Re: While waiting for someone to check in my cars by INTRANSIT	Skamper 58.171.109.28	22-Oct-07/9:56 PM
beautiful - image is so clear I wish I'd seen it. I would love to see a descriptive word in there for the daughter snug/warm in denim jacket, to follow on the caring of the mother as she carries her son..know what I mean?
Re: My Courtney by secretlyvulnerable	Skamper 58.171.127.226	22-Oct-07/9:50 PM
you started off so well with two verses of 3 lines, and ended with two lines of thankfullness and love. The third verse could be cut to 3 lines also keeping the original rhyme scheme...just a suggestion, you can turn a nice phrase
Re: Unmistakably Mistaken by secretlyvulnerable	Skamper 58.171.78.214	22-Oct-07/9:46 PM
your last verse is creative and to the point - verse one and two are overworked a little...no need to mention tears too much, we get the crying from the second line...the last verse saves this piece, I really like it.
Re: RAGTIME by xyz	forsaken 24.153.186.246	22-Oct-07/6:41 PM
Wow I know I don't write that great, but this is better then mine you say. I just want to know can you get a girl to look at you the same way I have no problem doing.
Re: Drug Dealer by Bazilla	xyz 64.231.78.220	22-Oct-07/1:09 AM
You should change the title to Day Tripper...I think you would sell a few records that way.
Re: Head On by Bachus	xyz 64.231.78.220	22-Oct-07/1:03 AM
It looks like this may be an intelligent poem...I can't tell. I'll have to rate and review it at another time so that I can give a fair assessment.
Re: HATE by forsaken'sbigbro	xyz 64.231.78.220	22-Oct-07/12:58 AM
This is better than alot of the other shit I've been reading on this site. I think if you work on some of the lines you could improve this quite a bit. I like your honesty and openness.
Re: Be The One by forsaken	xyz 64.231.78.220	22-Oct-07/12:54 AM
Wow, this is pretty bad. How old are you? Check out my poem ....it's much more sophisticated. It's a true love story with about a lady friend.
Re: On The Gay Beach by Edna Sweetlove	xyz 64.231.78.220	22-Oct-07/12:49 AM
Uh , I mean Poofy Pete. You go girl!
Re: On The Gay Beach by Edna Sweetlove	xyz 64.231.78.220	22-Oct-07/12:47 AM
Exquisitely homoerotic material Edna. I can just envision the semen dripping down your chin. Hahahaha. Hope you enjoy your romps down there in queerville.
Re: Car Crashes by poemwanker	xyz 64.231.78.220	22-Oct-07/12:42 AM
I like where you're going with this poem. Just a few minor adjustments and this would be good.
Re: a comment on Never Let Go by x0lovelylarnx0	x0lovelylarnx0 68.57.36.157	21-Oct-07/3:37 PM
Thanks! I get what you are saying!
Re: Parasite by Christof	Ranger 86.145.25.216	21-Oct-07/1:40 PM
Good poeme, although the train comes in maybe a little too abruptly, and "very least" sounds a bit too chunky to end with. Love the idea though.
Re: Never Let Go by x0lovelylarnx0	Ranger 86.145.25.216	21-Oct-07/1:35 PM
Intransit's given the comment that you need to be going on with for now. This doesn't deserve a 0 - it's got the basics of metaphor and vivid imagery in here, and that counts for something. What you need to do now is learn to control those things, make them subtle when appropriate, direct when appropriate. A lot of people will tell you that you have to write "from your own experience", but to be honest that's a load of tosh. While you're learning the trade it's just as easy (possibly more so, in fact) to write about something that you haven't had first-hand experience of. You clearly know a few poetic devices (lots of alliteration in here), now you need to work out when to use them. Listen to the sounds and cadence of the words and, more than anything, devour some of the classic poems so you have some good examples of poetry to work with. -8- because I'm nice like that.
Re: Wayne, do you? by T. Jonathron Remp	Ranger 86.145.25.216	21-Oct-07/1:28 PM
Good fun
Re: While waiting for someone to check in my cars by INTRANSIT	Ranger 86.145.25.216	21-Oct-07/1:25 PM
I've always seen mother/child poems as being sentimental (and that isn't a bad thing). I think you've moved away from the sentimentality and given this a nice deftness of touch which makes it more than just a picture. My view is that it needs something catchy in the sounds to make it stick in the old grey matter, otherwise there's the risk of a reader not giving it the reading it deserves. You've got the amount of description spot on, so it would be a shame for people not to read it as it needs.
Re: a comment on The American Soldier by x0lovelylarnx0	x0lovelylarnx0 68.57.36.157	21-Oct-07/12:29 PM
I do know what they are doing! They are serving our country, and risking their lives! Once again this is a very old poem of mine, and who said that I was talking about the war going on now!
Re: a comment on Soccer by x0lovelylarnx0	x0lovelylarnx0 68.57.36.157	21-Oct-07/12:27 PM
haha well this poem is sort of old, but i am still young and it's hard to find things to write about cause I don't have a lot of experiences to write about yet.
Re: a comment on Never Let Go by x0lovelylarnx0	x0lovelylarnx0 68.57.36.157	21-Oct-07/12:24 PM
Haha My name is lauren not larry! I'm defintely not a dude! But i see what your saying. And it's not that critcism bothers me and that I don't want to work hard, it's these people who go around giving zeros to everyone. Honestly, I do not think it deserved a 0. But thanks for the help!!
Re: a comment on My Courtney by secretlyvulnerable	secretlyvulnerable 72.241.184.152	20-Oct-07/3:59 PM
victim