line leaves readers a bit confused because it comes out of nowhere.

[7] tangerinepuddle 17-Jan-05/3:12 PM Reply
Really good, sad but true. Most of those who "have" don't see what is right in front of their eyes.
[5] wilco 19-Jan-05/5:16 PM Reply
I can't really give you any advice. Take Macs advice.
[6] Brittanyy 1-Feb-05/6:21 AM Reply
Maybe this poem would be better if you really knew what it was like to be a bum on the streets; But since you don't there really is no heart behind this poem, just some person writing about something they know nothing about..Oh well...Heres a 6.
[n/a] zodiac › Brittanyy 1-Feb-05/6:31 AM Reply
That's a very good observation, Brittanyy.

However - I, for one, am taken recently with the idea of writing a poem about people born with vestigial tails. Certainly you're not saying only people born with such tails can write poems on the subject? God! How could they??!?
[6] Brittanyy › zodiac 1-Feb-05/6:42 AM Reply
LOL..It depends I suppose..If you were writing a poem about having a tail then that would be fine. But if you wrote about the pain and strife of being born with a tail then that wouldn't be valid because you ( Hopefully ) don't have a tail so you wouldnt know what its like..Can you dig it?
[n/a] zodiac › Brittanyy 1-Feb-05/9:21 PM Reply
Truthfully, I want to write a poem about myself having (or having had) a tail. Verboten?

On a related note, I guess we should be glad Shakespeare was a fairy Negro Jew merchant emperor. Otherwise, what kinds of plays would he have written? About bumming the stage-boys, most like.
[n/a] Goad › Brittanyy 1-Feb-05/8:57 AM Reply
I tried really hard to be a bum on the street several years ago, to get that whole authenticity thing going. I sold or put in storage everything I owned and hit the streets with a backpack, some photocopies of my pomes, and 40 Cdn dollars in my pocket.

Unfortunately I failed miserably, as over the next 11 months I earned around $14,000 U.S. dollars with my crappy pomes -- which, since I paid no rent during that time (I was continually offerred places to stay, or camped) and paid no taxes, was a reasonably decent amount of money with which to enjoy what was essentially a year-long vacation. Most embarrassing moment? I was on Telegraph avenue all decked out like a hippy selling photocopied pomes tackily signed with metallic gold ink (it increased how much money people "donated" for some stupid reason)and up walks a woman I went to university with...she was doing her doctorate at Berkeley. lol. She definitely seemed to buy into my bum on the streets disguise.
[n/a] Beyond_Dreams › Brittanyy 10-Sep-06/4:02 PM Reply
Britt I have one word for you, Lame.