Jack and Jill

My name is Jack. I’m a philosopher. I hold an inalienable truth— that two despicable aspects of character are fully determinable and fully separable. I call people having them dorks or dingbats. George is a dork, but not a dingbat. Peter is a dingbat, but not a dork. John is both. I, of course, am neither. I like Jill and will set forth means for obtaining her affection. My research shows that Jill likes Peter and John, and she does not like George. So far, she does not know me. My analysis leads to two hypotheses: 1. Jill likes dingbats and does not like dorks, and she accepts John’s dorkness either because her affinity for dingbatness is greater than her dislike of dorkness, or she accepts it for some unknown, but overriding reason. 2. Jill does not care about dorkness or dingbatness and bases her affections of other factors. In either case, Jill most likely favors dingbats, or at least disfavors them less than dorks. But if Jill likes dingbats, she is probably a dingbat. I like Jill, and dingbats are despicable, so this uncertainty must be resolved. Concentrating my research, I find: Jill likes two other dingbats, and she does not dislike any of the dingbats on my list. The conclusion is so painfully obvious, I cannot write it. Therefore, I shall now relinquish my writing pad, tighten this noose, and step off the chair.