The metaphor is somewhat interesting, but overall it doesn't have enough rhythm for me; the lines jerk from one to the next. The half-rhyme of 'couch' and 'pout' really doesn't work for me. I think the poem could be more interesting if you explored the metaphor a bit more directly and left the broad statements to be assumed. Hope this is somewhat helpful...

somewhat catchy. a bit kitschy as well; the chin-up/move-out has a nice rhythm to it, though.

Actually, not bad, it's a shame your ass aint rad. Like mine, in lime, for niggers thirsting -- a lemon fizzy blast of white crack and pink ass.

"Cave bacon" is naturally bitchin'.

You used to be really shit.

You were still writing absolute shite.

Your first decent poeme.

Great picture of growing up in the inner city.

What's this I've found in my snatch? I can't tell - has anyone got a match? Is it a sin to do it anally? Can I really speak any way but banally?

really aught to reword that "whom" line, even if it is correct it is awkward in this context, imho. Not crazy about breathing devoid, either - sorry.

I think the message would be clearer if you scratch these lines: If fat is strong and strong undesirable. Why lose your chest to show wasting legs? She intimidates small men. Line 3: "she envies girls" But it might be better using "you" all the way through.

If you wrote this in negrese it would better convey that this poeme is about some negro (you) slagging of 'honkies' for misappropriating his 'culture'. Which would be incredibly deep. Also it is axl rose. There is an easy anagram to help you remember for goodness sake.

i have come to expect much better from you than this watery slush of sentiment.

How bout flush this poem instead. Sincerely:( Pale Jizzbomb

Why do you feel this way

Dear GOD!!!! NOT STREWN!!!! ...? Anything but that.

Sheepheard is, wrong. The premise of writing to something one doesn't believe in gives me pause. Though I did like that "Dear God" song a while back.

Liking the sci-fi feel to it. I think u use cigarette butts once too many times, though. I will have to look up "elote".

Not sure why this is getting eviscerated - plenty of good in it and the ending cadence is spot-on. I don't read it as a rant against fat people, not at all.

Well, a sonnet. But the identical rhyme , and wait - well, no rhyme scheme either. Hmm. The language sounds like you are faking things English, strangely enough. It is almost good, but somehow it smells crippled - mayhaps on purpose.