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Jack and Jill (Free verse) by Dovina
My name is Jack. I’m a philosopher. I hold an inalienable truth— that two despicable aspects of character are fully determinable and fully separable. I call people having them dorks or dingbats. George is a dork, but not a dingbat. Peter is a dingbat, but not a dork. John is both. I, of course, am neither. I like Jill and will set forth means for obtaining her affection. My research shows that Jill likes Peter and John, and she does not like George. So far, she does not know me. My analysis leads to two hypotheses: 1. Jill likes dingbats and does not like dorks, and she accepts John’s dorkness either because her affinity for dingbatness is greater than her dislike of dorkness, or she accepts it for some unknown, but overriding reason. 2. Jill does not care about dorkness or dingbatness and bases her affections of other factors. In either case, Jill most likely favors dingbats, or at least disfavors them less than dorks. But if Jill likes dingbats, she is probably a dingbat. I like Jill, and dingbats are despicable, so this uncertainty must be resolved. Concentrating my research, I find: Jill likes two other dingbats, and she does not dislike any of the dingbats on my list. The conclusion is so painfully obvious, I cannot write it. Therefore, I shall now relinquish my writing pad, tighten this noose, and step off the chair.

Up the ladder: start here

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Arithmetic Mean: 8.0
Weighted score: 5.806824
Overall Rank: 1670
Posted: February 22, 2005 7:42 PM PST; Last modified: February 22, 2005 7:42 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] edpeterson @ 68.79.203.220 | 22-Feb-05/8:04 PM | Reply
Quickly! Spit spot!
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.14.17 | 23-Feb-05/3:31 AM | Reply
You would. But why?
[n/a] Dovina @ 12.72.6.27 > zodiac | 23-Feb-05/9:06 AM | Reply
To mystify.
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.11.12 > Dovina | 25-Feb-05/10:46 PM | Reply
Oddly, that's the most reasonable answer you've ever posted here. Unfortunately, I think it means we can't be friends anymore.
[n/a] Dovina @ 12.72.4.80 > zodiac | 26-Feb-05/6:31 AM | Reply
Friends anymore? My God, if that was friendship, what horrors lie ahead?
[10] zodiac @ 212.118.11.12 > Dovina | 27-Feb-05/9:02 PM | Reply
Sorry, was your idea of friendship a hobo who calls you 'guvna' after you toss him a half-eaten creuller?
[9] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.67 | 23-Feb-05/6:42 AM | Reply
Didja see the lawyer show where the guy killed someone and the whole reason behind the ordeal was he didn't get a date from some chick. In the meantime he became muslim (extremist) because they supposedly believe women are inferior. It was funny. And scary.
[n/a] Dovina @ 12.72.10.107 > INTRANSIT | 23-Feb-05/7:02 AM | Reply
No, I didn't. But I don't see him as a Jack.
[n/a] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 | 23-Feb-05/10:35 AM | Reply
I'd better velcro my richtometer down in case
the girder gives.
[9] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.138 > horus8 | 23-Feb-05/1:29 PM | Reply
You! Frumious Bandersnatch!
Unhand that Gwynyth, Paltrow!

Socket yourself, man.
and prepare
for the Calvin and Hobbes dance.
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