TLRufener
on To Mother by lynnstratton
12 Jun 2004, 7:20 AM
Beautiful. I love the imagery. Very touching.
looking but never seeing?
Ahah! I know what it is! it is a "riddle". Or it could also be a pen.
Dan, how many times do I haveta vote for this?
Brought up nice images when I read this but I have to agree with the things Intransit pointed out...
I think you should change the title of this poem to "Stardate -319424.77".
And "I wrote this poem in only X minutes" is the buncombe dodge of an inveterate guffer.
The first stanza is tremendously overwrought. Please, at least consider sticking a real verb in there somewhere. I liked the rest. Surprised?
Does this kind of thing work? Please, let me know.
- Desperate in Al Kerak
"hole" should be "whole".
"drug" should be "dragged".
"someplace" isn't a real word, even in the magical topsy-turvy land of Poetry.
Did you cop the idea of false teeth sprouting flowers from 100 Years of Solitude?
If you re-post this an infinite number of times to be read by an infinite number of retards, do you suppose you'll eventually hit on a group that doesn't mind how your title's entirely copped from Sarah Maclachlan?
No, wait, I see now. You hadn't even thought of that song, you just happen to think that surrender is sweet. Bow'ls to you, francis. Bow'ls and bow'ls.
That 3rd stanzas a killer. Straight to the heart. Maybe you could set it apart as it's own little poem. I see it's the meat here, but she should be served as her own separate course, she's that fine. What do you think?
There's something innocent and frail about this poem, probably the honesty and use of everyday words. Lovely, your poem. She's got a few problems but they're small. Is this a first edit?
What the hell's got into you? You're writing inspired lines now, how does it feel? This needs editing but tonight I justfeel like admiring other people's children, not critizing them. I'll come back when I'm not feeling so warm and cozy.
Well IT, I like very much the use of cycloptic with the train - that feels fresh. But the billowing black smoke hasta be left at the station (get it! I make JOKE).
And not sure about click clacking cackophonic... doesn't seem to quite fit in this form.
Have a supremdreamer blessing of eight (at least until you quit blowing smoke).
Could it be any longer?My God!
What can I say you're like so totally awesome. i f I lived next door to you I'd spend the whole day pining at the kitchen window, waiting for you to walk out the front door, then I'd 'conveniently(teehee) step outside just hoping maybe you'd notice the new hip-huggers I bought at Nordstroms with the 80 bucks I save up from my allowance the birthday money!
It must be great to be you.
Nice use of torper, and lassitude.