This AA BB CC is *very* tough to pull off. Same for the night club act ending.

What about when the sun explodes?

The rhymes kill this thing, Quarton, and its such a universal thought that's been captured in quotes and one-liners that to describe it this way - even though you've got some good word choices - is an uphill battle. More like a brick-wall battle.

Once I got past your name I could almost read the poem objectively. "a picture" can go, along with the hips allusion. The ending seems a little too abrupt - or trite. Interested to see the rewrite.

image works for me.

what's the Welsh look like?

very deep man!

just be yourself allthe time!

nice pome!

yes good deep poem!

the liooon kiiing

couple few interesting words in there. Brainsky Monitory would make a nice ditty I think[sky].

2 out of three aint bad - good stuff wilco. Either of the last two stanza could be full blown poems with all the trimmings if you wanted.

I think that works much more clearly, I don't get the "huh?" pause anymore. Nicely done.

this expression, "to plant one's fancy" - is this a euphamism for something...? this phrase "passion to dance like butterfly on " sounds very "English as a second language" - intention? This would make 5 or 6 very nice poems (if taken with something lighter in between sittings), but as it is - its a bit tedious, imho. Maybe too effective at evoking defeat.

An excellent example of the zero syllable limerick.

Its a good story, kept me reading even if I had a shameful egoist moment of "prose on a poetry site... grrrr". But its a sweet one. btw, the fix for sugar in the gas tank is a simple one. Involves simply replacing the fuel system. that last paragraph, in particular, would make a good poem; it has the crux of the thing - that this tough man would become tender at the though of dissapointing his dad.

not bad, KC - I'd like to see this reworked with a more steady sylable count. It's easy to see where you extend the meter in one line to compensate for an even longer extension in the next. Just a matter of tweaking it here and there. With this rhyme scheme if it were about lost love, or say, kittens - it would be horrendous. But with this lesser of the oft-used relationship themes, you should be able to get away with it.

yep. That's sad. Two suggestions and it will increase the impact: - shorten it by leagues - use the linebreaks to your advantage, otherwise leave them where a normal speaker would put them Basically, the event itself is the main force - its up to you as a poet to take this event and convey it to the reader with power and impression. Not that you haven't done that to a certain extent - there's room, through reduction, for growth here.

I think this would work better if you reworked it into a limerick.