INTRANSIT
on Itâs the Management by Dovina
26 Feb 2005, 6:30 AM
G'mornin, D.
A: Heat? Heart-line 7
B: We already have a pinkfluffybunnyrabbitofdoom. no kidding.
C: You're 21. I hope you've had some life experiences by now that you can tap into. This poem is too simple.
D: Case in point, line 3 rewrite: All I see in his eyes is a reflection of myself. OR His blue m and m eyes with ms' too large to see through.
Telling vs showing. look around for an image. Read everything. Everything!!! My motorcycle pants are called barrier pants. I saw the label as I was sitting on the toilet. I may use this in apoem some time. Again, Read EVERYTHING! billboards magazines pillbottle labels. There are images and poetic symbols and stuff all over the place. We don't just think out of the box at p/r. We shredded our boxes then burned them and used the ashed to feed our Begonias. Poetry isn't just about feelings, it's about finding NEW ways to express what we feel. Be creative. Be absurd Go nuts.
Punctuate at the line ends.
Delete the "all" before flattery, and make flattery 3 syllables.
Write this in real English.
Write it on a real topic.
I don't think you have a really good idea what you're trying to say.
Oddly, that's the most reasonable answer you've ever posted here. Unfortunately, I think it means we can't be friends anymore.
http://allpoetry.com/Column/423262
Here's a link that might help you. BTW, since you write in syllables and not onjis, even a 2-6-3 syllable poem on nature is a perfect haiku. May be that would make it easier at times if you fet stuck!
Thanks.
Hey, that's a great proof. Start with a bum assumption and who knows where you'll end up? Hanging yourself in confusion probably.
Now let me ask you something: At any point during your realization of this fabulous idea did it occur to you that a lot of people - most of the people in the world, in fact - ARE ACTUALLY HUNGRY? I can guarantee you most of them wish the problem was as simple as "You present me a plate of food" (false passive be damned). And where the fuck is their fucking plate of food anyway? You're sure as fuck not presenting them to it, you're just writing illiterate bumfucking bullshit socalled poems about the most illiterate misrealization of the heirarchy of needs I've EVER SEEN in a long time looking at illiterate misrealizations of things.
AND WHAT'S THIS???!?!?!? After I eat my plate of food I just become hungry for OTHER THINGS??!?! Psychological and SPIRITUAL things?! Well Jesus Christ I might as well just hang myself in confusion right now. I'll just STARVE FROM SPIRITUAL HUNGER otherwise.
Oh no wait. I'm starving from physical hunger first. And where's my fucking plate of goddamn food?
Or maybe you simply thought you were relating to starving people - you know, I know you're hungry for a plate of food to present itself, but I'm hungry for mental formulations, and that's like the same thing, it's a loop see. Fuck you. If you've ever been hungrier than when your Happy Meal takes longer than the required five minutes at the drive thru, I'll eat my own shmaugh*.
In short, I am so sincerely horrified by this poem I dream of it. I'm being absolutely honest, so none of this zodiac's just a big website flamer and hopeless gay introvert to boot. This is wrong, wrong beyond almost anything I've read in 4000-something poems on poemranker, to say the least. If you haven't gotten yet that everybody else to post on this poem feels exactly the same way, please take my word for it and delete this now. Thank you very much.
zodiac
*=that patterned headcloth Arab men wear, otherwise known as a towel.
creative. not terribly meaningful, but the form has some limitations that I must take into account. 7 sounds about right.
Thanks- I really appreciate the encouragement. The most enjoyable part of haiku, for me at least, is the way it can capture meaning but retain its brevity. The last five syllables are always the hardest for me, but I do enjoy the challenge.
Lol..that was good.
By the way, what's the job of a fireman during earthquake disasters?? May be they do have work, just that I'm unaware of it! ;)
Nice poem!
This reminds me of "one two, buckle my shoe; three, four, shut the door...etc". Except I enjoy that poem. 2
You have out-cliched cliche. Well done. Sorry if that came across as being insensitive.
Beautiful work! I'd have loved to see this with the odd rhymes struck out but it was great nonetheless.
The best part was "my hair was dark and short".
Simply beautiful. Haikus speak volumes in mere 17 syllables.. This is a stupendous example with beautiful imagery.
Great work!
the feet are inconsistent. good effort, maybe just rework it a bit.
wow, and I even missed the part in which you rhyme "hill" with "hill". this is truly a literary treasure.
also,apparently I can't type "about" (oh wait, i just did). sorry.
That poem was rather amusing. Especially the part abi=out the "RU-CUS". Funny enough for a 1.